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Today God's Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

Illustration for article titled Today Gods Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses committed by animals are considered especially heinous. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory told the Associated Press earlier today (or yesterday or maybe even tomorrow, because Australia is a day behind or forward, we can never remember which) when they discovered the body of a woman who had apparently been suffocated by a young camel she was keeping as a pet. In fact, the "guilty" plea entered by dog-abusing Atlantic Falcons quarterback Michael Vick today seems to have touched off a worldwide animal revenge spree, for today, no human was safe! First, there was the news that men who hunt deer are at higher risk for heart attack. (Karma's a bitch!)


Then, in Serbia, a bear killed a drunk man, after apparently removing his clothes. Over in Finland, another bear bit hard into a man who was trying to shoot it. A Florida college student was bit by a shark; a rabid bat being treated an animal hospital in England flew into a rage, biting two men; and in South Africa, a bull elephant attempted to gore a conservationist. Watch out for your cats and toy dogs tonight, ladies. You never know when they may turn on you!

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Trixie from Toronto

Now there's what's wrong with the English, no offence to our Brit commenters here. What are they doing "treating" a rabid bat? How about KILLING the rabid bat? I love the Brits, but sometimes their love of animals is taken to bizarre extremes. Even the bat was probably trying to say: "Just kill me! Please! My head is killing me and I am choking on my own foamy saliva!"

Raccoons: Don't get me started. One is trying to move in with me. He thinks I'm his mother. Or maybe he wants to rape and suffocate me, like the camel.

And a squirrel recently ran up my leg, thinking it was a tree branch or something, I don't know, in pursuit of another squirrel.

Good God it's true — the animals are getting restless!