Timeline: What the Hell Is Fifty Shades of Grey Doing to People?

On the surface, Fifty Shades of Grey is a fairly tame and boring movie about two very frightened actors who get undressed and tentatively tickle each other with floggers, but something about the film (or maybe its source material) has caused audiences to go fully insane. Here is a timeline of their bacchanalian behavior.

February 12, 2015

Eight perverts (labeled as such for reasons not pertaining to the movie) go to see an early Fifty Shades screening.

February 14, 2015

Teens, enraged at being denied entry into the movie, mob a cinema—and the adjoining mall food court—in Ocoee, Florida. Following the uprising, the theater implements a new rule requiring any teenager who wants to see a movie after 9 p.m. to bring an adult chaperone.

The New York Times reports:

The policy was implemented after 100 teens rushed a movie theater Saturday night after they were denied tickets to see “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which is rated R and requires the viewer to be accompanied by a parent if they are under age 17.

Damn the man.

February 14, 2015, again.

On the same evening across the pond, three women are arrested for physically assaulting a dude who asks them to be quiet during a Fifty Shades screening in Glasgow.

“Cinema visitors also claimed the man had been glassed and that staff were forced to wipe blood from seats before the next screening of the film,” the Telegraph reports. “But police have dismissed suggestions that glass was used in the assault.”

A witness counters, “We heard that a guy had asked women to quieten down because they were spoiling the film and one of them hit him with a bottle.”

Of the same evening: “There were… several incredibly drunk women vomiting in the aisle and corridor and several complaints from the other screen about drunk and rowdy folk.”

The Valentine’s Day Massacre

Who knew Valentine’s Day was such a rough holiday for cinema employees?

On the same night as the teen riots and rumored glassing, a theater in Milton Keynes, England is evacuated after a woman, completely blotto, begins to vomit and shit herself.

“She lost control of  everything, including all bodily  fluids. The whole cinema stank,” a fellow audience member tells the Milton Keynes Citizen.

“She so drunk she couldn’t move,” says another. “She practically had to be  carried out. And the mess she left behind was just  disgusting. There was no way they could clean it up there and then—it would be a specialist job, so the film was stopped and everybody had to leave.”

“It was so disappointing. We’d really been looking forward to seeing it after reading the books,” someone adds sadly.

Cheer up! You went in seeking debauchery and that’s exactly what you got. Trust me, Milton Keynes viewer—your version was way more edgy than what the rest of us got.

February 16, 2015

Jessica Simpson posts a series of self-posed Fifty Shades of Grey inspired photos that she took with her husband to Instagram. The world feels confused and a little depressed.

February 18, 2015

A man dares to go see Fifty Shades of Grey alone.

February 21, 2015

A woman at a screening in Sinaloa, Mexico is so taken with Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson’s cold fish chemistry that she attempts (and possibly succeeds!) to rub one out in the theater.

“The woman, said to be 33 years old, was caught red-handed while watching the film at a cinema in Sinaloa, western Mexico.” writes the New York Daily News:

She was noticed by other cinemagoers and reported. It was also claimed she was sitting in the 12th row of the movie house. The woman was arrested and, ironically, given the S&M nature of the movie, slapped in handcuffs by cops.

For the past week, it’s been seemingly all quiet on the Fifty Shades front, which means that the freaks have either gotten it out of their systems or they’re saving up for their next vomit-spewing, bowel-erupting and violence-fueled Fifty Shades of Grey orgy.