Every Wednesday, we hear the siren song of the weekly tabloids. And each time, we hope that the song will be a beautiful and sweet melody of gossip. Instead, we usually find a dischordant cacophony of non-news and half-baked rumors. The horror! Anyway, this week, tab faves Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt win 3 out of 5 covers: If you believe OK! they're happy as clams; if you believe In Touch, their family is on the verge of being ripped apart by Africans. If you believe Life & Style , then you may be convinced that Brad spent the night with an unidentified blonde at a hotel. We rate the ballads of bad gossip, after the jump.

"Secrets Of Our Happy Home" the cover promises, and inside we find that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are "closer than ever" and may spend Thanksgiving in Missouri with Brad's family — if Angelina's filming schedule allows. Last year the Jolie-Pitts were in Vietnam and the year before that, Ange was helping earthquake victims in Pakistan. So a Midwestern Turkey-Day (which would be Pax's first!) seems imminent. Also making Thanksgiving plans? Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, who'll take Ava and Deacon Phillippe over to Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard's. OK! has an interview with Reese, who says being a single working mom is difficult and that her daughter wants to be a scientist while her son wants to be a pizza-delivery guy. Ooh, and is Reese voting for Hillary? "I think it's exciting that there is a potential for [a woman president]," she says. "I think women are fantastic negotiators and incredible multitaskers." In Britney Spears news, her "body and soul" makeover involves more Lipodissolve (she got some in Vegas over the weekend) and prayer. Since Brit's already tried Christianity, Kabbalah and Hinduism, OK! suggests she could also attempt Hare Krishna, Buddism and Scientology. (For the love of God.) Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson is sad because she wasn't allowed to walk the red carpet at the Country Music Awards — it's based on honor and merit (?!?!). Plus a great quote from Jennifer Hudson: "I have the height of a model, the breasts that people pay for and the lips everybody wants, so why should I change?" Damn, girl. Preach it!
Grade: C+ (Celine Dion)

In Touch
"Zahara's Family Wants Her Back" claims the cover, but the story is more about how Zahara is not technically an orphan, since her mother is alive. In Touch spoke with the mother and grandmother...in Ethiopia! But um, the adoption is legal because the family gave up little Z. And Angelina believes that even though an adoptee may have a biological parent, that parent has to "earn the right" to be with their child. Paging John Voight! The magazine's Britney angle this week is that she's trying to lose her kids, loves the paparazzi, fails her drug tests on purpose and might want to move to New York, even though that would exacerbate the custody issues. Hills star Audrina may have dumped JustinBobby for a male model named Tyson Paige. And hey, you know how Jennifer Lopez is pregnant? It's twins! A boy and a girl! (Bitch always has to have everything.) Additional Hills news: Lauren Conrad tells IT, "My life's not fake!" but then admits that she does do-overs for the benefit of the cameras. Guess what Vince Vaughn wants for Christmas? "A hot tub, a couple of girls from Brazil and a Do Not Disturb sign." Plus! Hollywood's biggest commitment-phobes: Zach Braff, Orlando Bloom, Mario Lopez, Heath Ledger, Jaime Foxx, Tommy Lee, Matthew McConaughey, George Clooney, Brody Jenner and John The Player Mayer.
Grade: C+ (Wayne Newton)


Life &Style
"Brad Walks Away...And Drives Off With Another Woman," the cover claims. At the Beowulf premiere, Mr. Jolie-Pitt left for a hotel with an unidentified woman (and another person) and was spotted leaving at 4 am. He feels eclipsed by Angie, claims a source. When he was with Jen, he got to lead down the red carpet. Yawn! Also inside: Britney's kids have pink eye, and they got it from her, natch. Christina Aguilera had a "gaggle" of drag queens at her baby shower. Sheryl Crow says of Ashley Olsen dating Lance Armstrong: "That's pathetic, Ashley's a kid." Oh, snap! Are the Kardashians krazy about plastic surgery? Five out of six family members seem to have had procedures. (The littlest one wasn't included).
Grade: C- (James Blunt)


"20 Best Makeovers: No Surgery!" Cheers the cover. Standouts: Carrie Underwood used to have huge hair! Hayden Panettiere, 18, now looks 25! Rihanna got a haircut! And some other boring before-and-after photos. Conan O'Brien's stalker priest was also a former Harvard classmate. Uh, scientists were paid to judge the reaction of lab mice to a cardboard cutout of Paris Hilton, though we're not sure why. Sarah Michelle Gellar is now Sarah Michelle Prinze — 5 years after marrying Freddie. The new hot Sex And The City bag is Fendi and totally fug. It has like, dreadlocks. It can be yours for $3,860!
Grade: D (Paris Hilton)

"Jen Breaks Down!" cries the cover. See, Courteney Cox didn't visit Jennifer Aniston on set in Oregon because David Arquette said it wasn't a good time. Courtney told Jen she was being selfish, and they haven't spoken since! Jen is dealing by e-mailing funny messages to Brad Pitt. Uh-oh! Plus: 13-year-old Ali Lohan looks "unrecognizable" in her seductive promo shots for Dina's new reality show: Could she have gotten a nose job? Intern Sharon says, "It's so wrong! She looks sexy!" The Britney story in Star is about "smart lipo" — Brit had a $12,000 procedure that she thinks is a bargain. Apparently, the incision so small that no stitches are necessary and fat is permanently melted away. Jennifer Lopez's twins' nursery will have everything hand-embroidered in cream and pastel green — and the furniture will be gilded with 18K gold. Subtle! Tyra Banks is petrified of being seen without her wig — she's afraid that if a guy wakes up next to her and she's untressed, he won't call back. "Extreme Bodies After Babies" is a bunch of celebs who dropped pounds after dropping kids. Mel B went from 150 to 110 but still eats burgers. Naomi Watts says she's small because she breastfeeds, but people are saying she's too thin and they can see bones. Heidi Klum's secret? A contract with Victoria's Secret. Nothing sheds pounds like the threat of losing your job!
Grade: D- (Jennifer Lopez duet with Marc Anthony)