Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes

Today God's Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

Illustration for article titled Today Gods Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses committed by animals are considered especially heinous. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory told the Associated Press earlier today (or yesterday or maybe even tomorrow, because Australia is a day behind or forward, we can never remember which) when they discovered the body of a woman who had apparently been suffocated by a young camel she was keeping as a pet. In fact, the "guilty" plea entered by dog-abusing Atlantic Falcons quarterback Michael Vick today seems to have touched off a worldwide animal revenge spree, for today, no human was safe! First, there was the news that men who hunt deer are at higher risk for heart attack. (Karma's a bitch!)

Advertisement

Then, in Serbia, a bear killed a drunk man, after apparently removing his clothes. Over in Finland, another bear bit hard into a man who was trying to shoot it. A Florida college student was bit by a shark; a rabid bat being treated an animal hospital in England flew into a rage, biting two men; and in South Africa, a bull elephant attempted to gore a conservationist. Watch out for your cats and toy dogs tonight, ladies. You never know when they may turn on you!

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

TrixiefromToronto
Trixie from Toronto

Now there's what's wrong with the English, no offence to our Brit commenters here. What are they doing "treating" a rabid bat? How about KILLING the rabid bat? I love the Brits, but sometimes their love of animals is taken to bizarre extremes. Even the bat was probably trying to say: "Just kill me! Please! My head is killing me and I am choking on my own foamy saliva!"

Raccoons: Don't get me started. One is trying to move in with me. He thinks I'm his mother. Or maybe he wants to rape and suffocate me, like the camel.

And a squirrel recently ran up my leg, thinking it was a tree branch or something, I don't know, in pursuit of another squirrel.

Good God it's true — the animals are getting restless!