Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris Will Marry Soon, Whether We Like It Or Not

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Welcome to Midweek Madness where we get a call from Us Weekly, are told to provide a list of 25 things people don’t know about us, and tell them our daughters’ favorite game is “Attack the Daddy.”

This week, Taylor and Calvin are going to have a boring wedding in Hawaii, Teresa Giudice is going to have a baby while Joe is in prison, Blake and Gwen are going to release revenge music, and Adam and Behati did a thing.


3...2...1! Attack the daddy!

Taylor Swift & Adam “Calvin Harris” Wiles


Rumors about this terrible wedding have been going around since what feels like the beginning of time, but today’s OK! cover story is more believable than any item that has come before it. After the mind-numbing public displays of affection they published to social media earlier this week, insiders say Taylor and Adam “have thrown themselves into the wedding planning process” and are “hunting for the perfect Hawaiian estate at which to host the nuptials.” This is a boring location for a wedding, but Taylor and Adam are boring people with plenty of money to spend, so I believe it. Only 50 of her 847 best friends will be invited, and Harry Styles will not be one of them.

Adam Levine & Behati Prinsloo


The fact that these two are on the cover of Star should tell you a lot about the shamefully low quality of gossip this week. The headline begins with “ADAM AND BEHATI” as though Adam and Behati are famous enough as a couple to be presented without surnames. Listen, Star, I barely know who Adam Levine is, and to be honest, I’d prefer to Eternal Sunshine my way into knowing even less. The frail hearts of America should only be allowed one Voice-related romance at a time, and Gwake have already claimed that miserable spot. But enough ranting—do you want to know what the story is about? Of course you don’t, but I’m going to tell you because that’s my job, and my parents instilled a good work ethic in me. Behati is three months pregnant, the impending child has saved the couple from divorce (as babies are designed to do), and Gwake are the godparents.

How does it feel to be hypnotized?

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani


Speaking of Gwake, that crumpled beer can and his loving koozie are about to release a “tell all” about how Miranda Lambert sucks. But this act of revenge won’t be in book form—no, it will be musical in nature. Sources are telling In Touch that the two of them won’t be “holding back” on their upcoming albums, and will use the songs as “outlets to ease [their] pain.” And, they claim, it was all Gwen’s idea. “She encouraged Blake to find songs that spoke to him and allowed him to tell the world the truth about his life. She told him to channel what he’s feeling into recording all the songs on his new album.” If that is indeed the case, I suspect we’ll see a track listing that looks something like this:

  1. “Pour Me Another One, Little Lady (ft. Gwen Stefani)”
  2. “I Got Mud In My Tires”
  3. “I Left My Heart In Oklahoma, Next To the Guns”
  4. “Oh Dammit We’re Out of Toilet Paper. Whatever.”
  5. “Miranda Who?”
  6. “Hahaha Fuck Miranda”
  7. “Make It a Double This Time, Little Lady (ft. Gwen Stefani)”
  8. “Don’t You Dare Put Your Finger Up There Again”
  9. “Gavin Keeps Calling”
  10. “We’re All Out of Whiskey”
  11. “I Hate Tequila (But It’s All We Got In the House)”
  12. “Where’s That Damn Dog”
  13. “I Don’t Think I Can Tonight, Babe”

I can’t wait to listen.

Teresa Giudice


So here’s what happened. Teresa Giudice is pregnant. That means she bolted out of prison, started ovulating, fucked her husband, and got pregnant—all in the span of like 12 hours. I suppose that’s not the most shocking thing that could have happened, given how often children are conceived on this planet, but it’s notable because Joe will soon be leaving her to serve his time in prison—which means Teresa will be alone with four children, a baby boy on the way, and a home filled with Bravo cameras for 41 months.

Fortunately, Teresa’s sister-in-law and former enemy Melissa Gorga will be there to help out. They’re reportedly “ready to step up the support even more” now that Teresa is expecting baby number five.


Mariah & That Billionaire

Mariah Carey is a “bridezilla,” and her fiancé James Packer is “only now beginning to see the truth behind Mariah’s reputation.” Her wedding plans are getting “bigger and bigger,” and will likely take place in Tahiti, “where James likes to take his yacht.” Same. But wait, what if it takes place in Sydney! She’s also considering that! Or maybe Disney World! Star calls her a “psycho” and claims she’s just gonna go ahead and plan weddings in all three locations. When you’re marrying a billionaire, why not?


I’LL TELL YOU WHY NOT: Because Life & Style says they’re just going to have one wedding, and that it will take place in St. Barts. I believe their version of the story, primarily because of all the floral details they’ve provided. “They want imported mixes of 17th century tulip bulbs,” whatever that means, as well as “Shenzhen Nongke orchids, which were developed in a lab and cost more than $200,000 per plant.” Get me an invite to this, and throw the one I got from Taylor and Calvin in the trash.

We’re All Doomed:


And Also:

  • Bachelor Ben has secretly been calling his ex-girlfriend, and it’s “going to start a war.”
  • Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch may be in it for the long haul, which I am OK with. Not that my opinion matters.
  • Lea Michele looks better than ever now that she’s broken up with that male escort.
  • Duggar thing.
  • Duggar thing.
  • Pawn Stars thing.
  • Scott Disick is telling his new “20-year-old model girlfriend” tons of secrets about Kourtney.
  • Louis Tomlinson is going to propose to some woman who isn’t his baby mama.
  • Kendall Jenner is sad about something. I have a few ideas as to what this is about, but will not speculate here.
  • Anne Hathaway and Kristin Chenoweth are “battling” each other to play Dolly Parton in an upcoming biopic, which would make a good biopic itself.
  • This headline: “Rumer Willis BROKE & LONELY: How She Wasted $4 Million Fortune”

Wrong Answer: