Ever wonder whether there's a man on earth who thinks Ralph Lauren is more important than Ralph Lauren himself? No? Hey, that's why God created Vanity Fair, which assigned one Paul Goldberger to try and draft the esteemed aficionado of shores/offshoring into maybe throwing his hat in the ring for Decision '08:

In a sense, Lauren's sales pitches are like the come-ons of a great politician, which is why I have begun to wonder whether Lauren may have more in common with figures such as Ronald Reagan and Teddy Roosevelt than with any other designer. Like them, he has built his success on a belief that the world is pretty good as it is, but that he can make it better still; all we need to do is trust him and follow along.

And can't we just see it now.... The platform: "Why Bother Letting It Trickle Down Economics." As laid out in a bestselling memoir, The Audacity Of That Fucking Turd-Sized Logo...

Anyway, now is the part where we exhort you to read that paragraph over again, preferably aloud to someone, so you can bask in its absurdity before reminding yourself you're reading the work of a staffer at the New Yorker, who is by virtue of that fact smarter than you, which is why he is capable of such keen insights as

When you walk into the Polo Ralph Lauren shop on Place de la Madeleine, in Paris, you don't think of the United States as the country that invaded Iraq. You think of it as the country that made it possible for everyone to be rich


Right, because that's so very not a sinister myth peddled to cheat people into selling themselves into indentured servitude and enduring months inside shipping containers to come to this country, but hang on a second because we almost left out the giant pull quote draped across spread.

Ralph Lauren realized that you don't have to be a Republican to enjoy dressing like one.


See, here's the thing. This is all so inane it makes the drug war look intelligent. Which is fine: he was obviously high when he wrote it, but whenever you wonder why 50% of Americans think Iraqis took down the World Trade Center remember that it's policy wonks like this that represent the best minds American journalism has to offer right now and that's why the rest of us go to work for TMZ.

Earlier: Ralph Lauren Is Really Fucking Rich