Watching SATC2 Live: Our Minute-By-Minute Analysis
LatestIt’s a monumental day in women’s history! We’re coming to you from a 10am showing, where we are live-blogging our insights into the movie’s magical minutiae. Remember this moment, because it’s the moment at which dreams came true.
9:50 Hi! I am in a cab. I was going to bike to the theater but the universe is conspiring against me! I had a low-grade fever and a sore throat last night. Today I feel better but run-down. Hopefully white people spending money will cheer me up!
9:52 In the theater now. Would you believe that there is a giant SATC 2 poster outside? Visible from the escalator?
9:53
9:56 I am in the last row. In the far far right seat so that no one will be behind me as I text. I am the only one in here at the moment, but I did see four or five 20-something ladies milling about in the lobby. And about two 50-something ladies. Of course, they could be here for Get Him To The Greek.
9:58 Three ladies have arrived! No longer alone. Well, emotionally, maybe.
10:00 Just watching word scrambles and shit.
10:06 Sleepy. Wish I’d brought a pillow.
10:10 OK. This is weird. It’s a trailer for Sex and the City 2. The movie I’m here to see.
10:15 It turns out I was in the wrong theater.
10:16 I moved. There are at least 25 people here.
10:17 Katherine Heigl movie trailer. Baby hijinks.
10:23 Opening credits! Alicia Keys song! Carrie says, “Once upon a time there was an island. Some Dutch, some Indians, and some beads.” Say what now?
10:24 Now we are BC before Carrie. 1986. Carrie and Charlotte in ’80s clothes.
10:25 We also see Miranda and Samantha in ’80s clothes.
10:26 Now they’re in Bergdof talking about the gay wedding. Giggles from audience.
10:26 Fast forward to wedding. Carrie and Big are both wearing tuxedos.
10:27 Big: Don’t make me look too good. Gay wedding.
10:28 Gay men’s chorus wearing glitter top hats at wedding. The white wedding is white white white.
10:29 Swans!
10:29 Anthony has announced that he gets to cheat in his marriage. Charlotte made a stinkface.
10:32 Carrie’s name tag says Carrie Preston not Carrie Bradshaw. She is uncomfy. Then she puts on a feather headband and everything is okay.
10:33 Did I mention that Carrie is the best man?
10:33 Liza Minnelli has manifested!!! She is marrying the gays to each other. Obvs. Gay mens chorus is singing “Sunrise, Sunset.”
10:34 Glass is broken. Mazel tov!
10:35 Oh God. Liza is singing “Single Ladies.”
10:35 Her dancing is good actually.
10:36 If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
10:37 Chitchat at reception: Charlotte is stressed about her kid. Miranda’s new boss is mean to her.
10:39 Carrie meets a fan of her work who asks if Carrie and Big are having kids. Carrie says they don’t wants kids and the fan is like — wha??!! Just you two????
10:41 The reception is happening in real time? I think? It’s been forever.
10:42 Samantha picked up one of the only straight dudes at the party: Anthony’s brother. They are fucking. Loudly.
10:43 Simultaneously, Charlotte’s baby is crying. Loudly. Carrie and Big lie in bed and ZOMG it’s a metaphor for their life: “Somewhere between wild sex and a baby.”
10:44 Next morning: Samantha is talking about her vitamins and drugs and hormones.
10:46 Charlotte is late to brunch because she was waiting for her nanny… the nanny is Irish and big boobed and braless.
10:47 Samantha says there should be a law against hiring a nanny that looks like that. Carrie says a JUDE LAW, badum bump.
10:48 Carrie and Big arrive home. We are treated to apartment porn and closet porn.
10:50 Carrie and Big seem bored in their perfect apartment. Oh noes!
10:50 Now Steve and Miranda are talking about how her job eats her life.
10:52 At work Miranda has a showdown with her boss. She quits! And goes to Brady’s science fair. He wins. Obv.
10:53 In Charlotte’s apartment, Harry and the nanny are giving the kid a bath. Water splashes on the nanny’s tank top and it turns see-through. Nipples. Charlotte is like, “um…”
10:55 Charlotte calls Carrie and asks if she should be worried. Baby screams the whole time. Older Asian daughter gets frosting on Charlotte’s vintage cream Valentino skirt. Charlotte has a meltdown.
10:57 Somewhere in Times Square, Samantha is putting some kind of serum on her vulva as she sits in her office. Smith Jarrod calls. He’s in Abu Dhabi. He wants her to come to his movie premiere. And she’s like, “Word.”
10:58 At Carrie’s apt she is giving Big a watch. Zzzzzzzzz.
10:58 He gives her a flat-screen TV.
10:59 “So we can lay in bed and watch old black and white movies.” A lady in the audience went “Awwww.”
11:00 Carrie is like, “The only word I heard in that sentence was ‘old.'”
11:00 Cut to: Shopping!
11:02 Samantha is looking for a dress. She likes a short glittery one. Saleslady says it might be too young. Samantha says, “I am fifty fucking two and I will rock this dress.”
11:03 At Carrie’s house she is dressed to go to a premiere and Big doesn’t want to go. They are squabbling.
11:04 So the premiere is for Smith’s new movie. Samantha is on red carpet in glitter dress and OMG so is Miley Cyrus!
11:05 After an awkward moment, Miley grabs Samantha and they pose together.
11:05 Someone shouts, “Miley, is that your mother?”
11:07 Movie afterparty: A dude from Abu Dhabi is talking about how Smith’s movie was shot there and how up and coming the city is. He wants Samantha to come and maybe publicize how great Abu Dhabi is — younger than Dubai…
11:08 Also at the party Big is talking to Penelope Cruz who is playing some kind of stock market analyst. Carrie is jealous.
11:08 At home she says she doesn’t want to be one of those couples who lay in bed watching TV and not talking.
11:10 SJP’s abs are amazing. They never show Carrie working out.
11:10 When do we got to the United Arab Emirates??? Jesus. Or um, Allah.
11:13 Carrie has decided to work from her old apt. Which she still has. No I don’t know how that is possible.
11:15 But first she’s having lunch with the ladies and Samantha is inviting them to Abu Dhabi. She says the economy has been bullshit and they need to go somewhere rich!!!
11:17 First Big picks Carrie up from her old apt. Just like old times. Then she starts packing…
11:18 Big interrupts to say that he thinks he should go somewhere two days a week every week — to keep the marriage sparkling. Carrie is dismayed.
11:20 Carrie might be disappointed with marriage. BTW, Carrie’s new book is called I Do. Do I?
11:21 Moving on!!! The ladies are on a gorgeous plane on their way to the Middle East. Carrie is excited about “Arabic Pringles.”
11:25 Samantha has learned how to say “yes” in Arabic and plans to use it often.
11:25 Miranda has brought Us Weekly on the plane and the faux headline reads, “CHEATING WITH THE NANNY.” Charlotte is crestfallen.
11:26 They have landed. Samantha’s drugs have been taken from luggage and she is distraught.
11:27 The ladies have four white chauffeured maybachs with which to see Abu Dhabi. Miranda says, “Abu Dhabi doo!”
11:27 The hotel is beyond gorgeous.
11:28 Samantha is wearing glitter harem pants.
11:29 The World Cup trials happen to be in Abu Dhabi so the lobby is full of hot soccer players.
11:32 Each lady has her own butler! The jewel suite is so pretty… I am burning with jealousy.
11:32 Miranda is explaining to Samantha that you’re supposed to cover up.
11:33 And explaining abayas and veils. A woman is eating french fries under her veil and Carrie is gawking.
11:38 Carrie is up in the middle of the night and has a heart to heart with the butler whose wife lives in India and doesn’t get to see him often.
11:38 Samantha called her butler Paula Abdul.
11:40 They are off to the souk! Carrie is wearing her tulle skirt and Dior tee. Before they go in, her butler warns her not to buy blackmarket stuff. “Forbidden experience.”
11:40 I actually laughed, OK? For the first time!
11:41 Carrie is shoe shopping.
11:41 “$20? For shoes?” Has she never been to Payless or Rainbow?
11:42 She accidentally put her passport on the counter of the shoe stall and then the call to prayer sounded!
11:43 And zomg AIDAN. They have run into each other.
11:43 He wants to take her out to dinner.
11:44 I have to pee.
11:49 Back at the hotel there are ladies wearing head to toe modesty swimsuits and Samantha calls them “burkinis.”
11:50 Then the soccer players come out and strip down and frolic in the water. Mancandy.
11:51 I had to pee. It was non-negotiable. But I came back and Charlotte was falling off a camel.
11:51 Her pants to wedged in her vulva and Miranda said she had a real camel toe.
11:52 And then Carrie called it a “sand wedge.”
11:52 Samantha just met the hot guy in the jeep and called him “Laurence of my labia.”
11:53 Cut to nightclub with karaoke and belly dancers.
11:54 Um. You guys. Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha are singing, “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar.”
11:56 What’s the emoticon for psychic pain and embarrassment?
11:57 Women in the nightclub are singing along.
12:00 Samantha and her “Laurence of her labia” have set a date.
12:00 Next morning. The New Yorker has given Carrie’s book a bad review. Miranda gives a speech about how men in the U.S. secretly want women to be silent, eating french fries behind a veil.
12:01 Carrie takes a walk on the sand. Soul searching.
12:03 Carrie gets all dressed up to see Aidan but Charlotte doesn’t think she should go.
12:04 Carries goes. Obvs.
12:06 Miranda and Charlotte have drinks at the bar in their room. They’re talking about how hard it is to be a mom. Charlotte always wanted to have a family but her daughters are driving her crazy. “And I have full time help! How do the women without help do it?!” Miranda, “I don’t fucking know. Here’s to them.” They drink.
12:07 Patronizing!!!!
12:08 Back to Aidan and Carrie. He has three kids now. He is saying you’re not like other women. And you look hot.
12:09 Carrie and Aiden kiss. A clap and a murmur from the audience.
12:09 He says “Oh fuck.” She runs away.
12:10 Carrie runs back to the hotel and tells Miranda and Charlotte. Carrie says, “I played with fire!!!”
12:11 Carrie asks Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte if she should tell Big about the kiss. Samantha says no. And “sleep on it.”
12:13 Samantha and Laurence of Her Labia are having a late night date. She is smoking the shisha seductively and putting her whole mouth around it. A guy in traditional dress and his wife in an abaya are disgusted. The audience laughs. When Laurence gets up he has a hard on. No. Really.
12:13 Carrie is calling Big and telling him that she kissed Aidan.
12:14 She feels awful.
12:14 She is sorry. He is silent.
12:14 Then he says “I’m at work. I have to go,” and hangs up.
12:15 Phone rings. Samantha has been arrested for having sex on the beach!!!
12:16 Samantha says they only kissed.
12:17 Morning. Samantha has been released.
12:24 The front desk calls and says Samantha’s meeting with the important guy who ways paying their way has been canceled and they have to pay their hotel bill if they want to stay — $22,000 a night.
12:25 Samantha leaves hotel in shorts and says she can’t wait to get to the U.S. where “Legs are not the devil.”
12:26 Carrie has realized that she doesn’t have her passport. Miranda is trying to speak Arabic and says, “LALALALALA!”
12:27 Carrie finds passport with shoe man. “Shoes for everyone!”
12:28 Samantha’s bag falls out as religious men are walking to prayer. Lots of condoms fall out.
12:28 The men are freaking out. Samantha yells, “YES I HAVE SEX.”
12:29 They are being followed by a mob.
12:31 Some women in abayas indicate that the ladies should follow them. A whole bunch of women in abayas are having a book club meeting. They say, “You’re from U.S., yes?”
12:32 Carrie says yeah, from NYC. Women say, “We love the fashion!”
12:33 The ladies take off abayas and underneath they are wearing designer outfits.
12:34 But Carrie and the gals can’t stay. They have to catch a flight. How will they get past the mob?
12:35 They borrow abayas, of course.
12:35 And run through the souk in veils.
12:36 Then they have trouble getting a cab so Carrie pulls up her abaya and shows her leg. Cab stops.
12:36 They make plane and suddenly they are back in New York.
12:37 Carrie comes home to empty apt. No BIG, no TV.
12:38 But Big shows up and says, “I am a grown up. I made a vow.”
12:38 His punishment for her is a huge sapphire ring: “You have to wear this so you remember we are married.”
12:39 He makes her say some vows like, “I will never kiss another man who is not my husband.”
12:40 Oh wait. It’s not a sapphire. It’s a black diamond, “because you’re not like anyone else.”
12:40 So. Miranda gets a better job.
12:41 Samantha fucks Lawrence of Her Labia on the beach in the Hamptons.
12:41 Charlotte finds out her nanny is a lesbian.
12:41 Carrie and Big watch an old movie on the couch.
12:41 The song playing is “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper.
12:42 As the credits roll.
12:42 The end. I have a headache.
12:43 A smattering of applause.
12:44 I have to pee again.
12:45 People leaving the theater seem underwhelmed, but one young lady says, “I liked the clothes.”