So you're a witch in 2014 and looking for love. It's a tale as old as time. Witches don't have it easy when it comes to the thrashing, genitalia-ragged dating pool. And don't get it twisted: I'm not talking about hip, harvest women like the witches of Bushwick or the menstrual ceremony partiers of Beachwood Canyon—I'm talking straight up green-skinned, mole'd as fuck, broom-riding while blasting "9 to 5", cartoon-ass witches just trying to get by in the digital age of boning.
With these helpful pointers, you'll wade through the swipes with the confidence of Elvira's cleavage:
Conjure a Spell of Humors
The old clichés of Halloween witches still run rampant. A lot of potential dates will assume you're a sullen, angry, man-hating goblin-girl. But that's not true anymore! You're just a regular girlwitch trying to make it to the newt shop before Pop Physique. Show them that times have surely changed by including a fun joke in your bio. Here's a freebie, guaranteed to communicate that you might be a Glinda in the streets, but an Almira Gulch in the sheets!
"Why did the Wicked Witch of the West's husband leave her?
Because she couldn't get wet!"
Beware the Feline-Friendly Fornicator
A guy with a cat! What's not to love? Well, for the modern witch, this will undoubtedly present a problem. Men who hold substantial relationships with their feline companions will, without fail, eventually project these feelings to your cat companion, or worse, to you, when in your werecat form. Knowing you have the ability to shape-shift into a slinking, sexy cat, these men will soon ask to make love while you remain in your transformed state. It does not matter how tame the cat-loving man, they will be driven mad by the curiosity of cat-sex. They'll claim it's different from bestiality, and you may ward them off for a bit but, it's just—look they're gonna try to fuck a cat. And that's no good.
You've got the Look, Now Vary It
Take it from me, a talking cat who lives with 3 witches: damn girl, you look ghoulishly great already. You do! But you're looking to stand a heel above the rest of the coven, so maybe try switching it up with some modern takes on your classic outfit. Your pointed hat is pristine, but you know what's super hot these days? Beanies! Try a classic all black knit cap or add some modern flavor by stitching "COMME des FUCKDOWN" or "YONCÉ" across the brim. Go absolutely gruesome while you kill the eyebrow game. Green stockings are a beautiful staple, but maybe experiment with American Apparel knee-high socks. Now that's billboard hot!
Beware False Brethren
Thanks to American Horror Story and Lorde, witches are oh-so popular with the dating witch-hunters of today. At first blush, this sounds like a plus and in some ways it is. For example, period sex is at an all time high! And that's just great. But on the other hand, a whole throng of sweater-beards are merely posing. The brews hoodie-boy mentions in his profile tend to be craft rather than strange. Be ultra wary when it comes to men with many warts, a professed love for Wicked, and definitely run for the hills when you spy seemingly witchcraft-related spell vocabulary such as "bazinga" and "gamergate."
Remember to Till a Full Field
A majority of women quickly swipe to the west at the sight of short men or those who are clearly compensating for their hauntingly small candlestick. But for you, and with the help of some unique ingredients, this crop of tiny gentleman are all worthwhile candidates! For most growth problems can easily be fixed with any number of spells and elixirs. Look at you, playing god! Get it!
When You Finally Find a Good One
Just as pop-witch Pat Benatar sang, love is a battlefield. After all the duds and swipe-cramp potions, you finally find one worth spending your spooky time with. But what if he's still on the prowl, untamed and wild? If you want to make doubly sure he refrains from stirring any other cauldrons, try this classic faith-spell: get him drunk and measure his erection with a ribbon, then soak said length of ribbon in his seed and tie seven knots in it. Keep this salty strip close and he'll never wander.
Happy Balloween, sinners!
Alan Hanson is a writer from the Golden State and a Gwyneth Paltrow stan. He has yet to change his twitter handle, which is @iluvbutts247.