Warning: The Cosmo Flirting Guide Might Turn You Into A Total Lunatic

One would think that after the ponytail-thong debacle of 2009, Cosmo might reassess their sexy-sexy-sexxx dating advice and dial back the crazy a bit. Alas, the flirting guide in the March 2010 issue proves Cosmo’s wackiness is here to stay.

An article titled “50 Ways To Become A Legendary Flirt” presents itself as a guide to getting what you want by flirting your way into the hearts and minds of others. A little sexyface here, a little flattery there: these are the things that will get a fun, fearless female what she wants, according to the Cos. While the article notes that flirting “doesn’t always have to be sexual,” it appears that nobody stopped to consider how creepy several of the suggestions in the guide are. Until now, that is! Let’s take a look at the most insane flirting suggestions, shall we?

5. Act all innocent and shy when the adorable UPS guy happens to catch you still in your short silk robe at 10 a.m. on a Saturday.

You do realize this isn’t going to help you at all, right? For one thing, your package has already been delivered (insert Cosmo joke here, am I right, ladies! Penises!) so it’s not as if answering the door like a character in a porn movie is going to speed things up at all. Secondly, it’s highly unlikely that the delivery guy will write a letter to whomever is shipping your packages, the distribution center responsible for sending them, and, you know, the Earth, to let them know that from now on your things have to be delivered on time, because you answer the door in your skivvies, which makes you important.

8. Lean on the counter at the dry cleaners so that the cashier can see your statement necklace slip into your cleavage.

Oh, honey, no. Nobody cares about your boobs or your statement necklace at the dry cleaners. Your clothes will be ready on Monday, and that stain isn’t coming out. And now you’ll be known as “Tits McGee, the crazy bitch with the stained coat” for as long as you use that particular dry cleaning service.

9. Take a sip of your mocha latte, stare into the eyes of the barista who made it, and moan “Oh, yeah…that is soooo good.” Next time, watch your drink appear before everyone else’s.

The only reason your drink is coming out first is because everyone who works there thinks you are insane and they really, really want you to leave. And as soon as you do, they are totally going to make fun of you.

16. “‘Trip,’ fall against a man’s chest, and say, ‘Damn, your pecs are so hard, I felt like I was falling into a wall.'”

If there’s one piece of honest advice I can give you, it is this: life is not a Kate Hudson movie. Things like this do not happen in real life, and when they do, one person in the equation is typically a total cornball who needs to be dismissed immediately.

17. Get the indie music guy hanging near the jukebox to help you pick out a song.

LOL what? Where is this mythical place where the “indie music guy” hangs out near the jukebox? The Max? The Peach Pit? The Peach Pit After Dark?

22. Hit up a sports bar and ask the guy sitting beside you what his favorite team is so you’ll “know who to root for.”

Oh, this is so sad! And so transparent! Doing this will just make you look stupid and desperate and pathetic. Especially if his favorite team is the Yankees and then you have to act like you like them for a few hours. So sad!

29. Tell your big sis she’s a total MILF.

This is pretty sick, actually. Don’t do this. Just…don’t do this.

Here’s the problem with the majority of these tips (aside from their ridiculousness): they rely on a woman dumbing herself down in order to appeal to some dude or to get what she wants. To get your coffee fast, you need to moan like an idiot, to try to meet guys, you need to ask them what they like so you can mold yourself around their idea of the perfect woman, and to impress your family members, apparently, you need to make vaguely incestuous comments.

For all the “fun, fearless” talk Cosmo pushes, its articles often revert to the notion that a woman has to play it safe and stupid to get ahead in the world, using her boobs over her brains and discarding all self-awareness in an attempt to appear “sexy” and “daring.” The results are often a display of idiocy and transparent attempts to be what she believes other people expect her to be: the Cosmo girl has to try to flirt her way into the hearts of others with her underwear tied in her hair because she doesn’t know how to just stand up, be herself, own her sexuality, and say what she means. There’s a difference between being a flirt and being completely insane. Someday, Cosmo might figure it out.