Wan Erection: A Tribute to the Best Zayn Malik Fanfic on the Net

It’s been a tough week for One Direction fans. And now that the weekend is drawing near, promising a full two days of grieving without any annoying interruptions like insensitive teachers or parents who just don’t get it. Since the only way you’ll ever see the boys together again is in your imagination, we’ve compiled the best Zayn fanfic for your mourning needs.

Before we venture forward into this roundup of beautiful stories written by the most dedicated fans on the internet, let me remind you that there may be some adult content (all adult content) involved. Because the boys are both multi-faceted and adventurous, there may even be a pregnancy or three. But who wouldn’t give their right arm right now just so that Zayn could dump his seed into Harry and have the latter give birth to a mini-Zayn who could take his father’s place on the world tours that this band will undoubtedly go on forever because no one will ever lose interest in a manufactured pop band created solely for profits. Wow, that was a long sentence. Why don’t you take a deep breath and dive into the ten best stories you could be reading right now.

Who Was the Doner?

This story, written by a fan whose name has been lost to the ages, is short, to the point and a great reminder about exactly what kind of guy Zayn was. He wasn’t just a head of thick hair you wanted to run your fingers through, and he wasn’t just a pair of smoldering eyes. He was also a kind, caring man who would do anything for the ones he loves, including undergoing a completely illegal procedure in which his healthy heart, full of joy, is wrenched out of his body to give life to the “you” that he won’t ever let go of.

“You’ll be fine love.” Zayn and you are waiting infront of the surgery room. Your getting ready for a heart transplant. As Zayn is looking at you he sais, ” Did you hear me? You’ll be fine and I love you. I love you!” You look at him and nodd. ” But-“”Remember, I will always be in your heart whatever hapens. Your the one I love and always remember that.” He interupts. You stop there and hug him. He snifs a bit because he starts to cry. You look at him and smile. He grins just a bit. The nurse walks out. ” Hun, you ready?” You look at Zayn and walk away. You turn around once more to look at him and he is there watching your every move.

Your waiting outside the room after your surgey wating for Zayn to come. It has been 45 minutes and you loose your patience so you ask the nurse who brought you in. ” Exuse me?” You say slowly. ” Where is the boy that was with me before I walked in for my surgery?” She looks at you and replies. ” Oh, you don’t know who the doner was?

I may be completely wrong about this, but if The Doner (“Oh, you don’t know who the doner was?) was a real thing that happened, I imagine that the poor person (“you,” in this case would survive for only about an hour or so before the angry One Directioners on Twitter found out where you were recuperating, stormed down there with knives and pitchforks and forcibly removed the heart from your chest, making you the doner. (It speaks to the duality of man.)

The Dark and The Twisted: Zayn- Angry Sex

A multi-vignette second person account of your trysts with every member of 1D in full and glorious detail. While the main character “your name” has the energy to be dominated by Liam, Niall, Harry and the rest of the band, you should skip all that for now and move directly to chapter 9, which is eerily on topic considering Zayn’s sudden departure from the band.

In this chapter, Zayn believes you are cheating on him, and while he’s certain you wouldn’t do that because “I’m Zayn Malik” he still needs to teach you a lesson about loyalty and “getting it hard” for seeing men that aren’t him. (Kind of creepy if you ask me, but whatever floats the teenager’s who wrote this boat.) (And this was clearly written by a teenager.)

It’s an excellent story if you’re interested in inserting yourself into the narrative and if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to make the most awkward dirty talk with one of the world’s most famous men.

Zayn, please…” you whisper hoarsely. He cocks up one eyebrow and gives you a challenging look.

“What, Y/N? What do you want me to do?” he teases you, slightly entering his tip before pulling away again.

“Put it in, please. And fuck me, hard,” you continue and a cocky smile plays at the corner of his mouth.

To be honest, that’s also how I talk during sexy times (and another problem is I call it “sexy times”) so I felt really transported into the world of Zayn and Y/N. To make this really fly, though, you should probably copy/paste the story and write your name into it. It might even make you feel closer to Zayn! And isn’t that all we want right now?

Breaking Bracelets With Zayn

Taking inspiration from the “sex bracelet” trend that wasn’t (remember? the one where jelly bracelets meant all sorts of weird, gross sex things?) this story is set in an alternate universe where all 1D members are gay and Harry and Zayn are secretly in love with each other. Too shy to just start making out in front of the others, the two use sex bracelets as a way to enter into a sexual relationship without coming off as too gay or anything. They’re just having sex because the bracelets told them to. You know, like in normal relationships. Lots of romance (including hickeys and hugging), internet research and descriptions of Zayn’s underwear.

Here’s the best part, in which Zayn and Harry negotiate whether they have time to reciprocate oral sex before they have to go back to signing CDs and posters for the thousands of preteens that have no idea that their two favorite bandmates are having sex in a kitchen.

“My turn now,” Zayn whispered once his breathing was more steady.

Zayn hopped off the counter and pulled his undies and jeans back on before pushing Harry against the wall and dropping to his knees in front of the curly head.

“Zayn, we don’t… we don’t have time for this,” Harry mumbled as Zayn reached for his belt buckle, his hand stopping the Bradford boy.

Zayn checked his Rolex; Harry was right. They had exactly seven minutes before heading back to the signing. “Like I said, I decide this time.”

“But the others must be wondering where we are.”

“Chickening out, Hazza?” Zayn smirked and Harry looked away, knowing he would not be able to refuse Zayn if he was wearing that fucking killer smirk on his lips.

“What? Of course not.”

“Don’t worry about the others, I’ll handle them,” Zayn again reached for Harry’s belt and undid it.

“But we have to go back to the signing soon,” Harry protested weakly as Zayn popped open the button and unzipped his jeans.

“We’ll tell the boys that I found you in the toilet and that you were sick. And we got you back as soon as you felt better. Ok?”

#Rolex.

Zayn I think I’m pregnant

Excellent use of stream-of-consciousness writing that would make any practitioner of the style proud. This story concerns Zayn and Niall being caught in trouble when Zayn has sex with Niall without putting on a condom and impregnates his irish friend.

Most memorable line, uttered while Zayn is skull-fucking a willing Niall behind the bushes (which is the best place for privacy when you are a multi-national star):

After half a minuet he stopped thrusting and pulled out of my mouth completely. “Do you have a gag reflex?” He asked “I’m Irish, none of us do.”

I know that it’s just a misspelling of “minute,” but how awesome would it be if that typo were intentional and that Zayn was really feeling the oral sex as a sow, stately ballroom dance in triple time?

I rushed to the toilet and emptied my guts into the toilet and new exactly what was wrong. “Damn you Malik.” I say “what did I do now babe?” Zayn asked as he walked into the bathroom. We had moved in together after he asked me to be his boyfriend. “Zayn I think I’m pregnant.”

Uh-oh.

Bad Boy Louis

Because there’s nothing worse for the boys in the band than being seen as ruffians, they’re dismayed when Louis won’t stop swearing. So they punish him in the only way the know how: By dressing him up in a pink dress, spanking him and then taking turns having sex with his willing body as punishment. Personally, I think a course of cognitive-behavioral therapy might have been a better choice, but who am I to argue with One Direction’s proven methods?

My attempt with this piece was not just to give fans of the group closure, but as a sort of goodbye for each of the members from Zayn. This story, which is one of very few where Zayn and Louis have anything to do with each other (is there a feud going on in real life or is it just that Louis is the least cute one?), was hard to find and only features a few moments between them in the all-around orgy. But the moments they do share are outstandingly written.

“Let’s have a see at how red you bottom has gotten.” Zayn whispered, the boys were now standing in front of them. He eased down Louis’ underwear and let them rest right underneath his bum. “Not red enough I don’t think. You’ve been so very bad, you deserve more spanks.”

And:

“Is that right Lou? Are you a cock slut babe?” Zayn asked, still unmoved. “Your mouth looks so good around me Louis, I think you can go deeper.” Zayn said before he curled his fingers into Louis’ hair and forcefully pushed Louis downwards, making him almost gag. “Maybe this is what I should do to keep you from swearing aye? Keep a cock in your mouth so you finally learn a lesson.”

Again, I feel there would have been better methods. This type of conditioning seems both unorthodox and ineffective in the long run, the same as washing a mouth out with soap would have been. What other ways do you think Louis’s concerned friends could have helped him?

Three Times Liam Takes Care of Zayn (And One Time Zayn Takes Care of Liam) [;)]

A portent of things to come. In an alternate universe where Zayn has either already left one direction or the group never existed, Liam finds “DJ Malik” or “Zaynster” as he is sometimes called by fans in the know, begging for change with a basket. Overcome with Zayn’s beauty and possible sad story — Liam knows Zayn will tell him when the time is right — Liam invites the smoldering homeless stranger to spend the night at his house, sleeping in his bed in his Hulk pajamas. What happens next is a surprise to everyone but the most astute reader of 1D fanfic.

Liam wakes up to a warm body pressed against his. Zayn must have joined him on the couch during the night and now is sleeping peacefully.

Liam turns slowly to watch Zayn sleep: he’s wearing Liam’s Hulk pyjama, he looks like a lost puppy, and Liam just wants to cuddle him.

Suddenly Zayn yawns and as soon as he opens his eyes he realizes that Liam is staring at him.

“Good morning,” Liam says with a soft smile.

“Mmm, morning Liam,” Zayn murmurs, his voice thick with sleep. “Sorry I didn’t want to bother you, but I wasn’t able to sleep alone so I ended up here. Did I disturb you?”

“I’m actually very happy to wake up to your lovely face, Zayn.”

And that’s when Zayn kisses him, even if at first he just presses his lips against Liam’s. “I have morning breath, Liam. I can’t properly kiss you with that.”

“Me too, so it’s not a big deal. Just kiss me again, please?”

Zayn doesn’t make Liam repeat himself and he pushes his tongue into Liam’s mouth, Liam’s hand stroking Zayn’s hair gently while they deepen the kiss.

Nope, didn’t expect that. Or this:

Liam, I want to. You took care of me so many times, let me take care of you for once, yeah?”

Liam nods and completely forgets how to breathe when Zayn starts massaging his cock through his boxers, before taking it in his hand.

Zayn strokes it for a while and then he licks his lips, spits a bit of saliva on Liam’s lenght and then takes it in his mouth.

lenght.

Knotty Boy

Don’t read this one until you’re ready. Not because it features graphic depictions of sex between Harry and Louis, but because it’s the only piece of literature here that doesn’t involve Zayn. The realization that smutty fan fiction of the 1 Direction persuasion will now feature a foursome instead of a five-piece may be a lot to take, but please remember that there’s always tomorrow, where Harry and Louis are still there and still willing to fuck like dogs in order to bring you happiness.

“God, Harry so big, knot me –” Louis groans, arms collapsing from underneath him so he falls into the pillows. “Fuck – splitting me open on your cock-” he cries, as Harry nails into his prostate, his knot swelling further, catching on Louis’ hole as he draws back.

“Wish I could knot you all the time, just stay in you, knot you over and over,” Harry chokes out, “Keep filling you with my cum, my babies.”

Remember, the future may seem bleak now, but your heart will love again. And if nothing else, we’ll always have fanfic.