This Week In Tabloids: Pregnancies, Nose Jobs, Cheating & Sex Tapes

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we “read” the celebrity weeklies so you don’t “have” to. Contributing editor Margaret assists as we dissect In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star.

Ok!
“The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant”
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are “signals” that she is pregnant, for instance: she “looked happy” at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but “that’s not dashing her baby dreams.” According to a 2005 article, she said “I never said I didn’t want to have children. I did and I do and I will.” Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, “Don’t believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged.” Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there’s no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
“Twilight’s Hot Hookups: Back On!”
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: “The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that’s very important.” Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there’s a pixelated image of Pattinson’s GQ cover. Moving on: The story called “Jen and John: It’s Over!” seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer’s Twitters. For instance, the one which says: “There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G’night” clearly means that he “just wasn’t that into” Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the “before” and “after” pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called “Everyone’s Affected By The Recession” mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of “Wedding Gowns With Personality,” which are actually just white designer dresses, if you’re into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
“How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks”
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: “Her stomach and legs look much thinner.” The mag claims this is due to making “smart choices” in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, “Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned.” Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a “shotgun” wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy’s rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag “Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance.” This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, “She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs.” A story titled “Robert Thinks He’s Ugly” is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, “Sometimes I think I look as if I’ve had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it’s had a face lift. A really bad one!” He also says he has a “butt chin.” There’s more, but you get the point. “How Brad Came Between John & Jen” says that “Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John’s nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive.” Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, “Get ready, I’m about to pay for your kids’ college.” Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don’t you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is “Inspired by C3P0” (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, “Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy.” Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, “People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried.”
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
“$10 Million Tell-All”
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston’s juicy secrets. A pal says: He’s been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, “I can’t compete with the sexiest man alive.” Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn’t really a “juicy” secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — “and she doesn’t look like the girl next door.” And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: “Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous” Details Gwyneth Paltrow’s nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn’t treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it’s subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William “popped the question” to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: “Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA’s Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive.” Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: “Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob.” Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that “accented a slight bulge in her belly.” Plus: “At one point,” an insider tells Star, “she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly.” Oh dear: “Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!” Exclamation point the mag’s, not ours. An insider says: “They’ve had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them.” Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there’s a piece called “Incredible Shrinking Dudes,” with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies’ bodies! Lastly: “Step Stars: They’re not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners’ kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!”
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
“Caught In An Affair.”
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: “I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it.” Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are “more like best friends. You don’t feel any sexual heat.” And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She “summoned” publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was “unkempt” and “out of it” at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: “It was amicable, they both wanted different things.” or: “John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now” or: “It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy” or “Her friends suspected he was using her for press” or: “The whole thing is a publicity stunt they’re both in on” or: “She’s always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be on again tomorrow.”
Grade: C (owl pellet)