This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

By Bobby Finger  |  September 9, 2015 | 6:15pm
Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get a call from Beyoncé, pause the episode of Cheers we’re watching on Netflix, answer the phone, say, “Bey? You there?” listen to her breathe into the phone for a few moments before finally saying, “It’s over,” after which all the lights in your home flicker and shake as you realize what’s just occurred.

This week: Beyoncé and Jay Z are more through than ever, William and Kate are more royal then ever, Sandra’s new boyfriend is more dangerous than ever, and Blake and Gwen are more boring than ever.

Here we go!

OK!

PALACE CONFIRMS WILLIAM & KATE: KING & QUEEN

Bust out your Union Jacks and turn up your Rita Ora singles because I have some incredible breaking news that is 100% true because the palace has “confirmed” it: Queen Elizabeth is “giving up the throne after 63 years” and William and Kate will soon be be King and Queen of England. See, what happened was that Queen Elizabeth approached Prince Charles and was all, Charles, sweetie, honey bear, darling, my favorite corgi – you’re not going to be King of England because it’s not good for the monarchy, and then (claims a family insider) he “flew into a rage, ranting that the crown is rightfully his.” He eventually “began to understand her way of thinking,” but not Camilla! Oh hell no, Camilla is not having any of this and is apparently “devastated.” Anyway, the coronation ceremony is going to cost a billion dollars or euros or whatever and George will probably do something cute. Page flip, page flip, Scott Disick isn’t Reign’s father? No, that’s how the headline is written. “Scott Disick Not Reign’s Father?” Some source says that Scott says that he isn’t sure if Reign is his, but if that’s the case, whose is he? Maybe someone named Michael Girgenti, apparently, but I couldn’t possibly tell you who the hell that is. I could, however, tell you who Jennifer Lawrence is, and I could also tell you that she is “embracing her single life since her split from noncommittal Chris Martin.” She has so many friends. She loves life. Wow what a life. All of us are so jealous.

And Also:

  • Jake Gyllenhaal and Charlize Theron are secretly dating, and I’m publicly shipping.
  • Kourtney wants Khloe to set her up with Orlando Bloom for some reason.
  • Adam Sandler’s career is taking a toll on his wife for some reason, and that reason is probably Pixels.
  • Zac Efron and Emily Ratajkowski are “too close” and Sami Miro is mad jealous.
  • Jennifer Garner’s “support system” consists of 1.) Gwyneth Paltrow and 2.) *see 1.*
  • Kristen Stewart is “obsessed with therapy” and is “one of the most overly analytical people you’ll ever meet.”
  • Calvin Harris has “anger issues.”

Grade: C- (You’re accused of being “too close” to Emily Ratajkowski.)

inTouch

BEYONCÉ SHOCKER: DIVORCE ANNOUNCEMENT

Here’s some more big news for you: Beyoncé Knowles is going to divorce Jay Z and there’s nothing we, as a people, can do about it. (I’ll wait for you to grab some tissues before I begin, because this one’s rough and your faith in love will dissolve entirely by the time you’re finished reading.) OK, so what happened was that—hold your breath—Jay Z cheated on Beyoncé a lot (perhaps with Rita Ora) and she’s finally had enough. Exhale. OK, fine. Not that interesting of a story, but whatever. They’re finished, and world will soon come to an end—but hopefully not before her next album. Selena Gomez is also finished…with that drink! So she’s going to order another. And another. And another. And now she’s blackout. Yes, the sad truth is that Selena’s “confidence has been rocked in recent months” and now she’s is spiraling out of control. Sources say she’s “drinking like crazy,” which is particularly problematic because she suffers from Lupus, and now I’m suffering from boredom because of this magazine. Uhh, page flip, FKA Bennifer 2.0 are still in couples therapy, and “it’s working.” Maybe they’ll be able to remove the FKA from their name! Actually, you know what? I want FKA Bennifer 2.0 to switch to a new name if they reconcile. A symbol, maybe—like Prince. It could be a minimalist line drawing of Christine Ouzounian’s face. Yes, that’s how they should identify from now on.

And Also:

  • David Schwimmer is “fuming” over being snubbed from Jennifer and Justin’s secret wedding.
  • Tom and Gisele are definitely gonna break up soon.
  • Angelina Jolie prays a lot now.
  • Cameron Diaz is pregnant with twins.
  • This magazine is pregnant with bullshit.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You don’t invite David Schwimmer to dinner one night and he gets so mad about it and just, like, WON’T let it go. Like every time you hang out after he makes weird and uncomfortable references to it, like, “Oh, where was that place you all went for dinner last month? I’ve been wanting to try it.”)

Life & Style

BLAKE & GWEN STEFANI: HOT NEW ROMANCE

This is maybe (definitely?) the weirdest/most boring post-divorce office romance rebound I’ve ever heard of. We all know Blake divorced Miranda, and we all know Gwen divorced Gavin, but now the news is that Blake and Gwen went back to work on The Voice and fell in love. “They’re trying to keep it on the down-low,” but “everyone on set” knows it. Even Miranda found out about it. She used to “consider Gwen a pal” but now they’re like, never ever gonna hang out again. Probably not even in group brunches or anything! OK I’m bored. And now for the best item of the week: Angelina Jolie was using Brad Pitt’s phone to “send herself a cute pic he’d taken of the children” (I laughed out loud here) when she discovered a “weird back and forth” between Brad and “a number she didn’t recognize.” Whose number was it??? JENNIFER FUCKING ANISTON’S NUMBER. Ahhhhh, but just wait. She sent Brad “a smiley face, hearts, and even one of a woman in a bridal veil.” So Angie FLIPS out, right, and starts yelling at Brad, who said, “Jen had merely given him a courtesy call to let him know about her wedding and that she was planning on adopting a baby girl.” Angie sort of believed him, but is going to continue “looking over her shoulder, wondering what Brad is up to.”

And Also:

  • Gisele needs plastic surgery “to save her marriage.”
  • Kaitlyn and Shawn are making so much money on endorsements somehow?
  • Nicole Richie is “scary skinny.”
  • Every single person in the world hates Tyga but Kylie.
  • Katy Perry dumped John Mayer again.
  • Wear red plaid this week or else everywhere you go people in red plaid will whisper, “Look at that piece of human garbage who refuses to wear red plaid.”
  • If you don’t wear culottes constantly, like, I’m sorry, but you need prayers?

Wrong Answer:

Grade: B+ (You and Jennifer Aniston are texting about Brad and she send you an eggplant emoji and you write back, “lol.”)

Star

SANDRA’S DANGEROUS NEW ROMANCE: HE’S BEEN TO JAIL 4 TIMES!

Sandra Bullock “has a thing for bad boys,” and her new guy, Bryan Randall, is proof. Here’s what’s up: Bryan’s friends call him “Bandit,” he’s been arrested for DUI, missing court dates, and driving without a license, and once said he conceived a daughter while “loaded on LSD”? No, really. He commented on a Facebook photo of his daughter earlier this year and wrote: “Sky was the happiest baby…I don’t think she cried until preschool. I’m pretty sure she was conceived while i was loaded on LSD.” The comment has one Like – perhaps by Sandy? What next. Oh, Taylor Swift has a “secret backup boy” for when “Calvin Harris is away.” An insider says Swift calls him “her ‘tour guy’” and that “they’ve got a ton of chemistry and electricity.” He “feels obligated to cater to her every whim, whether it’s foot and neck rubs or private rehearsals to work on choreography.” I think I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that there’s no scarier thing I can imagine than hearing Taylor Swift say, “Rub my feet,” and mean it.

And Also:

  • Gavin cheated on Gwen with some non-G-name woman named Shanna.
  • Caitlyn’s probably going to prison because of that car accident.
  • Tori Spelling dyes her kids’ hair blonde.
  • Josh Duggar is at rehab at a “sketchy treatment center run by sex offenders.”
  • Blake’s dogs went to Miranda after the divorce.
  • Maggie Q and Uma Thurman are in a new movie together and can’t stand each other.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C- (Tori Spelling dyes your hair.)

Appendix:

Fig 1. InTouch

Contact the author at [email protected].

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