Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we skim the bugs and fallen leaves of "news" from the tabloid swimming pools of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style and Star. This week, Kris Jenner's drunk and getting divorced; Taylor Swift can't wait to be a movie star; and Snooki is starving herself.
"Scott's Battle to Keep Mason"
A model named Michael Girgenti has claimed that he, and not Scott "American Psycho" Disick, is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's son Mason. No one believes this or cares except for this mag, apparently. The only other story of note in this issue? "Taylor Takes Hollywood," in which a "close friend" asserts that "Taylor has wanted to be a movie star ever since she was a child." She was "devastated" when she didn't get a part in Les Mis, but will not give up until her dreams come true. She thinks her conservative image is working against her, so as soon as she's finished touring, she will revamp her image and be more edgy. Can't wait.
Grade: F (dead rat in the pool)
Life & Style
"The Virgin Bachelor's Double Life"
It would be really exciting if this so-called Double Life involved Sean The Bachelor doing weird illicit pagan rituals consisting of smearing pigeon shit all over his body and singing songs from Victor/Victoria but alas: This story is about how fame has gone to Sean's head and he acts like a frat boy, ordering shots and flirting with Peta Heavens to Murgatroyd instead of doting on his TV-arranged fiancée Catherine. She's in tears because the wedding has taken a backseat and zzzzzzzz. Also inside: Lady Gaga hobbled into a yoga class in NYC wearing kitten heels, which is not a great idea since she's recovering from surgery, and "she can barely walk without assistance." She has "bouts of despair" and it's "killing her" to put her career on hold, according to unknown sources. Halle Berry is pregnant and wants her new family to move to France, except they can't, because of custody issues with Nahla. Drew Barrymore says, "I would rather kill myself than get in a bikini." and Miley and Liam were supposed to get married in June but that ain't gonna happen.
Grade: D- (bees in the pool)
"Paid to Get Fat!"
Kim Kardashian was out and about and "her boobs looked huge," yes, apparently we are still talking about this. Kim ate a "large cup of creamy frozen yogurt topped with strawberries and sweet peaches" because she is a MONSTER who destroys lives, the Godzilla of Calabasas. Anyway, the New York Post (like last week's Star magazine) claims she is purposely gaining weight to try and get a weight-loss deal after she has the baby, but most of this story is the usual fat-shamey toro caca: She's "hooked on fast food," has "desserts galore" and her "breast size has rocketed to an F and forced her to wear medical-grade bras." OMG someone call the cops. Also inside: Sean The Bachelor ordered shots and Catherine The Fiancée snapped "Why did you get me this?" and he yelled back "I thought you wanted it!" and this 2 second exchange turned into a story called "They're Faking It." A source known for being deep yet succinct says: "They don't seem very in love." Finally, "Boob Job Blunders" mocks women with implants, as though tabloid magazines are not somehow partly responsible for women believing that their bodies are not good enough the way they are. By all means, let's try something new and focus on women's bodies! (Fig. 1)
Grade: D (pee in the pool)
"Kris Drunk & Alone"
For starters, I really need someone to Photoshop my head onto this cover. Inside, the story goes like this: The Kardashian-Jenners spent Easter together, and after church and egg-hunting, Bruce dropped a bomb on the kids: He's divorcing Kris and has already had a lawyer get the paperwork together. "He said he wanted the children to hear it from him," says a source who is either a throw pillow or a delicate glass objét. Kris is not happy about his plans, and told him she would make his life a living hell before she stormed out in tears. (Storming Out™ is a patented Brad Pitt move, so this information is dubious.)Anyway, the kids are taking sides. Kim used to be on her mom's side, but Kanye doesn't want to "monetize" their baby so she is "starting to reconsider her allegiance" to KJ. Rob has been craving attention from Kris for years, but he was always the last thing on her mind. And so on. Then there's a bunch of run-together sentences about how Bruce called Kris a drunk and she called him a spineless loser and since no one likes it when mom and dad fight, let's go hide in a closet until this is over. Bruce never wanted to get a divorce because Kris threatened to reveal his penchant for cross-dressing if they broke up, but now he's realized he'd rather have her air his dirty laundry (lingerie?) than keep living a miserable life with her. The end. Moving on! Snooki only eats lettuce and egg whites and uses laxatives and is down to 84 lbs. (Fig. 2) "She looks emaciated," a source declares. Since she has a history of eating disorders, this is troubling, but as usual, this weight estimation comes from a "weight loss expert" who has never met Snickers and just gets paid to talk shit about celebrity bodies. Usher acts like an egocentric entitled brat on the set of The Voice and Adam Levine, who talks to everyone on set from the stagehand to the producer, hates it. Now that she's lost weight, Christina Aguilera also plans to lose her boyfriend Matthew Rutler. "Christina plans on being officially single by the time she begins promoting her new album," an insider claims. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are not living in wedded bliss because he watches TV 50 hours a week and she's sick of it. Britney Spears has put her new boyfriend on her payroll; he manages her calendar. Wonder how much that pays? Eva Mendes walks around the house naked and Ryan Gosling wishes she'd put some clothes on, since every time he brings a friend or colleague home she's rocking the emperor's new clothes. Kim Kardashian is obsessed with laser hair removal and has forced Kanye West to go bare as well. Finally, there's a list of the 20 Most Hated in Hollywood. Chris Brown is number 20; Lindsay is 16; Katherine Heigl is 5, John Mayer is 4 and Goop Paltrow is number 1. Congrats!
Grade: C (pool too cold)
"Baby Weight Battles"
Us has always been the softer, gentler tabloid, and this story is all about how Kim and Kate are "sick of being bullied" and "ignore the haters." There story points to cruel covers of In Touch and Star as being part of the problem, and an "insider" says: "Unflattering photos of Kim are selling so well, it's become like a sport for photographers to shoot her from awful angles." Meanwhile, Kate gets attacked for not gaining enough weight. The editors got a quote on this important issue from icon Gloria Steinem, who says: "Our bodies are not public property. It's wrong!" Also inside: Just say no to President Obama with Bradley Cooper's curls. (Fig. 3) We're strangely attracted to Ian Somerhalder's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me." (Fig. 4) Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are pitching a scripted comedy TV show loosely based on their lives together. They would play themselves? "Kind of like Curb Your Enthusiasm"? And there would be a crazy ex-wife. Cough. Jay-Z surprised Beyoncé with that trip to Cuba: He pulled her from rehearsals in NYC, saying, "I've got a surprise," and the next thing she knew they were having dinner in Havana. A+, would buy again. Finally, speaking of surprises, Halle Berry didn't realize she was pregnant at first. She was "definitely trying," according to a "chum," but thought she was going through menopause. Since discovering she is indeed enceinte, she has made Olivier Martinez sign a contract, a baby prenup, if you will. Basically, he has agreed to make sure she gets child support if they break up. Civil.
Grade: B (drinks in the pool)