Total Goober Takes $300 Bite Out of White Truffle By Mistake

In what has to be the most perfect “goddamit, Aunt Karen, again?!” move I’ve ever heard, an unnamed contender for World’s Biggest Goober accidentally took a big honkin’ bite out of a White Alba truffle because she thought it was a free sample. Seriously.

Equinox in Washington DC had the truffle in a glass case in order to promote their vegan brunch buffet. Customers could also buy shavings from the truffle for $20. Just as a reference point, White Alba truffles are ludicrously expensive: the largest truffle ever found, a 4.16 pounder, was recently discovered in Italy and has bids for $1 million on the table.

Unfortunately, the fact that it was in a damn glass case was apparently not enough of a clue for this particular embarrassment to her relatives, who decided to just chow down with a bite big enough to be valued at $300. Her post-bite reaction as the employees looked on in horror, via SFGate, is the best part of the whole story:

But the customer was not impressed with the special delicacy, telling co-owner Gray that she didn’t like the taste, and “suggested the chef salvage the unbitten part.”

It’s OK if you need to read that a few times to actually process what you’re seeing there; I had to. Fortunately for the unnamed Derplord, owners Ellen Kassoff Gray and Tod Gray decided not to charge her and just eat the cost themselves, which frankly is way nicer than I would’ve been.

We have reached Peak Dingus, America. I know we had a really good run and that we’ve placed more members in the Dingus Hall of Fame than any other nation, but I can’t see us ever topping this one.