True Blood Becomes A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, I liked this show! But lately, even though a lot happens in every episode, it feels sluggish, heavy, tedious and drawn-out.

SHOCKER: Sookie is a fairy. This fact was spoiled for me in the comments a long time ago, so I was waiting for it forever. How fucking lame.

I’ve never been sold on Sookie as a heroine, and since Bill tells her what she is — instead of her figuring it out herself —she continues to seem really dim and annoying. Her brother is also dim and annoying, but his cluelessness is sprinkled in as comic relief and levity most of the time, whereas Sookie dominates the plotlines and is way more earnest and straight-up simple instead of silly. It’s grating.

In any case, here are some things we learned last night:

• Fairy blood is delectable, which partially explains why everybody wants Sookie Stackhouse. But when Bill said, “It’s not your blood I love. I love you,” I said “barf” out loud.
• Eric also knows what Sookie is, btw. And since Sookie’s blood let Bill walk in the sun for a a few moments, we now know it’s powerful stuff.
• Eric is leaving all of his possessions to Pam, his progeny.

• Jessica’s fangs give Tommy a hard-on.
• Holly the new waitress is a wiccan, and might help Arlene get rid of her fetus (even though Terry is willing to raise a kid that’s not his).
• Jesus and Lafayette took V and went on a magical mystery tour, sort of like an amusement park ride of religious weirdness. It’s A Small World Of Witchcraft.
• Jason and Tara kissed, but then Tara decided she was “so totally fucked up.” Jason told Tara he’s the one who killed Eggs, and Tara went back to crying and lip trembling, which is all she ever does these days.
• Sam has a grifter backstory which involves Arielle Kebble, aka Lindsay from Gilmore Girls. She was also the snotty Cecilia in Aquamarine, and, since she’s been on Vampire Diaries and in Vampires Suck, is no stranger to vamp scripts.
• Crystal is a black panther, and not in the African-American way.
• Russell is completely unhinged; he killed a hooker who looked almost-sorta-kinda like Talbot. We miss Talbot, too, your majesty!

• Sookie and Eric made out, then he locked her and her false eyelashes in the basement.
• NO ALCIDE? NO LIKEY. The end.

Earlier: True Blood: How Long Does It Take To Find Out Who You Are?
True Blood: Your Source For Hot Gay Vampire Sex
True Blood: Girlfriend In A Coma
True Blood: Will You Be My Vampire Bride?
True Blood Heals Heartbreak With A Hot Hunk O’ Werewolf
True Blood: Vampire Sex Is Twisted
True Blood: Big Foot, Nazis, And Tender Moments
True Blood: “Conscience Off, Dick On”