You know it, I know it and even your great-aunt Marlene who wears too much powder knows it: Some foods look like dicks. Delicious edible penises. Culinary cock. So let’s just all be grown-ups about it and rank them. Because that’s what grown-ups do when they’re not busy crying themselves to sleep.
54. Lobster tails
53. Maple bars
52. All manner of root vegetables not otherwise mentioned in this list.
51. Chocolate Easter Bunnies
50. Udon Noodles
49. TIE: Celery and Croissants
48. Some sweet potatoes.
47. French fries
46. Whole fish
45. Vegetable tempura
44. Pretzel sticks
43. Parpadelle [It’s all floppy and shit.]
42. Bouche de Noel
41. Soda and Beer cans but never 4Loko cans.
40. Crullers [Or whatever those long braidy donut things are.]
39. Corn on the cob
38. Yukon Gold potatoes
37. Ice cream cone
32. Mentos [Only when still in packaging; open rolls are disqualified.]
30. Those things in Russian grocery stores that are like gelatinous fruit with nuts in a dong shape. They always have a sign about not touching them. You know what I’m talking about.
28. Chocolate straws
27. Candy cigarettes
26. Stromboli from Sbarro’s that you look embarrassed to be eating in a mall food court. [Ranks higher if you also get the creamy garlic sauce with it.]
24. Big-ass vitamins
20. French andouille sausage with them veins
18. Geoduck. [I get a cold shiver every time I see a picture. Here is one for you.]
17. Push-up pops, Push Pops, Otter Pops
16. Lollipops that look like Unicorn horns.
14. Some squashes that look like dicks kind of lolling out of big malformed ball sacks.
13. Actual penises
12. Twix [If you’re in the mood for two.]
10. Butterfinger bars
7. Sausages [Sausage sub-rankings: 5. Bratwurst; 4. Tofu dogs; 3. Polish sausage; 2. Hot dogs; 1. Corn dogs]
5. Breadsticks from The Olive Garden that my grandma can’t seem to eat without deepthroating.
2.Banana [Too obvious for number one according to writer consensus. I disagree but was outnumbered.]
[This was a difficult choice, but Callie and I both agreed that we would rather have a burrito inside us than a dick any day. We also agreed we were like a really sad version of Samantha from Sex and the City because Samantha would actually do it with a burrito and we just don’t have that kind of confidence.]
Please note that while this list is comprehensive, it is by no means exhaustive and is made up of the views of everyone who was in the Jezebel chat room when this post was assigned to me (and anyone who was unlucky enough to be on Gchat at the time). The rankings are mine and NOT TO BE QUESTIONED. (Also: Callie helped)
Image by Jim Cooke.