Unfortunately, Young Tom Steyer Could Get It

Look around the coffee shop, subway platform, holding cell, wherever you happen to be right this moment. See all those hot people you would probably bone? At their backs, time’s wingéd chariot is hurrying near, and someday very soon, they will be old people.

This truth seems lost on a great many people, judging by the fact that social media is filled with sepia-toned early to mid-twentieth century thirst traps alongside astounded captions that boil down to “Wait, so my grandpa was very fuckable, which is probably why my grandma fucked him?”

But I was raised by my grandmother, a town beauty of such magnitude that to this day people in my hometown talk about pictures of her taken in 1938, and thus I have become incredibly accurate at discerning which people were hot forty years ago. That is how, during Tuesday night’s debates, I was able to correctly assess that in 1979, Tom Steyer could have gotten it. At first, I was met with derision from my disbelieving colleagues until, just moments later, Esther Wang came back with an old photo, leading most of the Jezebel staff to reluctantly admit that, yes, we would all fuck fresh-faced, recent Yale graduate Tommy Steyer.

Even with full knowledge that Young Tom would most likely spend much too much time reminiscing about all the hijinks he and Phineas and Gene got up to at Exeter before Finny fell out of that tree or subtly bragging about how great a coxswain he was “back in Connecticut” before 10 minutes of inept foreplay followed by 20 minutes of pitifully enthusiastic, yet imprecise, sex. Here are all the reasons the Jezebel staff would probably fuck a young Tom Steyer for love or money.

Rich: Pass.

Julianne: Young Tom Steyer though. This happened during the debate.

Megan: I would anyone if I was paid. Can I see a photo?

Rich: It’s a yes from me.

Megan: Damn.

Kelly: Wow, unfortunately, I’m a yes on a Young Tom.

Megan: This is one I am truly conflicted over.

Shannon: I agree with Megan. It’s only a yes if there’s a money exchange.

Ashley: I’m not exactly a yes but I’m not an enthusiastic no either. I’m very indifferent. He looks like a nice boi.

Alexis: I would definitely do Steyer if he let me live at the Pescadero ranch, which is a form of payment I guess.

Ashley: He seems like a nice enough man.

So there you have it. A young Tom Steyer seems “nice enough,” has always been rich, and was a little bit fine. Is that enough?