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War, Peace, & Giant "Roaches": Gwynnie Speaks On Literature, Life

Illustration for article titled iWar/i, iPeace/i,  Giant Roaches: Gwynnie Speaks On Literature, Life

How come Gwyneth Paltrow calls the press "roaches"? Maybe because they make fun of her.


Strictly speaking, Gwyneth was talking about photographers when she allegedly told her publicist, "I'm done. Get the roaches out of here." "Roach" Chuck Taylor points out that she was "referring to those very photographers that deliver her pictures to the wire services, newspapers and weekly celebrity magazines, helping her maintain any semblance of relevance." But we're sure she'd have an equally insectile epithet to hurl at Craig Brown, who skewers GOOP in Vanity Fair. His "Diary: Gwyneth Paltrow" ("As told to Craig Brown") offers the following advice:

Many of you have asked if I have any tips on how to get leggings on quicker. My in-house leggings guru advises rubbing onto your legs a paste made from five spoonfuls of extra-virgin olive oil, turbinado sugar, and coarsely ground fair-trade coffee. If you have any further problems, then next week I'll be recommending a truly great creative-leggings clinic.


Brown's faux-Gwynnie also mentions "learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable" and an "amazing new recipe for a detox face cream consisting of oatmeal, bee pollen, butterfly larvae, organic anti-freeze, sunflower extract, and liquid Lycra." But what is she reading? "Gwyneth" writes,

Here are some of my absolute favorite books. War, by Leo Tolstoy. A great read. Bonus: You can get it as part of a two-volume edition which includes Peace by the same great author.

Shakespeare, by Shakespeare. He has so many great lines. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "I am the Walrus." "My heart will go on." They're part of the language.

Brown is getting it slightly wrong here. Gwyneth Paltrow isn't an idiot — she's just self-absorbed, entitled, and possibly overly credulous of silly homeopathic shit. She may be a little careless about who she takes her book recommendations from, but she probably doesn't get Shakespeare confused with John Lennon. We do wonder, however, how she feels about The Metamorphosis.


Why Won't The Media 'Roaches' Leave Poor Gwyneth Alone? [Gawker]
Sweet Gwyneth Paltrow Maligns The Press, Calling Them "The Roaches" [The Smoking Nun]
Diary: Gwyneth Paltrow [Vanity Fair]

Earlier: Gwyneth Gives Free Ad Space To Fancy NYC Literary Agent

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Erin Gloria Ryan

I can't read or hear anything about Gwenneth Paltrow without recalling the scene in Can't Hardly Wait where the ditzy popular girls console the recently-dumped Jennifer Love Hewitt— "You are sooooooooooo Gwenneth!"