Too Fat to Be in Your Friend's Wedding? Then Your Friend Is a Bitch.

Welcome to Friendzone, Jezebel’s column devoted to dealing with the valuable people in your life who you’re not humping. Got an issue and looking for guidance? Email [email protected]

I was married last year and had my close friend (of about 15ish years) in my bridal party. Now she’s engaged. I found out about her engagement through Facebook, and I found out that I wasn’t in her bridal party through an email. Now, normally not being in a bridal party would not unhinge me, but the email from my friend also included the reason why I wasn’t going to be standing with her as she married: I am too fat and too pale. Her specific quote: “I have friends that take pride in they’re (sic) appearance. Our wedding is beach-themed and I want all my girls to look fit and tan. The dresses I picked are strapless and only look good on thin girls.”

Here’s the conundrum: how do I decline her invitation? Yes, she actually invited me! Do I go to the wedding and then belly-flop into their cake during the first cut, nomming my fat face through the fondant and plastic bride and groom statues? We have mutual friends that I don’t think know about her email, and if I don’t come I’m going to look like a huge asshole.

Note: the following is a rage-filled diatribe. This column will return to its commitment to kind civility in the questions that follow. But holy shit, am I right, you guys? HOLY SHIT.

Ahem.

Usually in this column, I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt. Even when a friend has been a real jerk to the letter-writer, I think to myself, “Well, maybe the friend is a troubled person. Maybe the friend is suffering.” I don’t try to excuse the friend’s behavior, but I do try to understand it because, you know, compassion and all that jazz.

Not this fucking time.

Your friend is a loser. She is an awful, superficial, stupid person. Are we positive that she is not actually an alien robot creature bent on your extermination? I am sorry you had to be friends with this stinky piece of excrement for 15 years. I am sorry this death-eater was in your bridal party. I am sorry she may be blessed with daughters one day, daughters whom she will undoubtedly raise to hate themselves as much as I hate their mother right this moment.

I could say more terrible things about your friend, but I trust the commenters to help me out with that one. Except for the ones who may write things like, “I’m sorry, but like, I have the right to make sure my bridal party is pretty.” Because those people are terrible also, and should restrict their social media activities to their thinspiration Pinterest boards.

Don’t bother with a “no” response card. Simply send a link to this article to your “friend.” And if any of the other gals are curious as to why you won’t be at the wedding, send the link along to them, too. Then kick back with a glass of wine, a delicious cupcake and your sexy husband. Be glad you don’t have to waste one more ounce of your time on this sewage dump of a human. (Oh, and don’t forget to block her on Facebook. Cheers!)

Way back when I was 18, I fell for a guy at work. He was my first true crush and I was excited when he made it clear that my interest in him was mutual. Suddenly, my wild-child, hard-partying best friend declared that she also liked this guy and that if I had any respect for our friendship I would stop seeing him outside of work. Two weeks later she told me that she’d slept with him, that it was great, and that she “couldn’t wait” to do it again. Ultimately, we fell out over it. A few months ago, we became friends again via Facebook. Turns out she hasn’t changed one bit. In fact, age has only made her more boy-crazy and desperate. She emails or texts me at least five times a week, begging me to hang out with her. I do so out of guilt (she seems so lonely) and then I have to listen to her brag or sob (or both!) over tons of men. We do share some great memories and I’d be happy to see this girl once in awhile, but I just can’t stand seeing her every week. How do I tell her?

Putting aside what happened when you were younger, I feel kind of bad for this gal. She does sound lonely, and unhappy, and desperate. She’s lucky to have found someone willing to spend time with her. However, she’s clearly working your last nerve and may need to find a new buddy if she doesn’t shape up.

After all, your job isn’t to take care of all the little lost bunny rabbits in the world, no matter how sweetly pathetic they may be. I believe your primary job is to take care of yourself and to put energy into good work, good love, and good friendships. Then you’ll be a happy, productive citizen and the world will continue to turn on its axis and we’ll all get to marry David Tennant, the end.

You may wish to say to this chick, “You’ve been telling me so much about your man drama that I barely get to hear about you. I’d really like to hear about what else is going on in your life! You were always so good at art/dancing/baking/writing/scrimshaw…do you still do that?” It may help to focus your hangout time on an activity, like a monkey-training class or a day at the Renaissance Fair or a BBC America marathon or something. If she goes back to babbling about men, well, you tried. You have my permission to usually (or always) be “busy” when she wants to hang out.

My ex-boyfriend is not exactly beloved by my roommates. He was a real jerk to me for awhile, and made me cry more times than I can count. A couple years have passed, and things between us are much better. We’ve begun hooking up again, and it’s exactly what I need right now. The problem is that my friends refuse to let him stay over our house. They won’t even let me bring him in the house. Yet they insist on bringing over another friend who used to be really nasty to me. It seems unfair. What do I do?

Let’s deal with the boyfriend issue and the former friend issue separately. Based on your pals’ reactions, I have a feeling that even if this former friend was a real jerk to you, she didn’t cause you the same torment that this fella did. Then again, maybe she is actually a malevolent lifeform who seeks to chase you through time and space in order to exterminate you! (But I’m guessing not.)

First, the dude issue. As you know, your friends are trying to protect you. I advise you to sit them down and have a frank talk with them about how you feel and what you “need right now,” as you put it. Speak to them from a place of gratitude for their protective instinct. Don’t try to convince them that he’s a real prize of a guy now, but do present some reasons why his presence in your life is helpful at this time. Remember, if he fucks up, they’re going to have to clean up the mess…again. If they don’t relent, I suggest you stay at his house or get a cheap motel room.

On to the next issue. Is the ex-friend’s presence actually damaging to you, or just annoying? If it’s the latter, you may as well put up with it. If it’s the former, tell your roommates that the girl is no longer welcome in your home. Be very clear as to why you cannot stand her being in your house. They ought to comply with your wishes. If they don’t, it’s time to consider getting new roommates once your lease is up. Perhaps it’d be better for you to live with folks who aren’t as invested in your personal choices. You’re a grown-up, after all.