We Read The Morning Papers, So You Can Continue To Feel Good About Not Doing It Yourselves

Illustration for article titled We Read The Morning Papers, So You Can Continue To Feel Good About Not Doing It Yourselves

This morning, the Anonymous Lobbyist and I decided to have a very serious discussion about the serious news we'd read over the weekend and I decided to paste its contents here because I'm lazy and almost pathologically indecisive. Click the jump to watch us feebly discuss the upcoming US American election, that epic story about Evangelical Christians in the New York Times Magazine, Britney Spears and some sport that had some big game over the weekend.


GimmeMoe:: So, how was your weekend? I did ecstasy for the first time in my life and my inner cheeks feel like someone carpet-bombed them! Not that that makes any sense. So the Governator thinks weed isn't a drug." It is a leaf." And the song "gimme more" will not leave my head.
GimmeMoe:: Which brings me to my issue #1, which is the proliferation of Britney think pieces in the news lately.
hotellobbyist: hmm, so does that mean that psychedelic mushrooms are just another fungus? someone had better tell the Dutch government. oh, wait, they are...
hotellobbyist: well, britney does inspire some thought, especially if you're using illicit substances
GimmeMoe:: yeah "Gimme more" is actually pretty on-message with my attitude Saturday night!
GimmeMoe:: Your issue #1 is something about baseball, right?
8:55 AM
hotellobbyist: unfortunately, the club i went to on saturday lacked stripper poles, so no one knew what to do whne it came on
hotellobbyist: oh, yeah, in between drinks last night, i noticed the Sox won the series!
GimmeMoe:: oh, I'm sure I was ambling around in a daze falling on shit just like Britney would do
hotellobbyist: yeah, that seemed to be the theme where i was at
GimmeMoe:: So yeah, a guy I used to date was really into the Red Sox, and this one time Anna called him up — she's a Mets fan — and said "Bill Buckner" into the phone
hotellobbyist: my dad says i'm supposed to be excited about the baseball thingie, but I'm pretty sure i can't get it up enough to care if it happens more than once a century
GimmeMoe:: And he said "By the way, FUCK YOU," and hung up
hotellobbyist: oooh, that's a dirty word in my household!
GimmeMoe:: hahah Bill Buckner
GimmeMoe:: not fuck, i'm assuming
hotellobbyist: it's like watching a really bad little league game over and over again
GimmeMoe:: that's the extent of my knowledge about that sport really, except that, oh yes, they're really into drugs as well.
hotellobbyist: i mean, really, who doesn't love drugs?
hotellobbyist: my neighbor is giving me his extra vicodin for my birthday!
GimmeMoe:: Well, I think it's all about what you love MOST.
GimmeMoe:: "That is not a drug. It's a leaf," Schwarzenegger told GQ. "My drug was pumping iron, trust me."
hotellobbyist: oh, the man sure does know how to get re-elected in California
GimmeMoe:: For me most drugs bow down in servitude to the alcohol, which is really the wrong approach to take with ecstasy, it turns out.
GimmeMoe:: Anyway, MOVING ON. We have an election to talk about, and that story about the Evangelical crack-up.
hotellobbyist: right. so, like, the election is totes in a year! it's so close!
9:00 AM
hotellobbyist: i mean, what do people do in odd years when there's totes no campaign ads to watch? no series of long, boring and pointless debates to ignore?
GimmeMoe:: Are you on the tips email? Because we've been getting all these angry Hillary Clinton quotes, and I don't know where they're from, probably some new book from Regnery or whatever, but when I'm not hearing "Gimme Gimme" I'm hearing Hillary quotes such as: "What the f*ck do you think you're doing? I know who that whore is. I know what she's here for. Get her out of here." (To President-Elect Clinton as she spots him talking to one of his reputed girlfriends at a going-away celebration the day they left Little Rock for Washington, D.C. in January 1993 Inside the White House, p. 245). And "F*ck off! It's enough that I have to see you sh*t-kickers every day. I'm not going to talk to you, too. Just do your g*dd*mn job and keep your mouth shut." (Said to her Arkansas state trooper bodyguards, after one of them deigned to greet her with "good morning." American Evita, p. 90)
GimmeMoe:: I don't know where it came from, but the same dude sent another email about how Bill had told someone Hillary had eaten more pussy than he had so it's clearly credible.
GimmeMoe:: And I think I read it when I was high, so I keep hearing Hillary yell "fucking shitkickers" and... it could actually kinda work as a cheesy party anthem.
hotellobbyist: wait, i thought shit kickers were a type of shoes?
hotellobbyist: well, i thought BIll was more of a rim job man than a pussy eater?
hotellobbyist: no one would be surprised if his face smelled like shit, but pussy is harder to hide
GimmeMoe:: Oh yeah, I mean, that sounds like legalese if I ever heard it.
GimmeMoe:: I just looked back at the email. It's from Roger Morrow, a "Clinton expert." I think you should call him!
hotellobbyist: i mean, i strongly feel that someone in the White House should be performing cunnilingus. i'm just not sure i care who
GimmeMoe:: Austin, TX 512-306-1510
9:05 AM
hotellobbyist: has he eaten Hil's pussy? because that would be a story
hotellobbyist: ooh, speaking of people who are in bed with Hil, did you see the Merrill Lynch thing?
GimmeMoe:: She really has a way with aligning herself with the worst financial minds.
hotellobbyist: well, don't we all? if you ain't no punk, holla we want prenup.
GimmeMoe:: But no, I just read about that Merrill Lynch thing looking for the words "severance package" because I really get off on it when CEOs who leave huge companies in disgrace after announcing writeoffs of $8 billion which are the worst writeoffs in Wall Street history or something negotiate themselves, like, $100 million packages replete with mortgages for their great grandchildren, etc.
GimmeMoe:: But alas, he is still negotiating it.
9:10 AM
hotellobbyist: well, if he hadn't been a good negotiator, he wouldn't have managed to convince their dumb asses to give him a job in the first place. it's, you know, running the company that he sucks at. sorta like how we elect politicians because they're good at convincing us of various things, and then we expect them to govern and they sorta don't do that as well.
GimmeMoe:: Or, SEGUE ALERT, issue #3. Why people start following RELIGIONS.
GimmeMoe:: When they just take your money and make you feel bad about yourself once a week like some goddamn wannabe filmmaker high school boyfriend!
hotellobbyist: because it allows you to feel better than everyone else and wholly "inadequite" at the same time?
hotellobbyist: hmm, i preferred the boys in the band in high school, but, same diff
hotellobbyist: it's the conservative source of Smug in the world
GimmeMoe:: So did you read the big New York Times Magazine cover story about how evangelicals are totally "over" Bush? I went far enough to read "Once close to 90 percent, the president's approval rating among white evangelicals has fallen to a recent low below 45 percent, according to polls by the Pew Research Center. White evangelicals under 30 — the future of the church — were once Bush's biggest fans; now they are less supportive than their elders." and "The first time I voted was for Carter," Scarborough recalled. "The second time was for 'anybody but Carter,' because he had betrayed everything I hold dear. "Unfortunately," Scarborough concluded, "there is the same feeling in our community right now with George Bush. He appeared so right and so good. He talked a good game about family values around election time. But there has been a failure to follow through."
GimmeMoe:: But the fucking New York Times removed their "read this entire story on a single page like a normal person" option
hotellobbyist: well, Scarborough isn't wrong, really. it's just that he and i disagree whether that's a bad thing
hotellobbyist: what? omg, fuck those people!
hotellobbyist: that's why i read the NYT before the WaPo!
9:15 AM
GimmeMoe:: So after clicking through the first six pages without TED HAGGARD or LARRY CRAIG I was like, "mmmmm, salaciousness GIMME MORE PLEASE!"
GimmeMoe:: And gave up.
hotellobbyist: yeah, there's a definite lack of ass fucking in it
hotellobbyist: on the other hand, Huckabee does kind of all shit over the no-taxes ever wing of the Republican party (that hates him): "I think they are going to have a hard time going out into the pews and saying tax policy is what Jesus is about, that he said, 'Come unto me all you who are overtaxed and I will give you rest.' "
9:20 AM
GimmeMoe:: Haha, Lol. That said, I'm always annoyed by stories about how not all Christians are the same, some of them actually are not beyond rational reasoning, because like duh, that was the whole point of sectarian protestantism in the first place, was that you could go make the church exactly how you wanted it, which is why they ended up coming here in the first place, when really they should have just stuck to Catholicism so they could learn all the nice stories that children need so that they stop acting like little demons, only to gradually yet individually have their own lapse in faith starting at age 12 or 13 or whenever kids these days realize that if everyone who has sex before marriage went to Hell, Heaven would be the fucking LAMEST PLACE EVER.
hotellobbyist: well, heaven might well be the lamest place ever.
GimmeMoe:: I really appreciate the way the dogma of catholicism enabled me to have my very own personal individualized loss of faith.
hotellobbyist: but, the great thing about Catholicism is if you feel really, really badly about all the premarital sex, you still get to go to heaven!
hotellobbyist: it's the Protestants and their lack of instant forgiveness that are depopulating heaven
hotellobbyist: sorta like they're keeping down the birthrate here!
GimmeMoe:: Excactly! And then one day you do a few tabs of acid and wake up the next morning and it's Easter Sunday and you tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and ask him "Did we have sex?" And he nods sheepishly and you laugh and feel not an ounce of guilt!
hotellobbyist: or, you go out on a date with a guy on Easter Sunday and as he goes to kiss you in the car you notice his wedding ring in the ashtray and you don't feel guilty, just loathing and sorrow for his wife
GimmeMoe:: Hey, not to hop back to an earlier subject as if this is just some stream-of-consciousness thing we're doing here that does not belong on a highly professional blog like Jezebel, but one of my favorite things from the Britney Spears think pieces was this, from an A&R executive at Jive.
GimmeMoe:: Ms. LaBarbera Whites adds that during the 14 months it took to record the album in Los Angeles, New York and Atlanta, Ms. Spears's professionalism "never wavered." The label set up nurseries for her sons at the various recording studios. "She'd work, take a break and play with the babies," then get back to work, the executive says.
9:25 AM
hotellobbyist: wait, if "playing with the babies" a new euphemism for masturbation?
GimmeMoe:: LOL! That's the only way this would not actually a more absurd statement than, "Sex before marriage is a mortal sin."
hotellobbyist: because that's the only way that such a statement is believable
GimmeMoe:: So what's the deal with Huckabee? Do I have to know about him?
hotellobbyist: no one else does, so why should you?
hotellobbyist: he's the Richard Simmons of candidates
GimmeMoe:: Oh, because Colbert and Ron Paul are too serious?



@SinisterRouge: I read that too. I hate them all, be it "anti-war AND anti-abortion" Christians who still don't believe in birth control, sex-ed, or stem cell research...or the truly hateful wolves-in-sheeps' clothing, like James Dobson...the proud lunatics who areangry that other churches want to work on issues that call for bipartisanship, humility, empathy, and...not being batshit, basically. Global warming, war, life AFTER gestation, etc. etc.

You know something? I'm sorry, but unless there's an endless supply of revenue to care for all the unplanned/poor kids that would result if these people had their way (there isn't, and what resources we have now suck...why should we expect the foster care system or something similar to function? When children are LOVED/financially stable, they're more vulnerable than adults in this society...what about the "accidents?"), it'd still piss me off if someone like Mike Huckabee or these "enlightened" rightwing Christians had their way. We don't need huge f*cking families being a norm anymore....assholes. It's still an economic/gender fallacy (b/c being barefoot and pregnant all the time doesn't have any effect on woman's socioeconomic status in this country, right?)to act as if a world without birth control is okay.

I felt nothing but repulsion at the end of the article...these f*ckfaces put Bush in office and are either infuriated Bush didn't deliver the theocracy he promised (Dobson et. al) or else they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that this "born-again" war criminal is what "liberals" said he is—-willfully ignorant, impulsive...a willfull f*ck-up on the issues that matter most to the country, more than divisive bullshit issues (issues that should not BE issues...they are just strawmen, tokens of our stunning, repulsive heads-in-our-asses idiocy as voters) like gay marriage.