Every Wednesday we play Midweek Madness, the "find the dirt" game with the weekly tabloids. This week, each cover has a different celebrity as the main image! Britney's still pregnant, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is missing, Scarlett Johansson 's nose looks different, Jennifer Aniston's going to ruin Christmas and Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are in love! How does the celeb gossip grow in these dirt-filled rags? We weight in on Us, In Touch, OK!, Life & Style and Star, after the jump.

"A-List Nip/Tuck" This is the story that Scarlett Johansson is pissed about: The mag says her nose was "more bulbous" as a teen; Scar Jo's rep says "she has never had a nose job โ€” ever." Also on the list: Janet Jackson (duh), Teri Hatcher (Botox, maybe eyelid surgery), Marie Osmond (nose job, face lift), Fergie (nose job), Cameron Diaz (nose job), Angelina Jolie (nose job), Meg Ryan (maybe eyelids, maybe cheek implants), Halle Berry (nose job), Lisa Rinna (nose job), Jennifer Aniston (nose job) and Paula Abdul (nose job), as well as the gang of trout-pout ladies, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Lindsay Lohan. The Britney Spears story is all about supercreep Sam Lutfi, who "orchestrates everything" for Brit, has a restraining order against him from a former "business acquaintance," has fake producer credits on IMBD.com, and whom actual producers describe as "a hustler type." But Britney is "so desperate for a friend" that she trusts him, a source says. And just after she blew out the candles of her chocolate birthday cake on Saturday night, she went to the bathroom and cried her eyes out. Also inside: Jennifer Love Hewitt is pysched to be engaged! "I've read the bridal magazines every single month since I was 14." Try not to vomit. John Mayer and Cammie Diaz had a date last week at Gold Bar in NYC where they kissed and danced to Jay-Z. Lindsay Lohan broke up with Riley Giles because "she gets bored," a friend explains. Tom Cruise took "Kate" and Suri on a trip to the alps, where they rode a snowmobile and ate risotto; they're thinking of buying a chalet. Spencer Pratt's sister Stephanie tells the mag that she started doing drugs at 15 and was so high in history class she asked a girl to feel her heart, since it was beating so fast she thought she was going to die.
Grade: C+ (clay)

Life & Style
"Where's Shiloh?" Apparently shots rang out near the Los Feliz home of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the security guy's van was hit by a bullet! "I'm doing fine but I don't want to talk about this," he says. Apparently Angelina, Brad and the brood have security issues. Angie considers leaving the house a danger. Please note that heir head of security makes $5,000 a day โ€” and the new guy makes $3,000 a day. Still, no one answers the question "where's Shiloh?" Since she "hasn't been photographed" since October, we're forced to assume she has ceased to exist. Also inside: "Britney's Pregancy Drama!" Brit's not acting pregnant, since she's been seen drinking and smoking. Also, there are reports that the babydaddy is not J.R. Rotem but a "dancer named Chuck." Jessica Simpson went dancing with Tony Romo and she "grabbed Tony's butt and started spanking it to the rhythm of the music." Brendan Fraser's new toupee looks great, "if it's 1993," says Intern Sharon; Britney is banned from L.A. club Winston's for swapping clothes with the employees one too many times; Paris Hilton and Swedish boy Alex Vaggo went on four dates in six nights; Lindsay Lohan's been going out lately but her dad Michael tells the mag, "She knows she can't have friends who drink." "Body Blunders" is one of those bile-inducing stories in which the mag prints pics of Cindy Crawford's stomach and says it is "sagging." Homegirl had two kids! L&S also says Tara Reid is too skinny, Uma Thurman's eyes are uneven and Kate Moss is now "thick."
Grade: C (topsoil)


"Finally True Love" The cover goes to Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, whom absolutely no one cares about. And yet! Six pages of text and photos โ€” including a prom-esque shot of the couple in front of a Christmas tree. Feel free to hurl! Also inside: Miley Cyrus' dad Billy Ray will hide in the kitchen with the German shepherd when she has boys over; the mag describes Britney's extensions as "buttery blonde," which is an insult to butter. Also, today is the day Britney is supposedly going for $81,000 worth of cosmetic procedures: hips, thighs, change of implants, tummy tuck and nose work. This means she'll be on pain meds! And she might not be able to interact with the kids while she's recovering. Maddox Jolie-Pitt wrote a letter to Santa, asking for toys for his siblings, but not for himself, because he "has everything he could ever ask for," says a source. Awwwww.
Grade: D- (rock)


In Touch
"Britney's Pregnancy: The Proof!" The mag prints pictures of the alleged text messages from J.R. Rotem confirming Brit's pregnancy. Apparently J.R. has a girlfriend, and Brit was mad he wouldn't break up with her. The mag claims the she threatened to get rid of the baby and in the end he told her to "stay away" from him. Also inside: The Spice Girls are at war! During rehearsals, they have to stop singing so Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell can take a break and meditate. Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham is being a diva by showing up late. Posh was overheard saying "Geri is lucky we let her back in." Although Angelina wants her children to know their heritage and culture, they won't be visiting their biological families. Lindsay Lohan wanted to get Stavros Niarchos back after she heard he was with Mary-Kate Olsen? Devious! Lauren Conrad's friends confronted her about how thin she was by buying her a plate of pasta. Subtle! Nicole Richie's (unnamed) birth mother was at her baby shower โ€” creating an awkward moment when Nic gave a speech about how she wants to be a good mom.
Grade: D- (sand)

"Showdown! Jen's Christmas With The Pitts" Jen Aniston is good friends with Jane Pitt and she was invited to Christmas in Springfield, MO. Apparently Angie is pissed! Also inside: Audrina has been bad mouthing Lauren Conrad. She says LC is "crazy, insecure, jealous, totally fake," according to an insider. Joel Madden will get his baby's name tattooed over his heart, and the baby's name will either be: Ryan, Lennon, Casey, or Dylan. Which one of those is not a dead rock star? Katie Holmes is still in contact with Chris Klein, and she'd never let Tom tell her not to be, says a source. Possibly because Chris is Suri's real daddy? Just asking! No one's favorite couple, Nick and Vanessa, are getting married in Las Vegas. "It's definitely going to be wild, but it won't be trashy," says a friend. Apparently there will not be cameras, thank Zeus. Hulk Hogan's marriage is a sham: It had been over for at least 12 months. The "peroxide pair" were both big on alcohol, but Linda's the one who mixes booze with pills. She often put vodka in her milk or orange juice as early as 10 a.m. Also, Linda is mean to daughter Brooke, once telling her to "grow a brain," prompting Hulk to come to Brooke's defense (which made Linda call Hulk a "wuss.") "Lindsay Begs For Drugs" is a story which claims that as soon as Lohan landed in NYC, she called up her friends looking for Xanax and blow. Her friends said no, boo, but then she met up with a dealer named Chris. The next day she and Riley went to a party on Long Island where she "reeked of booze" and was "wasted" on vodka. Peeps at the party say "she looked high as hell." Riley apparently met some girl at the party, took her outside and had sex with her. Then Riley and LL had a screeching fight that silenced the party. Also? Sources tell the mag that back in October, LL and Riley were found passed out in a room at Shutters Hotel in Santa Monica. And, OMG, one of them left a bloody syringe on the room service tray and now they're banned from that hotel. Jeezus. Oh, and someone claiming to be Britney posted on her private MySpace page that she'd lost the baby. Sigh.
Grade: B- (mulch)