This Week We Hung Out With A Lot Of Child Molesters

Illustration for article titled This Week We Hung Out With A Lot Of Child Molesters
  • We were so into the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints and their Yearning For Zion Ranch, where girls in their early teens get married off to gross molesty old men with multiple other wives, none of whom are allowed to wear red because that's Jesus' color.
  • Are those teens better, or worse off than the brave 8-year-old Yemeni girl name Nojoud Muhammed Nasser who was married off by her crazy homeless father, but has now successfully filed for divorce.
  • A study in contrasts: the marriage of Nojoud Muhammed Nasser versus the insane Southern belles of MTV's True Life who call themselves "old maids" at age 24.
  • OMG I almost forgot about that Australian father and daughter who fuck and have babies. Oh ew.
  • Can't some people just have a nice, normal wedding that doesn't involve incest, polygamy, statutory rape, fake boobs or Botox?
  • Mommablogger Dooce appears to be a fairly reasonable person whose wedding probably didn't involve any of those things.
  • Karl Lagerfeld hates Dooce's kid, though. Actually he hates all children. And also fat people!
  • You know who probably had kind of shitty moms? Those horrid teenage cheerleader bitches who beat the living hell out of their friend and may now face life in prison.
  • So make a bonfire out of Cosmo's "Sexy" issue, and rip off that bandanna you've been wearing. Let it all hang out this weekend!
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DISCUSSION

I think I know how to fix all this: Have A) the incredible 8-year-old Yemeni girl talk sense into B) the unfortunate FLDS teens/kids who can then teach a thing or two to the C) ridiculous "old maid" 24-year-olds who will chill out about getting married and no longer need D) boob jobs/botox for their weddings, thus freeing up the plastic surgeons to patch up the poor girl that the E) teenage hellions beat up and videotaped; during their jail stint, the teenage hellions can F) read stupid Cosmo issues and G) learn Dooce.com, re: not busting your own self on the internet.

Oh, and H) Karl Lagerfeld can explain how gross kids are to the I) father-daughter couple, so maybe they can quit inflicting that nastiness on the world!