This Week In Tabloids: Was Jennifer Aniston the Only Actor on Friends? Maybe!

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is currently boycotting the Friends 25th Anniversary Celebration by breaking into every Pottery Barn in the country and lighting the Friends-branded coffee tables on fire. Seeing as the police are currently searching for my whereabouts—sources tell me they have some “questions”—there isn’t much time.

Let’s dive in to this week’s tabloids!

Star:

There is no other way I’d like to spend the 25th anniversary of Friends than digging through some allegations and gossip contained within my least favorite tabloid! I should start by saying that if you walked up to me and explained a popular moment in the show where the cast elaborately stages a high-stakes robbery that climaxes in a drug-fueled orgy and the murder of a loved one—I’d believe you! Not a single episode has ever penetrated the protective barrier I’ve cloaked myself in for much of my life and the plot remains a mystery to me. (I plan on keeping it that way!) From what little evidence I’ve gathered from daytime television interviews and Facebook posts from high school acquaintances, they’re friends… who are rich? Or at least pretending to be poor? I’ve never figured out why they loiter in public on coffee shop couches despite their incredibly spacious apartments.

I’m also saddened to report that Julia Roberts appeared on a podcast. Dark times!

Anyway! The big story here is that one time Jon Favreau, notable nerd and architect of the destruction of the movie industry, asked the directors to make his guest spot “cooler.” Who knows why! To meet his outrageous demand, they made his character a wannabe UFC fighter. I’m also told that Brad Pitt once starred as Jennifer Aniston’s “archnemesis,” which is a stunning example of life imitating art! (At least as far as the tabloids are concerned.) Sources even claim that she was so disliked by the cast that they constantly mocked her for her hair. The joke’s on them, clearly, considering how much money she’s made from shampoo commercials since.

Jon Gosselin (remember him?) also claimed that Kate Gosselin, America’s least favorite a-line bob, emotionally abused their children. As Star reports:

Following the lift of a 10 year gag order, Jon Gosselin claims that some of his eight children with Kate Gosselin suffered abuse while under his care, and that he received “50 or 60” letters from the Department of Human Services due to suspected child abuse. The former TV personality criticized the Kate Plus Date star for shipping their son Collin off to a special needs institution because she “couldn’t deal with him” and alleged her ex also “targeted” their daughter Hannah.

Worse, he suspects that their children are merely a financial conduit to pay for Kate’s lifestyle. Both Collin and Hannah live with him now. Meanwhile, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are desperately trying to “save their relationship” by making more date nights. To illustrate this, Star included a helpful photograph of the two laughing, smiling, and generally enjoying themselves.

Busy Phillips bought her own book somewhere in Los Angeles, Rihanna was seen with somebody named Halsey, Katy Perry danced with Ellen Degeneres, and Jaime King was outshined by the disco ball she posed. Jordin Sparks performed on Broadway. Tom Brady wore sunglasses inside. Tom Delonge filed for divorce, and coupled with his recent foray into the field of UFO-ology, I’m sure we can guess what their “irreconcilable differences” were. Jon Hamm is still dating Lindsey Shookus, and strangely enough, a source claims that Charlize Theron went to Nicole Kidman for matchmaking advice. Considering the years-long narrative that she and Keith Urban are undergoing sex therapy to heal their broken love life, let’s assume the advice was ineffective. I’m also saddened to report that Julia Roberts appeared on a podcast. Dark times!

In more important news, Irina Shayk walked the Burberry runway just months after breaking up with Bradley Cooper, packing up her Away suitcase, and hightailing it for Iceland. I’m glad to see she’s doing well! Perhaps it’s time for me to request a comment on how she’s found healing with her ex-boyfriend’s polo shirts and cargo shirts no longer hanging around. The people deserve answers! What else?

• Lady Gaga wore a catsuit.
• Nicolas Cage kissed Laurence Fishburne.
• Helen Mirren donned a python print ensemble.
• Jennifer Garner posed with the Empire State Building.
• Kristen Chenoweth ate a donut.
• Meghan Trainor sang a song.

Life & Style:

Speaking of Irina Shayk, what were her surprising message to Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germonatta? Sources claim that the model and global socialite has spent her healing process post-breakup confiding in Lady Gaga because you “don’t get much better than” the woman your boyfriend cheated on you with to console you through a tough time. Sure! I’m also told that Bradley Cooper strung the women in his life along because he’s “afraid to commit.” Gaga, meanwhile, has been running around Los Angeles telling everyone she meets that Cooper broke her heart. It’s rather boring gossip, but I’m wishing the best for everyone involved!

Elsewhere, everyone’s wearing suits, Olga Kurylenko strutted around in faux-ostrich feathers, and Poppy Delevigne was seen on a step-and-repeat. Tessa Thompson wore it better, Tarek El Moussa bought himself a fancy car, and nefarious tipsters allege that Kanye West is getting acting lessons from mostly decent actor Brad Pitt. A suburban mom somewhere in Los Angeles claims that Beyoncé and Jay-Z performed at Blue Ivy’s school for a fundraiser—which I believe! I’m also shocked at the allegations that Gwen Stefani is feuding with Taylor Swift over the upcoming season of The Voice. (Mostly because I still haven’t met a single person who watches that show enough to warrant the gossip coverage it receives.)

Anyway, let’s catch up with our favorite animatronic billboards and their latest sponcon efforts!’

• Scott Eastwood ran a marathon to save the children for Bank of America.
• Vanessa Morgan encouraged NYFW attendees to purchase TRESemme hair products.
• Winnie Harlow bopped around Brooklyn in a pair of HOKA ONE x Engineered Garments sneakers.
• Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard built a playground for some children in Detroit, who later posed with their Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid.
• Nick Viall attended an event for the dating app Plenty of Fish somewhere in New York City.

I’d also like to check in with Megyn Kelly. Since doubling down on her defense of blackface before apologizing and getting fired, all while still insisting that Santa is white, the former news anchor was photographed at the book party for American Media exec Dylan Howard’s latest book, Diana: Case Solved. Walking the step-and-repeat at a party for a book that’s been taking out full-page ads in Life & Style is a fitting end to her career as somebody we have to pay attention to.

What else?

• Jennifer Lopez and Hoda Kotb played with money guns.
• Neil Patrick Harris ate a burger.
• Ice T groped his wife’s ass in public.
• Kacey Musgraves feels most beautiful when she looks like a drag queen.
• Kaia Gerber plays a lot of backgammon.
• Orlando Bloom has never watched Game of Thrones.

Before I forget—please enjoy this incredible spread of reality television stars at going nuts with OK! & In Touch Magazine for their NYFW party inside the PH-D Lounge at the Dream Downtown hotel, presented by SweeTART’s #BeBoth campaign, L.A. Colors, Polaroid, Nature’s Bounty Beauty, J&J Snack Foods Whole Fruit Fruit Bars, Heartbar Oatmeal Squares, Bartenura Wines, Heineken, SVEDKA vodka, and Icelandic Glacial Water.

Us Weekly:

Let’s get through this quickly, as I’d rather not waste our collective time musing about the love life of a divorced 50-something actor. Sources claim that after his secretive split from Charlize Theron sometime this year, one half of Branjelina was spotted with “holistic healer and jewelry designer” Sat Hari Khalsa. Us Weekly reports:

Khalsa is “earthy,” says the source, and much more low maintanence than the women he’s been with in the past. “She’s very strong,” adds the insider, “and has a beautiful mind. That’s what he’s attracted too.”

I’m also told that after attending boarding school in India, Khalsa, a shamanic American Sikh, learned holistic healing practices like “ozone therapy.” Through some cursory digging, I uncovered a podcast she was featured on called “Transcend with Nat.” In a description for the episode, here is how she’s described:

• “Grew up close to spiritual teacher Yogi Bhajan.”
• “Went to boarding school in the foothills of the Himalayas with no heat.”
• “Lived with Giardia for years in India.”
• “Scrounged for change for food after returning to the USA.”
• “Toured the world with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
• “Advised the most famous and wealthiest people in the world about health.”

Most is boilerplate “spiritual guru” descriptors, but what genuinely caught my eye is the revelation that she has toured the world with the “famous and wealthy.” My guess? She’s not really his girlfriend—just his life coach. (40-something actors love those!)

Us Weekly also has the “inside scoop” on the off-camera Emmys happenings. Let’s end here! Ted Danson’s wife was afraid to be left alone after her husband went to the bathroom, Chrissy Metz rushed some selfie-takers, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus explained her water drinking routine. Ryan Murphy complained that the auditorium was too hot. Jason Ralph was very proud of his wife. Terrence Howard asked Gwendoline Christie for a hug in the Lindt Chocolate Lounge. Lin-Manuel Miranda interrupted Gwyneth Paltrow’s conversation with Bradley Whitford to explain how much he loves The Handmaid’s Tale. Sophie Turner told everyone who was listening, shortly after losing: “I’m still going to get really drunk after this.” While Emilia Clarke karaoke’d to LMFAO’s “Shots,” Amy Poehler crunked to Fat Joe and Ashanti’s “What’s Luv.” Antoni Porowski ended the night by telling a stranger: “I genuinely had a good time.”

Anyway, enjoy this week’s art! I call it: “Everybody Loves Jennifer Aniston.”