Vagina Monoblogs Primer: Last Season In Planet Virgin

Illustration for article titled Vagina Monoblogs Primer: Last Season In Planet Virgin

Wherein we recap the goings-on in the lives of the nation's various confessional ladybloggers and their experiences with love, sex, dating, this case, uh, celibacy.


Oh, Sarah DiMuro, you are a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a really bad episode of Saved By The Bell. The life of Sarah DiMuro will appeal to that under-served readership that is good at high-pressure sales and likes to perform stand-up comedy before hundreds of jeering New Yorkers but understandably has never found the cojones necessary to tolerate a little bout of finger-banging. Which is to say, the appeal lies more in the sociological sense, with the Virgin of Virgin Chronicles resembling, in New York, something like a less-introspective Alf, or a blogging Mr. Ed, in that there are things that happen to her that sooooooooo much funnier because she really can't possibly be a member of the human race:

Or you meet a guy and he seems cool until he starts making everything dirty. Like, you say you wanna get something to eat and he says, "Yeah baby, let's eat, let's eat right now," in a really creepy, phone sex tone. Or you wanna go for a run "Yeah let's go for a run, let's run hard baby."


Tall Guy sat down he started in with the questions. "Ever been date raped? When you are masturbating do you think about men or women? Are you just some sort of narcissistic bitch doing this to get off?" He then told me he had been date raped at a young age. To which I said, "are you serious?" and he said, "of course." A bit later he revealed he wasn't really date raped but knowing I am a comedienne he thought I would toss back jokes about date rape.

WHAT YOU MISSED LAST SEASON: Just about 67 dates, at such venues as Applebees and Disney World, with mostly twentysomething men to which Sarah gives such endearing nicknames as "Tall Cutie," "Cornell Cutie," "Cutie Pie," and "Cute Guy." Sarah invariably is attracted to men she describes as "cute."

SHE GOT TO FIRST AND A HALF BASE: By February, Penn Pete has engaged our heroine in a margarita-addled makeout session that culminates in Sarah passing out and losing what she terms her "chicken cutlet" - a Victoria's Secret falsie. Penn Pete mentions that he hasn't been on a date "in months" and does not call our heroine again, probably because he is busy masturbating, but it's a shame because Penn Pete seems to elicit a girlishness from Sarah that she otherwise kind of lacks. He is also Asian, but Sarah, as usual, does not draw any conclusions from the encounter, or from any of her encounters...

WHICH COULD BE BECAUSE SHE SEEMS TO BLACK OUT. A LOT: Sarah's drinking habits sort of remind us of those of a college-aged Jenna Bush, in that they would be perfectly appropriate in someone with about 100 more pounds of body mass, but Sarah, who has a physique akin to that of Sheryl Crow, is constantly doing things like "inadvertently" losing weight (another thing to which you readers can relate!) so her eyes tend to be bigger than her stomach.


THE CENTRAL CONFLICT: Sarah uses the word "spark" approximately a jillion times in her blog and "chemistry" approximately a gazillion, not only because her writing is inveterately awful but because she is obsessively searching for "spark" or "chemistry" without actually, we think, giving her encounters the proper marinating period. (This is perhaps because she is covertly trying to learn from the blog of Alysslut Shelasky, who likes to credit "chemistry" for some of her sluttier decisions, like the time she spied a hot stranger across a room and decided to visit him in Brussels). But Sarah's problem is that she seems profoundly distracted by all the free shit she's getting for going on dates. As with a second grader during the holidays, the Wii under the tree can obscure or distract from her parents' affections, or lack thereof. And so while she's thinking of every date as a win-win situation - since either way, he always pays! - dudes everywhere are spreading the word that she's fucking autistic...have you heard the way she talks about the movie Bottle Rocket?

ADVICE TO DUDES TRYING TO NAIL SARAH: Don't pay for anything. Do switch her DVD of Bottle Rocket for a DVD of Stella Shorts; Sarah is too in touch with her inner seven year old schoolmarm and not enough with her inner nine-year-old boy. Do buy a six-pack. Don't buy margaritas.

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