Every Wednesday we play Midweek Madness, the game where we try and squeeze delicious details out of freshly-picked tabloids. Today, Britney wins 3 of 5 covers because of her crazy house, her new man, and her possible pregnancy! (Think the new man is the father? Think again!) After the jump, Intern Sharon helps us wring the rags — Star, OK!, In Touch, Us and Life & Style — in search of juicy gossip.

"Brit's Crazy House!" features a double-locked "fantasy room" done up in pink and black, says a source who stumbled upon it while looking for the bathroom. The bed has black satin sheets and there are sex toys "from ticklers, whips and chains to fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe." The ceiling is mirrored, there's a jar of paddles by the bed and the closet has Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella dress. Plus, Brit has white couches and carpeting, but changes the boys' diapers on them and doesn't protect anything from stains. The dog just makes things worse, and a court-appointed watchdog may declare the place a health hazard. Also, Brit is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe and wants her nose to look like the movie legend's. Oh, and Brit might be pregnant. In other news: Zach Braff and Shiri Appleby broke up because he's a commitment-phobe; Matt Lauer's marriage is falling apart and his wife is "skeletal" after losing 40 lbs.; Drew Barrymore has been seen drinking and smoking pot, despite the fact that she's a recovering addict who went to rehab twice before she turned 14; "all systems are go" for Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo; Paul McCartney is dating Rosanna Arquette; Lindsay Lohan is telling little sister Ali "don't end up like me!"; Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon may have had sex in the loo on first class on a flight from Frankfurt, Germany to L.A.: An eyewitness says "I started timing them! They were together in there for 11 minutes!"
Grade: B+ (orange juice from concentrate)

In Touch
"Yes She's Pregnant!" The mag claims Britney is with child and the father is producer J.R. Rotem (the man who told Blender he "fucked her wheelbarrow style.") A source says Rotem loves Brit and wants to marry her. Apparently Britney thinks having a child will turn her life around (?!), and she really wants a girl. "She won't be happy unless it's a girl," says an insider. Seriously? Our brains are exploding. Also inside: Will Zahara ever meet her birth mother? Maybe! The mag speculates that since Angelina took Maddox to Cambodia, she may someday take Z to Ethiopia — if Z wants to go. Christina Aguilera isn't wearing underwear while she's pregs; Elisabeth Hasslebeck wants her own show; Lindsay Lohan is now addicted to getting plastic surgery (she had doctor come to her house to inject her lips, and she wants lipo on her thighs and Botox on her forehead).
Grade: C+ (grape juice)


Life & Style
"Trying For Another BABY" And guess how Angelina and Brad are "trying" to make that baby happen? The couple spent an hour in a London sex shop buying bondage wrist and ankle cuffs, cupless bras, embroidered blindfolds and studded collars. "Brad has had a huge smile on his face lately," says a source. Also inside; Kevin Federline's credit card was declined at an electronics store! Quit having fantasy sex and put some money in his account, Britney! Hey, did you know that the state of California uses software to decide child support — the program is called DissoMaster! Also: Is Madonna having a mid-life crisis? She wants to be called Louise now, and spends $1,200 an hour on makeup application to make her look younger. Plus, she wears barrettes and track suits like daughter Lourdes, who complains about it! Oh, and 1-800-Muffins.com has muffins inspired by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears — Paris' is frosted strawberry cheesecake and Brit's? Raisins, rum and nuts. Get it? Nuts.
Grade: B- (apple juice)


"Britney's Secret New Man" Guess what? It's not the waiter she was reportedly dating last week or J.R. Rotem, it's John Coulter, the model from the inside cover of Brit's CD Blackout. Apparently, the racy photos of John dressed as a priest and Brit sitting in his lap for confession were Britney's idea. During the shoot, she breathed hard in his ear to make him blush, and whispered questions like "what's your favorite sexual position?" After the shoot, Brit had her assistant ask for John's number and save it in her phone under "sexy priest." She invited him to the Four Seasons, but John declined. Smart move. Also inside: The top 10 orange celebrities include Zac Efron, Keith Urban, Rachel Ray and Jessica Simpson. Fake tans are cool! Plus: Heidi Montag wants $15,000 to show up at events, yawn.
Grade: D- (prune juice)

"Tortured By Regret" Jessica Simpson was "mopey" on Thanksgiving day, until she went to a football game to cheer her "new man" Tony Romo. She's been sad lately because "She thought she'd start dating hot celebrities and be this A-list actress, but that didn't pan out," says a source. Also inside: Britney had a bizarre shopping trip at the Hustler store in L.A.: she wanted to try on underwear with the words "Barely Legal" across the butt, except you're not allowed to try on underwear, so the employees wouldn't let her take 'em in the fitting room. So she stripped off her thong and "slipped into the panties in the middle of the store with 15 other customers looking on." When a clerk said "don't change out here," an eyewitness said, "She was just like, 'Well, I couldn't take them into the fitting room!'" Brit then tried to leave without paying, was stopped by employees, rolled her eyes and offered up a credit card. And then, on her way out, "she went up to mannequin, snatched the wig off its head and stole it." Intern Sharon says, "I wish I could have been there." Plus: Keri Russell was in labor for 38 hours with son River — but Whale Rider's Keisha Castle-Hughes was in labor for 72 hours and Gwyneth Paltrow had 70 hours of labor!
Grade: B (grapefuit juice)