We Must Discuss Pete Davidson’s Spray Tan

Pete Davidson has a certain glow about him these days, and it isn’t just his new relationship shimmer. The comedian has gone through what I can only assume is a rite of passage for someone from Staten Island and has gotten a spray tan.

Seeing Pete and his girlfriend, Marilyn Monroe cosplayer Kim Kardashian, on the red carpet of this week’s Met Gala, one simply could not ignore his new bronze tint. Normally, I wouldn’t pay too much attention to, or even clock, a celebrity’s cosmetic refurbishment. Kim seems to have a new hair color every week. Jared Leto is in a constant manic state of disguising himself. If Katy Perry isn’t dressed as a fast food item, is it even an event?

But Pete is someone I’ve come to rely on as looking pretty much the same, which is funny considering he’s on a sketch comedy show playing various characters every weekend. Though, let’s be real, his range is from Chad the pool boy to a guy named Gavin who calls hooking up with his teacher “the best day of [his] life.” That only furthers my point. Pete stays in Pete’s lane. So, when Tan Pete 2.0 dropped, my interest was piqued.

Mainly, I want to know how the conversation went down between Kim, or more likely Kris, and Pete? Who sat Pete down and was like, “You’re a Kardashian-Jenner now and on Wednesdays we spray tan to maintain our precarious and marketable ethnic ambiguity?” Was it even spoken out loud – that Kim can’t have a pasty man on her side, that such an accessory is Kourtney’s thing? Or was it very hush-hush, and Pete was swept away into a back hallway of Kim’s cavernous marble home only to get ambushed with a spray tan gun? Was he scared when it happened? Was he questioning if the relationship was moving too fast? Was he probably, definitely, just like, “oh for sure, whatever, that’s cool.”

He joked about it on stage at the Netflix Is A Joke comedy festival this past weekend, saying that he wasn’t sure if he should “do his dick and ass” and had to ask a friend, who ultimately suggested he “leave those white.”

The man is vulnerable! He needs guidance! Does he go with Bermuda Bronze or Miami Mist? Kris is out here ordering the fake n’ bake, yet can’t be as considerate as to explain the intricacies of genital tanning. That’s being a bad stage mom, in my opinion.

Personally, I don’t think one should have to change their appearance in order to fall in line behind their demanding mother-in-law’s utopian vision of her tan empire, but unlike his alleged new neck tattoos of Kim’s children’s names, this spray tan isn’t permanent. He can hopefully stop doing it if he wants. Whatever makes you feel beautiful, Pete.