Toddlers & Tiaras: Getting "Smize" Completely Wrong

On last night’s episode, one pageant grandma spent a considerable amount of time training her 7-year-old granddaughter to avoid squniting when she smiled. Tyra Banks would be severely disappointed that her tutelage was not heeded.

Victoria Gaddy (whose name is scarily similar to Victoria Gotti’s) is 7, and being raised by her grandma. She, along with the other children featured on the episode, was competing in the Southern Majestic Princess Pageant.

Ariana, 4, is also being raised by her grandma, Pam, who describes herself as a “huntress.” Pam has passed on her love of hunting to Ariana, who—when speaking passionately about dismembering deer—sounds like she could grow up to be a serial killer.

Like Pam, I worry about Ariana’s freelancing. How is she going to get health care coverage that way!?

Yaya is Ariana’s great grandma. She has a seemingly unlimited supply of crazy hats, says stuff like, “Fire me up a cigarette,” and feeds her great granddaughter coffee. She is awesome.

She also has a tit tat of what looks like some kind of four-wheel-drive automotive vehicle.

Sabastian Ready is Ariana’s one-man glam squad. He’s been in the pageant circuit for over 20 years and owns a pageant store and a bible store.

Sabastian is also a total shit-stirrer (no anal jokes intended), because he got Pam and Yaya all worked up over a pageant conspiracy. Although, something tells me he’s not just paranoid, but perhaps a little bit right. Ariana won for her age division, meaning that she wasn’t eligible for one of the supreme titles (the money titles). Pam was all pissed off that she had paid the $400 entrance fee, and went away empty handed. However, the grand prize was only $750, and Pam had admitted that she had invested about $3000 in this pageant. But Pam will continue to keep Ariana in pageants, because she likes seeing her granddaughter up on that stage.

Chelsea, 11, shaves her legs and has a boyfriend named Jason, who attended the pageant. She promised if she won the grand supreme title (top prize) she would give the crown to him. And she did. Jason’s response to the gesture indicated that he doesn’t yet understand women.

If a child is young enough that diapers are a necessity, than her “Outfit of Choice” is just as involuntary as her bowel movements and pee.