This Week In Tabloids: Wait, Did Kris Jenner Make Kim Kardashian Her Horcrux ?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is currently on the run from Kris Jenner and her army of former Refinery29 interns. For legal purposes, it was definitely ~~not~~ a joke and I promise I didn’t ~~but definitely did~~ mean it!

Thank god they have wi-fi in Jezebel safe house. Let’s dive in to this week’s tabloids!

In Touch:

The spectre haunting Joan Summers is back on the cover of In Touch as I’m forced (with a metaphorical gun to my head) to write about another feud involving dress-wearing Meghan Markle and hat-owning Kate Middleton. This week’s EXPLOSIVE! and SHOCKING! report begins in complete contrast to my mood reading it: “Kate Middleton was having a great day.” What’s infinitely more interesting than this sorority spat is the Sussex’s alleged $3.8 million renovation on a place uncomfortably named Frogmore Cottage. Can you imagine living in a castle named after a discount B&B in the Bunheads-Gilmore Girls shared universe? And spending your taxpayer’s money to make it happen? On the other hand, there’s a revelation from a tipster that snake-oil saleswoman Kris Jenner is desperately attempting dark magic to steal KKW’s youth-adjacent life energy. Peeling back the curtain a bit, I would honestly like someday expand on the Fit Tea Federation’s surgery regime, with Kris allegedly working backwards to achieve a 2015 model of Kim’s face. In further news, the fallout around Proactiv spokeswoman Kendall Pepsi Jenner continues to worsen. The menaces at In Touch began this issue with a spread on the retinoid-infused controversy that involved a shocking white turtleneck smudged with 2-shades-too-dark foundation. Praying for our pimple hero!

In news that feels planted by animatronic rat-king Johnny Depp, sources are claiming Amber Heard is a red carpet “menace” hell bent on having her photo taken and landing movie roles. It feels apt that someone definitely not named Johnny Depp would resent this. Not only is he invisible in photograph and mirrors, but Aquaman has outgrossed every movie he’s ever made. Sad! We’re also treated to breaking Back Tattoo Updates, as Justin Theroux is seemingly HOT AND HEAVY with Elizabeth Hurley. The pair, photographed around Morocco, attended these events together: a resort cocktail party, the 2019 Marrakesh E-Prix, and the Formula E Championship Dinner. While sources read these photo-ops as the early stages of an international affair, I have a different theory. Justin’s mid-life crisis has led him to cars that go fast and Elizabeth Hurley likes getting her photo taken with rich people. Deeper on the frontlines of wealthy people finding love, Hillsong salesman Chris Pratt is engaged to someone apparently named Katherine Schwarzenegger. It’s very on brand for the tireless hero of Blue collar America to wed the daughter of one of the most hated Republicans in California politics. I genuinely believe you dodged the bullet here, Anna Faris! What else?

Timothée “Not A Twink” Chalamet’s true love, Lily Rose-Depp, has “tons in common with him!” They’re both half-French!
Enigmatic Sorceress Cate Blanchett wore some more suits.
In Touch claims James Marsden is the world’s hottest James, when it’s clearly Desperate Housewives era James Denton.
Nev Schulman is obsessed with Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, meaning I can no longer watch the sometimes good spawn of top hatter Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Life & Style:

Jennifer Aniston sure is having a busy month! Life & Style is back this week with allegations that the moisturizer activist is balayage extensions deep in an affair with former co-star Jason Bateman. Despite conflicting reports from In Touch that she’s engaged to and having a baby with Brad Pitt, I’m mostly left wondering what the Eyelove® sales rep sees in a man famous for making national treasure Jessica Walter cry. Regardless, Stefani Joanne Tied With Glenn Close Germonatta has allegedly called off her wedding to fiance Christian Carino. Did his assortment of leather bracelets push her over the edge? Life & Style reports that she’s “completely consumed with proving herself as a serious actress.” Seems like the answer is yes! This cover also features an extremely shocking story about “BEACH BODY WINNERS & LOSERS!” In January! The only consolation is it provided an opportunity to think rude thoughts about Chris Pratt (whom I’m embroiled in a one sided feud with.)

In other news, there’s a “source” claiming Chrissy Metz is a d-list diva on the set of This Is Us. Apparently, her wardrobe induced “tantrums” have Tropicana spokesperson Mandy Moore rolling her eyes. My thoughts? Hollywood is notoriously disrespectful towards actresses like Chrissy Metz and both designers and stylists refuse to adjust to the reality of women’s bodies. This “source” is most likely a disgruntled crew member that had a predisposed attitude to the fact a woman like Chrissy would dare enter the Prestigious Hallowed Halls of Hollywood Royalty. Just thinking out loud! Further in, Richard “Billy Porter Deserved My Golden Globe” Madden is seen fronting like a Heineken ad is a fun and funky party candid. I saw this shot in 5 tabloids! My third eye is open and I won’t be misled. But what really knocked me to the floor is the allegation that Keith Urban has hired a sex coach for Nicole Kidman. A “source” claims that the chunky highlight advocate is desperately trying to repair his relationship through sex therapy gift cards, a claim that is almost Too LA to contend with. Oh! Did you hear that PK and Dorit “New Face, Who’s This?” Kemsley are getting sued for gambling debts? Tune into the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere on February 12th!

Finishing up:

David Beckham is allegedly “furious” that his sister sold her belongings to make ends meet. A source claims, “All she had to do was ask! […] If her intent was to stick it to her little brother, then she won.” I too struggle to survive under capitalism to Make A Point!
Courtney Love is on Raya.
Eddie Redmayne’s college fantasy was InfoWars spokeswoman Heidi Montag during her stint on The Hills?
Vanessa Hudgens, the patron saint of frock dresses and gladiator sandals, wants to drive a minivan with shag carpeting.

Ok!:

Moving right past the Markle Madness cover, let’s discuss Drew Barrymore’s “most candid interview ever.”

It’s hard to be a mom that juggles work and raising her children.
She’s recently divorced.
Her and ex-Will Kopelman co-parent their two daughters.

Frankly, I’m absolutely floored! I’ll give the reader a chance to process it all…moving on. There’s an assertion early in this week’s issue that an alleged Bring It On reboot is stalling out because Kirsten Dunst is taking her time recovering from pregnancy. Quickly scouring the trades, there’s been no mentions of a reboot or the producers pitching spec scripts! Sounds like an excuse to shame a woman for being a regular human being. We’re also told that former 17 year old Sofia Richie and Scott “I Should Be In Jail” Disick’s dinner at the Sugar Factory was NOT a paid advertisement but a date. It’s super awesome that this creep’s getting to cash checks for dating a woman he met as a teenager!

What really caught my attention is the two-page spread alleging that chaos merchant Kim Kardashian is locked in a blood feud with PacSun designer Kylie Jenner. “But it’s not Kylie’s social media attention that Kim craves the most: It’s their mom’s!” Rich people, they’re just like us! And speaking of the 1%, gay-boys having Katherine McPhee is probably going to spend $50 million on her wedding to illustrious divorcee David Foster. Obligatory reminder that Yolanda Hadid still has Lyme Disease! More importantly, however, is a trend I’ve been noticing in the recent weeks. I’ll give you the length of this sentence to imagine which Holly-husband is featured in every “Here’s what the celebrities are saying!” spread across the 5 major tabloids. None other than The Good Place fan Dax Shepard! I don’t have a rude joke to append this with but felt it warranted a closer look. Putting a pin in that, what did I miss?

Mike Meyers and Vin “Car Movie” Diesel allegedly run a Dungeons & Dragons league?
Hailey Bieber is stressed out.
Sarah Carrie Jessica Bradshaw Parker allegedly gave her 9 year old’s credit cards.
Fired America’s Next Top Model judge Rita Ora and Spider Man are still going strong.

Us Weekly:

Thank god, some real news! Diving head first into this week’s cover story, Jeff Bezos took a break from forcing his employees to (ALLEGEDLY) pee in water bottles to file for divorce! What I find fascinating about rich men, especially the world’s richest man, is their dedication to pivoting 25 years into a marriage for an affair with a Fox Sports anchor. While it’s certainly fascinating that this affair is the lynchpin to the world’s most expensive divorce- let’s fire off a few takes:

Jeff Bezos is a plutocrat who’s wealth accumulation should be illegal. MacKenzie Bezos, by association, is just as bad. Eat the rich!
It is not a feminist act to divorce the world’s richest man and acquire 50% of his assets.
I’m continually floored by Toni Morrison’s assertion that MacKenzie Bezos was one of “the best students I’ve ever had in my creative-writing classes . . . really one of the best.”
MacKenzie Bezos will not be spared in the class war!

I also believe that as a culture we did not thoroughly investigate Jeff Bezos’ sext claim that Lauren Sanchez is an “alive girl.” It certainly conjures up a darkness I’m not equipped to process and heal from. Moving on, a Blonde Bachelor Contestant got married this weekend and Lady Gaga is proud of her body! There’s also a reminder that Frankie Muniz owns a boutique olive oil company in Arizona and a plug for Jaden Smith’s ~~LIFEWTR/Voss/Smart Water~~ Eco Water. But, in the most important news of the year, Lana Condor uses a $2 Hello Kitty wallet.