Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we notice that all of today’s tabloids are for the week of December 20 and get really sad that the holiday season is almost over and we haven’t watched all the movies we’ve been meaning to watch, like The Family Stone and Home Alone and Christmas Vacation and, when we’re feeling like a good cry, The Best Man Holiday.
This week: mostly the same old shit, plus a little new shit.
Oh thank god, more details on this head-scratcher that came out of nowhere* and invading celebrity news headlines earlier this week. Tarek and Christina El Moussa are the “golden couple” at the center of Flip or Flop, a home improvement reality show on HGTV (*that’s what I meant when I said “nowhere”), and were presumed to be in a marriage as happy as Chip and Joanna Gaines’s. But apparently they were actually as happy as me when I watch Chip and Joanna Gaines’s marriage, which is to say they were furious. The two split up in May after Tarek grabbed his gun, ran outside their house, and threatened to “blow off some steam,” whatever that means.
To help clear things up, the couple sent In Touch a statement. How nice of them. It reads:
“Together, we have decided to separate while we reevaluate the future of our marriage. Like many couples, we have had challenges in our marriage [but] there was no violence and no charges were filed.”
But even though they straight up told the magazine they were only separating, In Touch was quick to be like, “[aaaaccccctually] the marriage is over” after speaking with a few loose-lipped sources. “Both of them are dating other people, [and] there’s not a chance of them getting back together.” Good to know! Now I never have to think about them again.
The other shit in this issue involves The Duggars (if you think I will talk about two trash reality shows in a single magazine’s writeup you are out of your mind), The Bachelor (see above), Kim’s “shocking illness” (spoiler: they never say what the mystery disease is but suggest that it could be anything from anemia to cancer), Joe Simpson’s ongoing battle with prostate cancer (“I am doing everything the doctors are telling me to do. I’m looking for a miracle”), and this great item about Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo making a scene and a half at dinner recently.
Said a witness, “Almost as soon as they sat down, Behati started lecturing Adam about something he clearly didn’t want to hear.” While the witness could provide no details regarding the reason for the fight, they did provide this:
“Adam was nervously rubbing his hands together to keep his calm, trying to enjoy his vegan chicken parmigiana and bottle of wine.”
Miranda Lambert was dumped by her “hunky, young” Blake Shelton rebound with a fake name, Anderson East, for what might be the best raison de dumpé I’ve heard all year. A source says that East “feels that she’s never really gotten over Blake,” something best exemplified by another insider who claims “she accidentally called Anderson ‘Blake’ one night in bed!”
This is incredible for several reasons: 1) It’s wild to imagine that Blake Shelton is actually good enough in bed to warrant a slip of the tongue like this (speaking of tongues, I bet he never uses his), and 2) Breaking up with someone because they called you the wrong name is the PERFECT subject for a hit song by Miranda Lambert, only the guy would be calling Miranda the wrong name, not the other way around, and 3) This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that would happen to Miranda in an episode of Sex and the City.
In other news, Julia Roberts is mega pissed off that she wasn’t cast in Ocean’s 8 (no she’s not), Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t shake hands with people because she’s afraid of germs (or maybe because she just doesn’t like people?), and James Corden is a “nightmare” to work with (I’ll allow this one), Kris Jenner wants her daughter Kim to “divorce Kanye for her sake” (so that she can date him instead?), and Jennifer Lopez may soon be fucking Derek Hough (excuse me while I go make noises that sound like “hough” while heaving into a toilet bowl.
And finally, I have a few questions about this:
OK! is still running with the story that Kate Middleton is pregnant, and they’ve decided to peg this lie to the holiday season. “For the royals, it’s a very happy holiday indeed,” they write after referring to the rumored child as a “Christmas baby.” In what world is this a Christmas baby, OK? She’s only three months pregnant (according to you), which would mean she’s due to give birth sometime next summer. Are you saying any child that is being gestated during the month of December is a Christmas baby? If so, that means that, like, 75 percent of children are Christmas babies? Am I doing that math right? Whatever, the best detail in this story is that a Royal Palace insider claims “there was a loud cheer and the sound of champagne corks popping” when Kate revealed the news. I imagine something a little more subdued and formal. Like the muted applause of people wearing expensive gloves, three or four people clearing their throats, and William sort of half-whispering, “Thank you, thank you,” as Kate smiles and says nothing.
Bella and Gigi Hadid hate their father’s new fiancée, 30-year-old Shiva Safi, because she’s “opinionated and bossy” (I weirdly find it hard to believe that the three of them don’t get along), Katy Perry wants Orlando Bloom to “stop partying” (but then we won’t get anymore iconic photos!), and Charlize Theron is being mean to some Who named Sasha Pieterse because “she doesn’t like that there’s another blonde South African on the scene” (as though Charlize is nice to anyone).