This Week In Tabloids: Whoops, There Are No Tabloids

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to our normal magazine shop, head to the section with the tabloids, find last week’s issues, ask the man behind the counter when the new ones will be delivered, are told there’s a “printing problem” and they they won’t be delivered until tonight or tomorrow, leave feeling uncertain, head to another, more well-stocked magazine store downtown, hear the same story, and head back to the office feeling more than a little lost.

This week, someone probably broke up with someone else, one of the whoever daughters is pregnant by some singer, maybe, that one woman is writing a tell-all, and what’s her name is feuding with that other one, you know the one. Tall? Brunette? I think?

Here we go, I guess.

OK!

Wow, she dumped him. Sources claim, “She and him had a big fight over what to watch on Netflix,” (it was probably one of those nights where she wanted to binge a TV show and he wanted to watch a movie) after which “he punched a wall.” (He’s apparently saying the hole is there because a doorknob slammed into it… but his friends aren’t buying it.) She then decided she’d had enough of his violent behavior, so she left his home and “hasn’t spoken to him since.” He’s apparently been “texting her a lot and saying he’s sorry” complete with “a whole bunch of sad face emojis,” but she’s not having it. Insiders claim she’s “super excited” to get back to the single life.

Meanwhile that one and that one were seen “making out hard” at a hip club in Manhattan. Someone sure got over that other one quickly! An insider says “that one was all over that one,” and that “they split two bottles of champagne” before heading to the bathroom together. Meanwhile, that other one was seen buying Tropicana’s newest variety of orange juice alone at the Whole Foods in Chelsea.

And Also:

• Is she moving in with her? Only if all her cats can come, too.
• That actor everyone showed up to the set of his new movie “That Biopic” naked and vaping.
• She and Him got into a big fight at the album release party for that singer and he had to be escorted out.
• That actress is pregnant.
• That other actress is building a house… on an Apache burial ground.
• Is that TV actor a witch? (Hint: yes.)

Grade: F (Huh?)

InTouch

You heard it here first, folks: the stars of that reality show are actually werewolves. InTouch has received exclusive documents—some dating back centuries—proving that That Family is part of an order of shape shifters who have been around since the 15th century. They go by K’Vundah, and are only able to shift once a month. Insiders who have witness the transformation say it’s “pretty gross to watch, to be honest” but that their abilities “aren’t totally surprising if you know them in real life.” Though generally a benevolent tribe, they have been known to “rip the flesh off those who speak poorly of them” and, because of special enzymes found on their fangs and claws, the skinned bodies remain alive for days after the attack. It’s allegedly “a pretty brutal and totally messed up” way to die.

Speaking of shape shifters, everyone is wearing waist trainers these days! An expert from a public health organization that may or may not exist has spoken with InTouch to provide a warning for celebrities who use them, saying, “Don’t.” Oh, there was also an update on that big international custody battle. The entire family disappeared. No one’s seen them in a couple weeks, and the homes of both parents are entirely empty. One family friend says, “We’re a little worried!”

And Also:

• The old one DUMPED the young one.
• The young one DUMPED the old one.
• That Oscar winner caused a scene at an LA restaurant after a fan asked to take a photo with him.
• The actor’s kid got pulled over for speeding.
• That one singer is apparently a “diva” and asks for “12 cast-iron cauldrons filled with red Sour Patch Kids” to be in her dressing room before every performance.

Grade: F (What?)

Life & Style

Hoo-boy, here we go. This item is just the best. So remember how what’s his name and what’s her name recently divorced? Well, what’s her name is MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY to get away from it all. Sources say what’s her name “got a one-way ticket to Italy” last week and bought an old “but sort of charming” villa almost immediately. We’re told what’s her name “hired a bunch of friendly Polish men” to help her fix it up. You think that’s weird? Just wait. Her best friend—you know the one—showed up PREGNANT after being dumped by her girlfriend, and now they’re both living together in this villa! What’s her name had a fling with some dude from Positano I think, but that went south pretty quickly after he started seeing some other woman. Anyway, the pregnant friend gave birth to an “absolutely beautiful” little child, and now and what’s her name is “happier than ever.” In other news, that one guy is feuding with that other guy because he started dating his ex and also they ended up in an Uber Pool together and the other guy was dropped off before him. Drama!

And Also:

• Aw, that lady’s dog died. 🙁
• Aw, that other lady’s cat died. 🙁
• Aw, another lady died. 🙁
• That one squad went to Ibiza and all of them may have hired male prostitutes.
• That other squad went to Las Vegas and allegedly “killed some homeless guy in a hit and run” and the squad leader made them sign documents “in blood” promising they’d never tell ANYONE.
• Wearable cardboard is so in, and if you don’t wear it this week you’re so out.
• Everyone is wearing used cat beds as hats and if you don’t I’m going to throw cats at you.

Grade: F (Who?)

Star

Oh dang, the A-list wife and the A-list husband everyone loves? The ones who have been together for 20 years and have those charming children together? Turns out, they’re straight-up twins. That’s right: they’re fraternal twins. I know it’s shocking, but sources are claiming they both recently found out about it when a “well-wrapped package” was left on their doorstep. Inside was a VHS tape, a photo album, “pages of original documents” and “the cremated remains their birth parents.” Apparently the tape and the photos proved everything. A close family friend says the couple “was mostly upset at first,” but have since gotten over the shock and remain “totally in love and committed to one another.” So sweet! Oh, wait – one more thing. Meryl Streep chucked all her awards off some bridge in Santa Barbara. People saw her running up to the bridge over a busy street with a “wheelbarrow filled with Oscars and Golden Globes” and other treasures. She apparently began “screaming something in Latin” and then just threw ‘em all at cars. No one stopped her, and none of the drivers below were injured. One passerby told Star, “I thought it was Glenn Close at first, but nope! Meryl F——— Streep.”

And Also:

• Everyone is mad at that TV star.
• Everyone is mad at that movie star.
• What’s his face was caught shoplifting lip balm at a NYC pharmacy.
• That royal family member is trying to write a tell-all.
• That one director says the Illuminati is “very real” and that she’s “definitely in it.”
• She’s faking her pregnancy.
• What’s his butt is actually just a hologram?

Grade: A (Whatever)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 In Touch