'US Weekly's' Ken Baker Was A Nice Guy, Back When He Still Lactated

Illustration for article titled US Weeklys Ken Baker Was A Nice Guy, Back When He Still Lactated

Yesterday's post on Us Weekly West Coast executive editor Ken Baker, the worst boss in America, drew many comments and a few phone calls from former co-workers. Once upon a time, you see, Ken was a nice, friendly, idealistic Columbia J-school grad with the highest of ethical standards. The only problem was that his nipples leaked breast milk, and also he was impotent and did not desire sex, even with Drew Barrymore, whom he found himself powerless to hit on. Then sometime in the late nineties, he fell in love with a ballerina who did not care that he couldn't get it up, and a co-worker at People directed him to doctor to the stars, Joshua Trabulus, who gave him a magical serum called "testosterone." And that is when the fun began.

  • Ken's path to crappitude began, as so many of them do, with the authorship of a masturbatory memoir (mammoir?) about his travails with being born kind of not totally a man.
  • Matt Damon would play him in the movie, natch.
  • He and the wife had an infant, which required a nanny.
  • He realized he wanted the nanny to make him an infant of their own.
  • And texted her to say he wanted to see her "pregnant with pigtails."
  • He then began texting Paris Hilton on her famous Sidekick, and she became a loyal source.
  • Possibly of blowjobs?
  • He determined the Paris Hilton sex tape Jill had come into possession of was too vulgar for the magazine to cover.
  • "But why don't you deliver it to the office anyway?"
  • Upon watching the film, he deemed it worthy of his publication, though he did not deem Jill worthy of crediting with the scoop, or really anything else she came up with.
  • And when she got promoted anyway, Baker responded by promoting his name to a place on the masthead just south of Janice Min's. And hiring his beloved wet nurse — er, nanny — to work as a reporter in his office, at which point his advances began to piss off the paparazzi photographers she was dating.
  • So he directed his staff to start sleeping with paparazzi to make up for it.
  • Pretty soon everyone in Los Angeles was swapping bodily fluids and Us Weekly passwords. Some reporters decided it was time to leave.
  • This displeased Baker, who decided the departure of a reporter for OK! was a matter for the FBI.
  • Then it was time to write another book.
  • For which he would, naturally, have to throw a party, at hateful Beverly Hills celebquarters Kitson, paid for with $70,000 in free advertising space in US Weekly.
  • Then Jill herself left, further inciting Baker's wrath. "I will destroy you," he promised.
  • And commenced a year-long sting operation aimed at trapping the reporter into stealing company secrets.
  • That culminated in a violent FBI raid on her house.
  • And yes, that would be the same FBI that still can't tell us where the anthrax came from.

Last we heard from Ken he was talking to NPR about how great he was and how the mainstream media could stand to learn a thing or two from him and the ways of US Weekly, like maybe what it would be like if the love child of Richard Nixon and Ted Bundy worked at a celebrity tabloid.

*Yes, all this is based on the allegations of Jill Ishkanian, who is now suing Us for $55 million, and there are two sides to every story, and yeah we realize that if any of them are true we are virtually inviting the FBI to raid our house. We're hiding our stash now.

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"As a result, for over a decade Baker suffered symptoms which made him totally adjust his life and question his self confidence. He had almost a total lack of interest in sex despite his attraction to women. He was impotent."

Had he never heard of doctors? What a stupid man.