Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we peek inside the medicine cabinets of gossip-mongers In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Kim Kardashian's joining the hot trend of adopting a brown baby; Will Smith's marriage is crumbling because he's hanging out with this one dude too much; Rihanna and Chris Brown are getting married; and Snooki and her boyfriend promise they won't screw up their kid (even though she drank heavily right before she found out she was harboring a fetus). There's a lot of gossip today, kids. Let's go!
Ok!
"Kim's Secret Adoption"
Kim Kardashian's "top secret" adoption is "already underway," although where the kid is coming from is unclear. Haiti is "at the top of her list," but "she's also drawn to China" because of the "sheer number of little girls" up for adoption there. And she definitely wants a girl. But her mom wants KK to adopt a baby from Armenia. So many choices! Meanwhile, in other adoption news, Sandra Bullock is "set to adopt a baby girl" who will be a baby sister for Louis. And there's MOAR BABY NEWS because that is all women are interested in: "TomKat does have kittens on the brain," the copy reads. Meaning: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are finally ready for baby number 2, who might already be forming inside of Joey Potter, since she wore a "full-waisted" Oscar gown at a party on Oscar night. Finally, the story titled "Pregnant Angie is Wasting Away" informs us that Brad Pitt is "frantic, fearing his partner is too malnourished to bear their impending twins." Also, the mag actually prints the words: "Angie's A Fatphobe." Call the cops!
Grade: F (antiemetic)
Life & Style
"Forced To Tell The Truth"
Guys, I only skimmed this story because my eyes kept crossing from boredom when I tried to read the printed words, but here are some key phrases: "never-ending divorce" "nasty turn" "wed him only for financial gain" "Kim's aware no one feels sorry for her" "worst time of her life." Seriously, it's enough to make you want to change the subject and just spend time watching Procatinator. Anyway! Moving on. The wedding between Ben from The Bachelor and Courtney Robertson is "on hold," since he doesn't trust her and thinks he got played. But she went and tried on wedding dresses anyway. Apparently Ben and Courtney are planning a trip, "somewhere very remote, where no one cares about The Bachelor." Hey, what about my apartment? I promise you NO ONE THERE CARES. My dog and I could not care less. The vacation will help those kids see where they really stand, without cameras rolling. Lastly: The story called "Angelina Insists: I'm Not Anorexic" does not actually have a quote from Angie in it, but it does have yellow arrows pointing to her "flaws," like "concave jawline" and "stick-thin arms" and "bony, veiny wrists." Because it doesn't matter if a woman is a UN ambassador, mother of six and director of an intense film about Bosnia — it only matters that "Hollywood thinks she's too skinny!"
Grade: F (anti-diarrheal)
In Touch
"Sandra's Risky New Romance"
Sandra Bullock was spotted hanging out with noted jackhole Brett Ratner, described here as "Hollywood's sleaziest bad boy." An eyewitness says "They definitely looked like they were more than just friends," and the mag screams, "SANDRA, NO!" on a page detailing Brett's exploits, pointing out that he's "a bigger player than Jesse" and naming the ladies he's been linked to (See Fig. 1). The article mentions how he announced that he "banged Olivia Munn three times" and also made his ex, Lindsay Lohan, get tested for STDs. But the takeway is the sidebar called "Sandra has such bad taste in men!" which points out that both Brett and Jesse James are "shockingly ignorant." Moving on! Cindy Crawford's face "looks so different" than it did about three years ago. (See Fig. 2). Courtney and Ben from The Bachelor are "being forced to fake it" since she gave back the ring he proposed with and they're no longer together. Finally, Jennifer Lawrence has gone from "sweet to sexy," and maybe possibly got a nose job? (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D- (Viagra)
Star
"The Man Who Came Between Them!"
This is a weird story with a weird angle: The mag alleges that "as his marriage crumbles," Will Smith is "finding comfort" in Duane Martin. They have constant "boys' nights," and a recent itinerary included a wine bar and a private cruise in Trinidad, dining out at a restaurant and attending an art opening in Miami, then CES in Las Vegas and back to Trinidad. The copy claims that "some speculate" the two are lovers — but you get the feeling that by "some," they mean, "we, the editors at Star." Anyway, Jada "can't stand" Will's relationship with Duane — who, beeteedubs, is married to Tisha Campbell — and the kids are unhappy and Will has moved into a $7 million bachelor pad and everything is a mess. Let's move on. Snooki and J-Woww are "miserable" while filming their Jersey Shore spinoff: "Jenni thought the show was supposed to be about friendship," says a source, but Snickers is causing all kinds of drama with her pregnancy, so she and Jenni are fighting all the time. When they're on camera, they act like nothing is wrong. Sigh. Hilarie Burton — who was on TRL, One Tree Hill and now White Collar — is engaged to Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Nose wrinkle. Britney Spears' wedding is off for now, since she has to go to trial in September. Blind item! "Which Hollywood couple of nearly 10 years are headed for Splitsville? Hint: He arrived at the Oscars alone, while she stayed home with their two kids." In Bachelor "news," Courtney once posed nude for a Bruce Weber Abercrombie & Fitch shoot, cue the pearl-clutching! And last, but not least: Rihanna and Chris Brown "will get married very soon," according to an insider. He proposed in November, but she wasn't ready, but then in February, she said yes. Rihanna's former nanny says there will be some kind of top secret event in late March: "Rihanna called for me personally. I'm coming to LA for a special occasion. I have a ticket." Well, fuck.
Grade: C (heartburn treatment)
Us
"OMG! I'm Pregnant!"
Inside, the story is called, "We Are Not Going to Screw This Up," which is always a great way to announce a pregnancy (See Fig. 4). Snooki and Jionni talk about morning sickness and priorities. When the pregnancy test came back positive, Snooki's first thought was: "Shit, I've been drinking!" of course. "I was worried," she says. "It was NewYear's Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy." Jionni's first thought: "I got on my knees and said 'Nooo!' It was a joke." Snooki also reveals: "My dad was upset. He said, 'You have your whole life ahead of you.' We didn't talk for a week." When it comes to future plans for the kid, Jionni says: "She wants a cheerleader, and I want an athlete. If it's a girl, she's not dating until she is 18." Snooki disagrees: "I'm letting her date. I started dating at 13." Jionni says:"If it's a boy, he will obviously play every sport possible. If it's a girl…" Snooki interrupts: "She will be pretty, popular and wear animal prints!" As for names, Snooki says: "I want something Italian and normal. Not like Blanket. Or Lamp." (I love Lamp!) Anyway, don't expect these kids to get married right away. They're living with Jionni's parents in New Jersey, and Snooki says: "We will focus on the baby first. I want to have the baby, lose the weight and have the baby in the wedding." Jionni agrees: "It's at least a year away." Also inside: Demi Moore is out of rehab, and asking about Ashton and his ladyfriend Lorene Scafaria. Effie Trinket looks like Princess Anne (See Fig. 5). Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson have been texting and calling every day, but "it's not romantic at all, they're just friends." Scarlett Johansson is not speaking to Ryan Reynolds anymore. Courtney and Ben from The Bachelor are engaged, because after the After The Final Rose taping, he gave her another ring, one he bought himself. And finally, Lindsay Lohan has been "destroyed by plastic surgery," although perhaps no plastic and no surgery are to blame but instead injectable filler Restylane. (See Fig. 6)
Grade: A (folic acid)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from Us
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Us