This Week in Tabloids: Name One Person Who's Ever Called Melania the 'Slovenian Sphinx'!

Melania Trump’s shocked mug—or her body double’s—unfortunately crash landed on In Touch this week. There isn’t much of note inside, besides the usual American Media pandering to its Republican readership. The “juicy scoop” (if it could even be called that) concerns a nickname given to her by New York Times op-ed bedbug—I mean, “columnist”—Maureen Dowd three years ago in an article titled “Solving the Riddle of the Slovenian Sphinx and the Pussy Bow.” Like most things Dowd is infamous for writing, the piecenaturally panned and the nickname was forgotten by everyone except an anonymous editor at In Touch. (I’m sure whoever kept that in their back pocket throughout this presidency is incredibly fun at parties.)

Anyways, I’m also told that Melania has been publicly “riddled” with anxiety, evident in her proclamation at the NYSE about “[following] your dreams” and being “the best at what you do.” Ominous! Insiders claim the stress of impeachment proceedings against her husband been “unbearable,” and she’s doing all she can to protect the couple’s sole heir, Barron. The most shocking claim? That Melania plans to “spearhead” the anti-impeachment efforts and save her family from the guillotine. Best of luck!

Thankfully, it’s a light gossip week. In Touch claims that Felicity Huffman’s jail cell was named “America’s Cushiest Prison” in 2009, Teyana Taylor “kicked off the McDonald’s Beat of My City tour,” and “Tracee Ellis Ross played with a limited edition Jean-Michel Basquiat deck from the UNO Artiste Series in LA.” Star informs me Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves will be unveiling their decades-long romance any moment. Juicy Joe, amidst his impromptu “move” back to Italy, is apparently “ready for his new life.” Insiders claim Adam Levine wants back on The Voice after making the “shocking” announcement he quit the gig earlier this year. And speaking of Felicity Huffman, former “Hollywood madam” Heidi Fleiss has also issued a warning for the actress: “You don’t know what you’re in for!”

I’d also like to briefly touch on the annual Fall Fashion Week event at the PH-D Lounge at The Dream Downtown Hotel, put on my American Media’s sister tabloids Ok! and In Touch. As previously reported, the party was sponsored by by SweeTART’s #BeBoth campaign, L.A. Colors, Polatoir, Nature’s Bounty Beauty, J&J Snack Foods Whole Fruit Fruit Bars, Heartbar Oatmeal Squares, Bartenura Wines, Heineken, SVEDKA vodka, and Icelandic Glacial Water. Thankfully, Ok! Has issued another round of exclusive gossip from NYFW’s most exclusive event:

• Someone named Kyle Cooke had fun with some SweeTART candy bars.
• A lady named Paige DeSorbo drank a mixed beverage.
• Anonymous Instagram influencers drew on the walls.
• Kameron Westcott was photographed with an ice cold Icelandic Glacial Water plastic bottle.
• Jackie Goldschneider, famed New Jersey housewife and mommy blogger, drank Bartenura.
• Ashley Smith, who I refuse to google, got her makeup done by an LA Color artist I’m almost positive was not paid enough to endure this.
• Ice-T posed with his publicist and a popsicle.
• As previously reported, but ever important to mention: DJ Tom Macari kept the sick beats flowing.

As for this week’s blind item, In Touch has given us a solid set of easily solvable clues:

This super-friendly Housewife loved to entertain when she had a house in the Hamptons, but little did she know what went on in her house when she wasn’t looking. One weekend, two male guests—who hadn’t known each other before this—snuck off and had a quickie in the basement.

It’s obviously Luann De Lesseps, right? She famously moved away from the celebrity invested resort town after paparazzi allegedly hid in her bushes on time. (It could have also been an effort to pay down her massive legal bills, but De Lesseps has remained silent on the matter.) She also surrounds herself with plenty of men who might sneak off with other men, whether they be her cabaret director, various makeup artists, and any number of Jovani-adjacent designers and creatives who worship her.

We also know that it couldn’t be Ramona or Bethenny as both still own property in the Hamptons. Sonja would have already told this story publicly, I can’t imagine any gay men choosing to spend any amount of time in Jill Zarin’s company, and we all know Tinsley Mortimer’s mother would never give her the trust fund money to even rent a property in the Hamptons. (Besides, she’d never leave the hotel room she calls her sanctuary.)

In couple news, Star reports that Katie Holmes is secretly dating her co-star from The Secret, Josh Lucas. Yikes! Sources claim John Mayer and Halsey are “friends with benefits,” which I think is perfect for them. Imagine—during Halloween this year, they could resurrect Katy Perry’s vampire couple costume from 2012. (Halsey is into that goth shit, right?) Elsewhere, Life & Style claims original flavor Jessie J, Jenna Dewan, was proposed to by boyfriend Steve Kazee while Mandy Moore fought to save her marriage. The “Candy” singer’s plan?

“Go on tour with husband Taylor Goldsmith after she releases her forthcoming album, in the hopes that hitting the road together will give them a chance to reconnect following a rocky first year of marriage.”

Nothing screams couple’s therapy like a months long stint on a tour bus across the country! What else?

• Kylie Jenner really hates it when there’s dust in cups.
• Cara Delevingne fell in love with her gym teacher when she was five.
• Jennifer Lopez came out as someone who hires people to shop for her groceries.
• Jake Gyllenhaal loves to sweat.
• Emily Osment and Elizabeth Banks attempted to wear it better than the other, but were both unsuccessful in the attempt.
• A bunch of celebrities are falling in love with Bachelor nobodies.