This Week In Tabloids: Who's Gonna Tell Beyoncé About the Unauthorized Destiny's Child Musical?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where intrepid reporter and local menace Joan Summers is trawling the streets of New York City looking for the rumored rehearsal space of the unauthorized Destiny’s Child musical—written, directed, and produced by Beyoncé’s former father, Matthew Knowles. My plan is to secretly invade the theatre troupe, sow discord amongst the cast, dramatically ruin opening night, and leave with a book deal and movie rights to my story.

As for this week’s tabloids, let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Just last week, Jennifer Aniston was fine. This week she’s not! As previously reported, the hair product spokeswoman and hydration advocate appeared on InStyle’s September issue double dipped in self-tanner and looking (frankly) ridiculous. Fans were obviously displeased! In Touch reports that Twitter “erupted” with controversy over the cover—a claim I’d seriously dispute. At best, Twitter users mocked the wildly inaccurate shade that she’d clearly been photoshopped and moved on with their lives. I also detect a whiff of derision for said “controversy” and the incredibly valid critiques of the cover throughout In Touch’s blurb. “Sources” claim that “Jen would be mortified that people are offended” and stress InStyle’s only intention was to “style her after iconic beauty looks,” not put her in blackface. It simultaneously creates a controversy where there isn’t one while also deriding legitimate accusations of blackface as merely the byproduct of furious Twitter mobs incapable of critical thought. Yikes!

I’m also told Mark Vincent Kaplan, Kevin Federline’s lawyer, has gone on record to claim that his client has custody of his sons with Britney Spears “closer to 90 percent” of the time. This conflicts with earlier reports that under a new custody agreement filed August 28, that same agreement was adjusted to a 70-30 split. (With Kevin receiving the larger share of custody rights.) How this will play out as her new conservator Jodi Montgomery assumes more responsibility remains unclear.

Meanwhile, Rosie Huntington-Whitely wore a suit and Kristen Bell wore a dress. Celine Dion matched Chanel belts with Jenna Coleman, Katherine Heigl is allegedly a brunette now, and everyone’s getting bowl cuts now. Blake Lively donated to charity. Nobody wants to hang out with Prince Andrew, a known associate of an infamous pedophile . Jennifer Lopez was seen on a yacht. Ellen Pompeo bought a massive watermelon at the supermarket. Reese Witherspoon surfed. And, surprisingly, Sarah Jessica Parker descended from the Upper East Side to grace some regular people with her presence in Times Square. As In Touch reports:

SJP cast a spell while wielding a wizarding wand during a Times Square takeover to mark the global expansion of the play Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

I was also saddened to learn that Ryan Gosling has yet to move on from La La Land, as the star was reportedly seen out and about in Los Angeles wearing bowling shirts and baggy chinos. Worse, a disturbing interview with Matthew Knowles was wedged halfway through this issue was nothing short of explosive. The former manager of Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child revealed that he’ll be releasing an unauthorized auto-biography of the groundbreaking girl group. According to In Touch, he went on a “mini-rant” halfway through the interview about a variety of nonsensical topics (“I dare you to have the courage to say this interview don’t have shit to do with Matthew Knowles”) There’s also the revelation that he has “zero interface” with his daughter’s teams. Shocking! What else?

• “Renaissance inspired” clothing is apparently big right now.
• Celebrities love capes.
• Iman was the best dressed at the Venice Film Festival.
• Nina Agdal loves to meditate and google tennis match schedules.
• Alexis Bledel is a Virgo.
• Michael Buble rode a rollercoaster.
• Ivanka Trump debuted a villainous bob in Paraguay.

This week’s blind item, meanwhile, is absolutely about Brad Pitt. Prove me wrong—I dare you!

You may want to think twice before shaking this Academy Award-winning actor’s hands. The divorced and single dad, who’s been in the news a lot lately, never washes his hands after he leaves a restroom. It’s so well known in the industry that even fist-bumps are discouraged!

Star:

As always, Renée Zellweger was not interviewed as this cover leads you to believe. Regardless, Star reports that one of the greatest working actresses is “ready for the next chapter of her life.” That involves, from what I’m told: yoga, mediation, therapy, and working out. Good for her! I’m more interested in the sources claiming that Miley Cyrus has taken a massive step forward in her relationship with Kaitlynn Carter—appearing on her (alleged) girlfriend’s reality television show! Per the tabloid:

Miley is adding a new occupation to her resume: Reality Star! “Miley has agreed to appear on The Hills with Kaitlynn next season. She loves stirring the port, so she was all in,” an industry insider revealed. “Kaitlynn also assured producers she’ll be open about the end of her marriage to Brody and her new relationship with Miley—it’s all everyone is talking about!”

After the uneventful first season, I’d imagine that MTV is desperate for a storyline they can cash in on—and Kaitlynn delivered! There’s also reports that Miranda Lambert’s cop husband Brendan McLoughlin is “on her payroll” as the head of her security team. An interesting choice! As one source claims:

“Miranda wanted Brendan on her schedule because she’s always traveling, and of course, she wanted him to be by her side. She told him, ‘I’ll pay you way more money and we’d be working together on our own terms.’ It’s just one more way for Miranda to control the relationship. She doesn’t completely trust Brendan. She has money, power—and she uses it to keep the upper hand over people.”

Moving past this rather boring accusation, I have a question: Who do you think planted this story? It reeks of a jealous family member, but don’t forget he has an 11-month old son with another woman (a lawyer) who gave birth after he broke off his engagement to a third woman (a pro-soccer player) and started dating Miranda (5 months before they got married.) Either one of those women are equally likely candidates, but my bet is on the lawyer. Think about it! This man who left you for a pro-soccer player while you were pregnant calls you up and explains he’ll be away from his newborn son for long periods of time while on tour with a famous country music star he’s now married too. Any rational person would dial-up the Star tip-hotline!

Elsewhere, Chris Martin allegedly wants Dakota Johnson to stop “smothering” him. Margaret Qualley has been photographed with Pete Davidson everywhere. Austin Butler is doing his best to look like Elvis. Miles Teller and his mustache married Keleigh Sperry. Camila Cabello stepped out in chunky sandals. Reese Witherspoon apparently spends $20,000 a month on her fitness regime. Dua Lipa partied with Pepe Jeans. Kit Harrington rode a bike. Lisa Vanderpump unveiled the Vanderpump Pets subscription box. Melissa Gorga posed with her pizza box.

Ok!:

Wait.

Is that…?

I’m sorry, but….

Sir, excuse me—

Let’s move on. I’d like to discuss this photo of Whitney Port hailing a taxi with KeVita kombucha. It’s the wildest sponcon I’ve seen in some time—you have to admire the ingenuity!

What else? Katie Holmes has been seen across New York City looking better than ever after her split from Jamie Foxx earlier this summer. Lana Condor wore a pussy bow blouse. Kyle Richards and Brie Bella were seen in the same Retrogete sequin wrap dress. Laura Dern and Scarlett Johanson wore stripes. Liv Tyler revealed she “loves being engaged. Kirsten Dunst, somewhere else in Los Angeles, received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Chace Crawford also revealed that producers behind the HBO Max reboot of Gossip Girl sent him an email that left an “opening in the future for doing a cameo.” Sure!

As for this week’s installment in the ongoing Midweek Madness Summer Art Series—I call this one, “Kirsten Dunst Receiving Her Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame Except It’s That Photo of Keanu Reeves Smiling.”