This Week In Tabloids: Suri's $100,000 Treehouse Has Electricity & Shag Carpeting

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we hang out with our seriously romantic boyfriends, aka gossip mags Ok!, Us, Star, In Touch and Life & Style. This week: Suri Cruise’s $100,000 tree house has shag carpeting and running water; Brad’s birthday present for Angelina involved flying to the Midwest, renting a vintage convertible and playing a mixtape he made; and Rihanna and Chris Brown are secretly “reconnecting.”

Ok!
“I’m Finally A Bride!”
It sounds like Teen Mom‘s Maci has been waiting all of her life — decades — to get married. And maybe that’s true. But she is 19. Anyway, she is gonna marry her boyfriend Kyle King, who is not the father of her 2 year-old son Bentley. Maci will not have an extravagant or elaborate wedding — it will be casual, like in Sweet Home Alabama. You know you were dying to know this. Moving along: Here’s a really good question Ok! asks about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux: “Is he good enough for America’s sweetheart?” Is anyone, really? There is a sentence here which reads: “…It was clear that Jennifer Aniston’s Smartwater bubbles bigtime for new boyfriend Justin Theroux.” See, Jen doesn’t just like Justin because he’s a hottie, she digs his brain, too. According to a source: “Justin’s a fantastic writer. He wrote Tropic Thunder, one of Jen’s favorite movies. He has a lot of other stories and screenplays. He reads them to her before bed.” Uh, sexy? But here’s how we know that this relationship is really real: Jen usually wears black, but she recently rocked a fiery red Vivienne Westwood dress, cuz she “wears color when she’s in love.” (See Fig. 1) Ashley from The Bachelorette was stabbed in the back — not literally — by Michelle Money. Something happened with Bentley and some gossiping and his ex-wife and some other stuff we do not care about; basically Money spread rumors that Ashley was an atheist and that she suffered from flatulence. Um. Yeah. Next: Aaron Carter was singing in Marbella, Spain, where people actually go see Aaron Carter sing, and he talked about Michael Jackson, saying: “I spent such incredible time with him, but I was also troubled about what he did to me. He gave me wine, he gave me drugs, then my mother called the police.” This happened when Aaron was 15, but he seems to still want to talk about it, sigh. Lastly: Emma Stone’s hair is red again, FYI.
Grade: F (your boyfriend forgets your birthday)

Life & Style
“Yes, I’m Engaged.”
Ashley from The Bachelorette is blissfully engaged to the guy she gave her final rose to, the man she chose to propose to her. But, as with all truly romantic engagements, her contractual obligations prevent her from discussing who the lucky man is. Apropos of nothing, Bentley, the asshole who said assholish things about Ashley, has an ex-wife named Suzette and a 2-year-old daughter named Cozy. COZY. Next: “Jen’s Baby Dreams Come True” is about how there may be more to Aniston’s glow than just falling in love. Apparently she’s been telling people that Justin Theroux would be a great father for her child, which is a great thing to say about someone you’ve been dating for less than 2 months. Recently he was “gushing” about his “amazing girlfriend” to a friend and whipped out his phone to show off a picture of Jen. Like someone on the planet doesn’t know who she is, or that she is amazing? Also: Justin just got signed with Jen’s talent agency. Interesting. Meanwhile, Jen is looking to adopt a new dog. Kim Kardashian’s wedding drama is how TMZ and other gossip sites are making fun of her engagement and wedding, and it is really upsetting to her. No comment. Kim’s forbidden Kris from having a bachelor party, and Kylie and Kendall might not get to be bridesmaids. Kirstie Alley would like for you to know that she can almost zip up her “goal dress,” which has a 22 inch waist. Which is the same waist measurement that Megan Fox has, bee tee dubs. Finally: Jennifer Lawrence is dating her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult, and might move to the UK.
Grade: D- (your boyfriend gives you a stripper pole as a birthday gift)

Us
“Harry & Pippa!”
Have you heard? Pippa is single! There was a rumor that she and Prince Harry had tea together, but that rumor is false. The cover promises “their love secrets,” but what you’ll find are Harry’s love “secrets” AND Pippa’s love “secrets,” and absolutely nothing about them being a couple. Because they are not. Harry’s “secret” is that he is back on with Chelsy Davy, and they are very happy together. Pippa’s “secret” is that she is single. Let’s move on. Teen Mom star Jenelle has gotten out of rehab. She says: “It wasn’t for addiction.” It was for coping with stress. Just so you know. But since she usually lives at home in North Carolina with her mom and 22-month old kid, a month in Malibu sounds pretty good. Lamar Odom accidentally sent an extremely sexually explicit and “very descriptive” text message to his teammate instead of to wife Khloe Kardshian. Oops. Reese Witherspoon’s donkeys at her Ojai farm have been “hee-hawing at a loud volume,” causing her neighbors to pen a strongly worded letter. Gerard Butler was spotted flirting with Ashley Greene at the Boom Boom Room, where she “spent two hours under his spell” and he touched her butt. They left together after he motioned to her with a finger curl. And that is how the Boom Boom Room lives up to its name. Kris Humphries went on vacation to French Polynesia with Kim Kardashian and the Kardashian Klan, and there are six pages of glorious vacation photos here, involving sea, sunshine, and lots of half-naked Kardashians. A “bikini bonanza,” in fact. Finally: In Aniston/Theroux news, they went on three dates in one week and he is living at her place in L.A. He’s thinking about staying there through the summer and has “become like a new man,” which is probably what his ex is thinking, too.
Grade: C- (your boyfriend gives you a vacuum cleaner as a birthday gift)

In Touch
“My Life Without Joe”
Teresa Giudice’s husband might go to jail for 10 years for fraudulently obtaining a driver’s license. (Keep in mind that Teresa herself is being sued over a bar brawl.) This article is basically Teresa imagining how devastating it would be if Joe gets sent to the big house. She already got a taste of the terror when Joe was in jail for eight days in September. She says she found herself waking up alone every day, trying to act strong for the children’s sake, and falling apart in private. And even though Joe talked to her every day on the phone, he says “It drove me crazy not knowing if my family was alright.” For eight days. He went insane. Ashley from The Bachelorette has been destroyed by The Bachelor. It made her lose her confidence, you see. Brad Womack is to blame for making her act so insecure and whiny. When he left her in the dust, she was worried that on The Bachelorette, none of the guys would want her and would choose to leave the show instead. Kind of terrible! Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are “bonding” over her baby. They’re filming something called Gravity together in the UK, and Sandy brings little Louis to set, where George has fallen in love with the kid and is EVEN CONSIDERING CHILDREN OF HIS OWN. Really. But. It’s made Elisabetta worry that she’ll lose George to Sandra. Snort. Kris Humphries’ family wants him to dump Kim. They think she’s way too high-maintenance, some of his friends don’t like her, and the cheating rumors only make things worse. Here is the most amazing story of the day: Brad took Angelina on a trip to the heartland to celebrate her birthday, “because he wants to do whatever it takes to capture what they once had.” They flew to his hometown, then donated $500,000 to tornado-stricken Joplin, MO. You know how she loves to give money away. Then Brad dumped the kids with his parents in Springfield, rented a $70,000 vintage convertible, made a mixtape to play — which included Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin hits from 1975, the year Angelina was born — and took her on a drive. He presented her with a bottle of fancy wine, also from 1975, and they stopped at a local motel for 2 hours, to fool around. After a dose of afternoon delight, they headed back to his parents’ house, where there was a surprise party. So completely awesome. We are ridiculously jealous. And impressed. Next: Cameron Diaz and A-Rod are being torn apart by jealousy. She hates that he goes out after games, where he is swarmed by women. But! He is actually turned on by jealous women, so all’s well that ends well or something. Lady Gaga got back together with Luc Carl, who is quitting his bartending job to be with her full-time. Her friends think he’s just taking advantage of her because he wants to be famous. By the by: Here is the woman who is having Ryan Phillllllipppppe’s baby, in case you’re curious. (See Fig. 2) Suri got a $100,000 tree house with a secret garden and spiral staircase inside. Okay, well, the house is not technically in a tree, but it is her dream house, where she can host tea parties. It also features running water, electricity and shag carpeting. And security cameras. A similar treehouse is pictured, (See Fig. 3), but we won’t rest until we see the treehouse Scientology and Mission Impossible built. Random fact: Leo bought Blake $70,000 worth of gifts while they were on their Italian vacation. Finally, Teen Mom‘s Leah’s ex-husbands’ new girlfriend is pregnant, but since they are estranged, he doesn’t know. Or now he does.
Grade: C+ (your boyfriend makes you mixtape and rents a vintage convertible as a birthday gift)

Star
“Angelina’s Secrets & Lies.”
Mickey Brett, Angelina’s former bodyguard, tried to publish a tell-all book about Angelina, but she had her lawyers gently remind him that he’d signed a confidentiality agreement. Star claims that neither Mickey nor his ghostwriter provided any information for this cover story, but obviously the “source” is someone Mickey knows. So. The source claims that in 2005, when Angelina was in Kenya, authorities raided her room in search of drugs. She had a gun held to her head and soldiers followed her until her plane took off. Other “secrets” include Angelina’s trial separation from Brad right before Shiloh was born, because he was constantly taking off on his motorcycle without telling her, and just days before she went into labor, he bought a plane to taking flying lessons. Also, in 2004, Jen confronted Angelina after seeing her number continuously popping up on Brad’s phone. The two got into a screaming match over the phone when Jen said it was “low” and “inappropriate” for Angelina to throw herself at a married man. Angelina denied everything, and Jen was driving at the time, and got so angry she almost crashed her car. Allegedly, when Angie was filming Tomb Raider in Cambodia, she took Mickey Brett along as she cruised bars, looking for girls. She also had a drug-addicted girlfriend for whom she paid to get clean, but that woman stole the money and didn’t give up drugs. Following these psuedo-scandalous tales are two spreads of “never before seen” family photos, if you want to check out old pix of Angelina, her mother and brother. (See Fig. 4) Moving on: Kate Middleton is being called a “discount duchess” and “royal recessionista” for shopping at regular stores like the plebes. She went to Boots and bought Nivea moisturizer, if you can believe it. Adele canceled her North American tour supposedly because of laryngitis, but this report claims a music exec told her she needs to lose weight. Adele — who already has stage fright and panic attacks — just got more self-conscious, to the point where her throat was starting to close up on stage. She’d started drinking heavily because she was dreading her trip to the States so much. If this is true it is a goddamned shame. Chris Brown is the “neighbor from hell,” because he plays loud music and has visitors at all hours at his condo in West Hollywood. He also has a “disrespectful manner.” Imagine that. But! Rihanna and Chris Brown are “quietly reconnecting.” She is “desperate to keep the news under wraps” but wants to give him a second chance, and even met with him at her home. Jay-Z is pissed and told her that her fans will desert her if she gets back together with Chris. Charlize Theron and Prince Harry “really clicked” at a polo match last week, and since she is moving to London later this summer, to shoot a movie, they are “already making plans” to see each other. Blake Shelton cheated on Miranda Lambert. Before they got married. While he was on the road, in July 2007 — two years into their relationship — Blake met a girl at a bar and made out with her. And in 2009, he was kissing some other girl he met at a bar in Vegas and led her by the hand onto his tour bus. And! Did you know that Blake and Miranda cheated together on Blake’s ex-wife, Kaynette? Miranda says she and Blake started dating in 2005. Blake didn’t get divorced until 2006. His ex mother-in-law tells the magazine that they did indeed start hooking up while he was still married to her daughter, “and it broke her heart.” Kaynette came home and found Miranda’s clothes all over the floor, and her boots by the door. Ouch. But it sounds like a country song is just writing itself! LeAnn and Eddie’s marriage is in crisis, because when one of Eddie’s kids arrived at home, there was a note tucked into his Sports Illustrated which read, “YOU’RE NASTY AND A WHORE.” Seems it was written for LeAnn by Eddie’s ex, Brandi. LeAnn supposedly told a friend: “I married the two of them, not just Eddie. It’s awful.” Yikes. Bradley Cooper and Zoë Saldana were caught having a “romantic hug” on the streets of Montreal. Lastly: Ryan Reynolds was asked what he took away from the Green Lantern, and answered: “A separated shoulder and a torn abdominal muscle. And of course, that the impossible is possible.”
Grade: A- (your boyfriend makes a mixtape, rents a vintage convertible and takes you on a drive to your new luxury tree house as a birthday gift)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok! (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2, from In Touch (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3, from In Touch (click to enlarge)

Fig. 4, from Star (click to enlarge)