An Ohio man who loves summer, like, more than a friend, was charged with public indecency after several children witnessed him having sex with a pool toy this week. How does that even work? What is going on?
According to The Smoking Gun, a great source for news stories that will make you emit sounds that you didn't know you could make (when I read this story, I made a sound that was like "gawwwwrrrp?" aloud and Dodai started laughing at me), the 34-year-old floatyfucker is Hamilton, Ohio's Edwin Tobergta. Take it away, COPS of the internet,
According to a Hamilton Police Department report, Tobergta “stepped out of his back door, naked and was havingsexual relations with a rubber pool float.” Investigators added that Tobergta’s alleged encounter with the item “occurred in front of several children who saw his genitals and his actions with the float. The children were under the age of 10 and it occurred in the afternoon during the daylight hours.”
In response, Florida governor Rick Scott has assembled an emergency task force whose only job is to claim the title of Our Nation's Pool Toy Fucking Capitol for the Sunshine State.*
*If that sentence were not a joke, it would be the most useful thing Rick Scott would have done during his term as governor. Sorry. Potshot.