Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

As we're all aware by now, the modern incarnation of Valentine's Day is nothing more than a consumer fabrication to get us to splash out on Godiva chocolate and a bouquet of Birds of Paradise for the person we hump on the regs. However, for those of us who are single, it can still be a crappy benchmark of the year—when you're on the train, for instance, and every dude is holding flowers and candy.

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While there are plenty of gift guides and date ideas for lovers (this one! and this one, and this one...) here's one for those of us who are planning on having hate-sex with a guy who's kind of an asshole, or just making love to a box of Zebra Cakes, which is my plan.

Image via stocknadia/Shutterstock

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

You'll feel your H-O-T-T-E-S-T in this pair of irresistible Hanes men's sweatpants. Best accented with pizza stains and unwashed hair.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

To celebrate the fact that this differentiates from the other 364 days of the year even though you might give zero craps about the guy you're hooking up with, procure some special Sir Richard's condoms. Size Extra Large, which is a pretty nice subtle compliment for the dude you're casually banging without being all "official" about it. It's called motherfucking romance, y'alls.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent
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Don't just get drunk on Yellowtail sauv blanc like you would on any other day! Indulge in the horrific gastronomical misfire that is Pharell Williams' Qream, a majestic "liqueur for women," which Williams has described as "a truly elegant experience for the modern day queen and her court of friends." Find out for yourself. Qourself.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent
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These are fancy Karuna face masks that Gwyneth Paltrow apparently likes a lot that are actually sheets of creepy face-shape cloth drenched in serum. You're gonna look like Jim Carey in that scene from The Cable Guy when they're at Medieval Times and he imitates Hannibal Lecter with the bacon strips on his face. But they are actually really soothing and great. +1,000 points if you answer the delivery guy at the door while wearing it for a S-E-X-X-X-Y surprise.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent
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A perfect day for an unnecessary impulse purchase with that extra $175 you have lying around, and by "lying around" I mean you overdraw but you'll deal with it tomorrow. That's what I did when I bought this cute-ass purse on the Intarnetz.

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Zebra cakes. 'Nuff said.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent
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Please eschew the crappy rom-coms from 2004 playing back to back on TBS. Instead, starting the first season of a tense, gory procedural like Dexter is essential on Valentine's Day.

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Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

Stare at this picture of young, cute Jeff Goldblum.

Illustration for article titled Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent
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Now this one.

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As long as you gather these essentials, you'll be fine. Godspeed.

DISCUSSION

heart-of-pyrite
heart_of_pyrite

(Romance rant. Wound up way longer than intended.)

This Valentine's Day has got me really frustrated and I'm mad at myself for it. I haven't bought into the whole notion of dropping all my babysitting money on a boyfriend for V-Day since high school, but I still always do a little something special for it, you know? Whether I'm in a relationship or not. If I'm with someone, I come up with some small gift and expect an evening out or a nice meal at home or something. If I'm single, I go out with friends or take a bubble bath or some shit. Whatever. Rewind to last year—-first V-Day with my current boyfriend. We're six months into a relationship, and I made it a point (perhaps stupidly) to not even say a word about V-Day. My reasoning was that he isn't a particularly spontaneous about romantic gestures, and since Valentine's Day is a known holiday wherein people do romantic stuff for each other, it would give him a chance to shine, to show me what he could come up without me suggesting it first. I mean, if you're not the kind of guy who plans or suggests some kind of date on some random Tuesday for no reason, Valentine's Day kind of gives you that extra nudge, right? Like, whoa, *facepalm*, Valentine's Day is coming up. What should I do for my Female?

WRONG. I bought him two used books, made him some FireBall bourbon balls, and drew up a cute little card, and left it all on his counter before leaving for a breakfast shift. Middle of my shift, I get a text from him: "Thank you for the gifts! Um, I didn't get you anything...:(". Okay, I thought to myself. Maybe since I didn't mention Valentine's Day at all, he thought I was one of those people who absolutely detested it. But now he knows I celebrate it in a small way, and so he'll probably think up something between now and when he gets off work. A place to go to dinner maybe. Or maybe he'll invite me over for dinner at the very least. Or just go out for a goddamn cupcake or something. NOPE. Didn't hear from him for the rest of the day.

A couple things have happened since then. For one, I eventually told him how hurtful that was to me, that he didn't even reciprocate with something small. Two, he found out he has Aspergers. So now we have good ol' "trouble with social cues" to explain why he didn't do anything unasked (because I hadn't asked him to) or reciprocate my gestures (because he didn't realize I wanted him to). Okay then, easy as pie. Fast forward to our looming one year anniversary, and I knew better than to make the same mistake again. I pointed out the date and asked him to please plan something nice for us. I think the pressure killed him. He had no idea what I wanted, and he just kind of stalled and procrastinated and baited me to suggest things. He just couldn't understand that it didn't matter what we did, so long as he put the effort into coming up with something. Total flop. We ended up just going for a quick dinner to the place I had vaguely mentioned in passing, with him shrugging like "what now?" once we'd paid our bill.

Bless him but he does try.

So I mention Valentine's Day this year, and we have some cool plans (aquarium plus dinner at a place that has some sentimental value to us), but I just can't shake the feeling of . . . I don't know what. Resentment? Disappointment? He doesn't care for Valentine's Day, I get it. I don't even care much about it myself. And I'm not mad at him. I just see the irreverent photos from like-minded people ("Frozen pizza and Walking Dead with my sweetheart. Yay Valentine's Day!") and feel like I'll never enjoy frozen pizza and Walking Dead on Valentine's Day unless I make it happen and he follows along. Much less a surprise weekend getaway or tickets to a show any other day of the year.

Ugh, I've chosen my choices and I love him. And I wasn't expecting to feel so weird about this. It's just a stupid holiday, and I'm all torn up about it, and now I'm just pissed at myself.

TL;DR: My boyfriend isn't the romantic type and Valentine's Day is dumb, but I still like it a little bit and that leaves me feeling disappointed and loathsome of my own pettiness. Ah, love!