Unspoken Rules For Women In The United States

Illustration for article titled Unspoken Rules For Women In The United States

Today, after reading the news that the House passed a bill that would allow hospitals to let women to die rather than perform a life-saving abortion, commenter mcstabbypants came up with an idea, "Rules For Women In The United States." Here they are. Pass 'em on.


All of this stuff I've been reading on Jezebel lately makes me think that girls should be given this pamphlet at birth, entitled "Rules for Women in the United States."

"Welcome to the USA, little girl! We are so glad you have arrived. Here is a list of rules to live by, just to get you started:

1. Technically, you may wear whatever you choose, but we strongly suggest (mostly through market saturation) that you wear clothes that are: pink, ruffled, cheaply made, and promote messages such as "Princess Diva," "Math is Hard!" or "I'm Too Pretty to Work." Once you reach the age of 8, you will be expected to sex it up, with the peek-a-boo clothing, heels, and miniskirts that are widely available in your demographic. Make-up by the age of 13 is a requirement. Remember this at Halloween: sexy nurse, sexy kitten, sexy taxidermist. If it has ‘sexy' in the title, it's the right kind of costume.

2. Your weight is not your own business – it is everyone's business. You will be expected to conform to whatever standards society sets for you to look presentable and datable at any age. Deviations from this range, whether too skinny or too fat, will be subject to societal repercussions and punishments. Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! And also, just eat a sandwich already if we can't see any boobs or hips. You need to look GOOD.

3. It is your responsibility to deter men from violating you in any fashion. Therefore, although you are required to look GOOD, you are also required to not look so good as to attract too much attention to yourself. Society, while recognizing the inherent hypocrisy in this double standard, is in no way responsible for fixing it. It is up to you to not wear, say, or do anything that would get you into trouble. There is a fine line between sexy and SEXY and you need to stay on the sexy side. You'll need to figure out the difference for yourselves, though.


4. Should you need health care, America is here for you, so long as your requirements mostly adhere to health problems that are also covered for men, such as: common cold or flu, high-blood pressure or cholesterol, rotator cuff injuries, erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer. Breast exams are also covered (gotta keep them looking good as well). For reproductive issues such as birth control or abortions: move to Canada. Remember, it is your responsibility to deter men from violating you in any fashion, and that includes getting you pregnant. Incest, rape, or life-threatening illness due to pregnancy does not count, even if you are married. You might be gestating the next President,* after all! (*currently only applies if fetus is male)

5. You can be anything you want to be. In order to do this, you will need to work twice as hard in school, attend the best colleges and universities, spend long hours away from your children, should you choose to have them as well as a career, and do the same job for less than the men in your field. (We said you could be anything you want to be, we didn't say you would get fairly compensated for it.)


We hope this pamphlet helps! Good luck out there."

And then I think of my 5 year old daughter and I want to cry. And fight like hell for her.



This pamphlet pretty much sums up my reasons for applying to law school. Because I am MAD AS FUCK about the way women are treated in this country, and goddammit, I am NOT gonna sit back and take it anymore.