Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where record setting temperatures in the Bay Area have scorched local menace Joan Summer’s last remaining brain cells. It’s sad but absolutely necessary. And I’m unafraid to admit that it feels good to finally confront something strong enough to stop my reign of terror.

Let’s dive in.

In Touch:

I see that American Media decided to print blatant transmisogyny across the cover of a national magazine read in a country where trans people are viciously under assault by just about everyone. A “source,” quoted “exclusively” by In Touch, claims that Caitlyn Jenner is “detransitioning” because her “feminine features” are “disappearing.” The most egregious claim, in fact, is that “she worked so hard to escape Bruce, but he’s creeping back up.”

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I won’t indulge this revisionist portrayal of transition, since cis people continually struggle with the concept of object permanence. But, as many readers will know, I transitioned socially as a kid and made it no secret throughout my life that my experience in the world was that of a girl and woman. When I finally secured the right to medically transition, despite the multiple doctors who attempted to institutionalize me and bar me from receiving care, I didn’t “escape” an old identity. I was a woman, who chose present as a new version of myself, as a woman. And while Caitlyn Jenner’s experiences are incredibly different than mine, she also did not “escape” Bruce.

As hard as it is for American Media to grapple with, she’s still the person she was before that Diane Sawyer interview. And as I’ve said before, I can’t help but scream when the national media invalidates their own transphobic reporting with the (clueless) realization that gender is a learned set of behaviors and visual motifs that can easily assign new meanings to pre-existing concepts.

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I told you this heat had me sweaty and petty!

Elsewhere, Leo DiCaprio is allegedly Brad Pitt’s “matchmaker” and Sophie Turner debuted bangs. Sharone Osbourne wants a new face by August, Nicole Kidman loves bullying Reese Witherspoon with emojis, and Kathryn “Katy Perry” Hudson got matching tattoos with a fan. Chrissy Teigen posed with the cast of Sesame Street while J.Lo took a gym selfie. And, strangely, Tom Holland posed with a Spiderman surfboard. Jessica Chastain’s boob was bit by a horse. Taylor Swift wore rainbow shorts. I’m also disgusted with the framing of Allison Williams as “too thin,” but I’ve begun to expect the body policing! There’s also a fabulous time capsule of week-old gossip claiming “Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are at the breaking point.” Here’s a dispatch from the future, In Touch! There’s also an overwhelming interview with Dean McDermott, husband of hibachi grill burn victim and sponcon expert Tori Spelling. I’ll print my favorite excerpts below:

IT: Have you sworn off reality TV?

DM: Our fans ask us to come back all the time. [...] But True Tori, no. That was cutting edge stuff I don’t think people were ready for.

IT: Tell us about your new podcast:

DM: I hit it off with Adam and Nicky when I started doing stand-up comedy three months ago. Our dynamic is great. I’m a 52 year-old dad, Adam is 32 and has a new baby, and Nicky is 26 and gay and brings a totally different perspective. It’s a lot of fun.

IT: How’d you get into stand-up?

DM: I discovered Robin Williams.

IT: You hosted Chopped Canada!

DM: I’m an actor, writer, producer, scuba diver, hockey player, boxing instructor.

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Speaking of ill-fated cooking shows, never forget this iconic scene from True Tori where a tearful Tori Spelling proclaims, “How am I supposed to let you go and do Chopped Canada 2?!”

As for this week’s blind:

This pregnant b-lister was the glamorous face of a major beauty brand, but they dumped the difficult diva, deeming her a “beautiful nobody” who didn’t resonate with consumers.

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The only celebrities who are currently pregnant that could be described as “b-list divas” would be Miranda Kerr (who?) or Blake Lively. I’m inclined to present Blake Lively as a-list, considering her status as a tabloid fixture and Ryan Reynolds being the most recognizable leading man in 2019. Keira Knightley is also pregnant, but isn’t she currently in a Chanel ad for Coco Mademoiselle? Leave your guess in the comments below using this handy guide!

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Ok!

Let’s check in with Chip and Joanna Gainess “summer on the farm!” Sources claim that after a busy year transforming Waco, TX with the power of suburban whiteness, the pair are ready to spend some “downtime” on their 40-acre farm in their hometown. A quick question: how do you reconcile living on that much land when your presence in Waco has driven some home prices up from $150,000 to almost $1 million? Just a thought! The source adds:

“Their plans include storytelling around the campfire, barbecues on the porch, picking produce from their garden, tractor rides and a host of other outdoor activities. “It’s the perfect time to focus on the thing they value most: family”

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I get the sense that their public image has been manicured to appeal to a highly specific set of American ideologies. That’s fun. Other details include Joanna’s “tight ship” mentality, Chip’s inability to grow up, and the children’s lack of cellphones. Rich and down to earth—the brand’s becoming clearer! Unfortunately, there’s little in the way of details concerning their upcoming “television network.” In the little information given, the source claims “a website and streaming app is in development.” Tipsters also allege that Portia de Rossi is “butting heads” with Ellen Degeneres’ over the television star’s busy schedule. And despite previously claiming she was “done with television,” Ok! is now enthusiastically behind Ellen’s 3 year contract extension. But despite the massive cash dump from the upcoming contract, de Rossi is “at odds” with her wife of 14 years and it’s a “tug of war” for control in their relationship. I’m also interested in the framing of Ellen as a “one woman show” who’s dead set on amassing a real estate fortune. Her impulsive home buying, one source claims, opens up plenty of “empty houses for Portia to escape too.” I’d normally say I’m wishing these millionaires the best, but I was raised to not tell lies.

Meanwhile, Stella Maxwell stepped out in sequins, Ana Beatriz Barros wore feathers, and Queen Maxima wore it better than Gisele Bundchen. (Eat the rich! Ransack the royals!) Miley Cyrus debuted a Gucci belt onstage, Hilary Duff wore clogs, and Rihanna rocked a lime-green, almond tip acrylic. And before I forget, Lisa Rinna stepped out with a bandana and yoga mat. Gossips claim that Allison Williams is “done” with Lena Dunham’s drama and Daniel Craig is allegedly feuding with Cary Fukunaga. The rumor that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn are planning their “summer nuptials” (despite having exactly 1 photograph together) is completely false. There’s also a deranged infographic on Meghan Markle’s $1.6 million baby. Some alleged expenses include:

  • $750,000 on a babyshower.
  • $10,000 on acupuncture and “herbal wellness.”
  • $42,000 on a “babymoon” to Hampshire, England.
  • $20,000 on “bogus hospital runs” with hired private security “in an attempt to keep their son’s arrival a secret.”
  • $60,000 on a nursery.
  • $5000 on psychic readings and numerology practitioners in London.
  • $200,000 on expenses during the birth (private security, American medics, and a private room in the hospital.)
  • $14,000 on a fitness guru that costs $230 an hour.

What else?

  • Taron Egerton’s “A-List friend” is Colin Firth.
  • Various country music stars are “toning up.”
  • Designer Jenni Kayne, “a favorite of A-Listers like Jessica Alba, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Kristen Bell” shared her zucchini and summer squash tartine recipe? (Spoiler: it involves no cooking.)
  • Jameela Jamil likes former Louis C.K. supporter (and the person who personally cast him in Parks and Recreation) Amy Poehler because “she supports women.” Question: Will Poehler will ever speak up about the disgraced comedian and her role in his career?
  • Cardi B’s philosophy: “If I’m iced out my daughter’s gotta be too.”
  • Jessica Alba admits she’s “unprofessional.”
  • Renée Zellweger wants the fourth Bridget Jones movie to be called “menopause.”
  • There were 3 full page CBD advertisements in this week’s Ok! Magazine.


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Life & Style:

A family feud involving a trust fund and a yoga pants empire? Count me in! Sources claim that Danny Fujikawa has “walked out” on Kate Hudson over “notorious party loving” ways. One tipster goes to far as to allege a mid-party walkout in front of the likes of Reese Witherspoon and Johnny Knoxville at a “pizza making, cannabis-infused gummies” party. Huh! As for her “millions in the bank?” There’s obvious rumors that she’s wealthier than her significant other and that they frequently “clash” over the class disparity. According to the source, “Kate accused Chris Robinson of being after her fortune once, and she has questioned whether Danny could have a similar motive.” May I please write this screenplay about the embattled product of generationational wealth and yoga pant CEO contending with a hot, young scammer? Call me, Hollywood! As for other rich blondes, Behati Prinsloo is “demanding change” in her marriage to animatronic mohawk Adam Levine. Now that he’s quit The Voice, sources claim the couple is hopeful that they can finally work past his extensive scheduling conflicts. I’m also foreseeing a rise in Tori Spelling tabloid content as the 90210 reboot inches closer. Despite Dean’s interview running the same week, the “happy couple” opened up to Ok! about “overcoming rough patches.” Get me off this ride!

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On another plane of existence: Sophie Turner has “stepped her style up” and Laura Dern wore it better. I was shown a photograph of Alexa Chung, Rebecca Romijn was seen on a red carpet, and Sienna Miller jacked Kate Bosworth’s vibe. Naomi Watts is allegedly “jealous” of Jennifer Aniston for being “too close” to Billy Crudup. Who? Sources also claim there’s “turmoil” on the Tonight Show after news broke that Jimmy Fallon had been “dethroned” by Stephen Colbert. In sponcon news:

  • Will Ferrell and friends toasted with a glass of Johnnie Walker whiskey during a private ABC afterparty at the Wheelhouse in LA.”
  • G-Eazy packed on the PDA with girlfriend Yasmin Wijnaldum at KROST’s Second Semester Collection pop-up event in NYC.
  • Chrissy Teigen hosted the Pepsi #Summergram Celebration featuring a set by DJ Khaled at Pier 17 in NYC.”
  • Drew Barrymore talked about her FLOWER beauty brand at an American Express x WeWork Business Platinum event.”
  • Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi reminisced about her mouthwatering trip to Austin’s Franklin Barbeque on National Brisket Day.”
  • Late Late Show host James Corden dressed up as Abu- the monkey from Aladdin- to film the latest installment of his “Crosswalk the Musical” series with Naomi Scott, Mena Massoud, and Will Smith.”
  • Tinsley Mortimer posed for a summer ready photo op at the CIROC Summer Watermelon Bicycle Cart.”

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As for the rest: Farrah Abraham went topless at In-N-Out burger and Chrissy Teigen “opened up” about her love of burritos. That’s it. That’s literally all there is. (And if you’re thinking Life & Style had too much spon, you should’ve seen Us Weekly!)

Enjoy this week’s summer slump collage!