This Week In Tabloids: Megyn Kelly's Desperate Comeback Plan Involves an On-Camera Duel With Donald Trump?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has rekindled her one-sided feud with the haunted victorian doll known as Megyn Kelly. In the ever prescient words of Lana Del Rey, “U know the addy. Pull up anytime. Say it to my face. But if I were you- I wouldn’t.”

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Once again, “The Palace confirms!” is shorthand for “an anonymous inside source who refuses to be named informed us of their suspicions.” Thank god for my self-imposed embargo on Kate Middleton coverage. (In the words of Prince George himself: “Mommy, you’re rubbish.”) Let’s pivot instead to my favorite gossip of the week: Meghan Markle’s rumored split with Priyanka Jonas. I’d like to believe the latter donned a Party City mustache, marched into the In Touch offices, and delivered the news herself. It’s a much better look than having your third string assistant call the tip hotline masquerading as an “insider!”

Regardless, the alleged falling out began when the Duchess declined a press appearance at the first (of many) wedding receptions. Despite her excuse (it was a long way to travel while pregnant), Markle hosted a Jonas-less baby shower in New York City. The same distance from the palace as India! Who could blame the Isn’t It Romantic star for hurt feelings? An appearance from the Sussex’s would have been great exposure for the Jonas’ Vogue cover! Side note: the longer I write about this particular ruling class, the more I’ve come to realize the only royal export of any worth is Grade AAA BEEF. With that in mind, I’d like this particular feud medium-rare, thinly sliced, and paired with a bold California zinfandel!

In less important news, singer Camila Cabello was once unfairly bullied by her fans for a purported “food baby.” In response, the MasterCard spokeswoman responded:

“Guys don’t be crazy. I’VE BEEN TOURING AMERICA EATING DELICIOUS FOODS LEAVE ME AND MY BELLY ALONE.”

Maybe we should tap Ms. Cabello for the International Summit on Stan Rights? There’s also a recent report alleging Jonathan and Drew Scott earned over $500 million last year. Why anyone would advertise themselves as a future casualty of the class war is beyond me, but they have to pay for all those magic tricks somehow! Lorde was photographed kickboxing and Neil Patrick Harris dragged his husband to a sponsored burger event.

There’s also this deranged photo of Vanessa Hudgens and the somebody she’s dating from a spread on “Cuddled Up Couples!” A few thoughts:

Wrapping your legs around ANYONE in public should be a federal offense.
She had to take off her hat to kiss him because his snapback was in the way. Straight people problems!
Her Doc Martens (not pictured) somehow explain this entire moment.
A little Instagram sleuthing reveals she was en-route to the encore performance of Rent Live. It’s the perfect footnote to an already deranged photo-op.

There’s also coverage of an interview that Adrian McManus, Michael Jackson’s former maid, gave to Australia’s 60 Minutes. She claims the pop icon instructed his bodyguards to threaten her life after she learned of the evil at the heart of Neverland Ranch. Fearing for her safety, it took McManus almost a decade to come forward and serve as a witness in the 2005 criminal trial over the molestation of 13-year old Gavin Arvizo. After watching her recent interview and HBO’s Leaving Neverland, I stand firm in my belief that Michael Jackson was a(n alleged) predator that escaped the many (many) trials against him with the help of God-like fame and enormous wealth. Regardless of your personal sentiments, there’s no explanation for his relationships to the children he invited to Neverland. When was the last time you bought the friendship of a 12-year-old? How often do you take the children of strangers into your home and sleep in bed with them? And worse, his defenders repeatedly asserting his innocence with “He won his criminal trials!” is the same defense put forth by R. Kelly and his lawyers. I’ll rest my case with that.

What else:

Busy Philipps locked Steve Carell in a box on live television.
Halsey was photographed in Mickey Mouse ears.
Antoni (Last Name Here) sat courtside at Kate Beckinsale’s tongue wrestling match against Pete Davidson.
According to a source, A-Rod was overheard describing J.Lo’s arms as “super strong and defined.” In Touch’s two cents? “Look at his exes! They’ve all had muscular arms!”
Dancing With the Somebodys star Peta Murgatroyd gave In Touch ANOTHER “exclusive interview.” (She’s obsessed with My Best Friend’s Wedding and Cards Against Humanity.)

Lastly, let’s guess this blind item together:

“This fairly new reality star is already comfortable battling it out with her more famous castmates, but she has a small problem. Her famous family wants nothing to do with her reality show and has actually banned her from using her cellphone at family functions. They’re afraid of being secretly filmed!”

(My guess? Teddi Jo Mellencamp, John Mellencamp, and Meg Ryan!)

Ok!:

This is going to be an exhausting issue, isn’t it? Let’s begin our journey through this cover with Taylor Swift and her boyfriend, Joe Alwyn. What fascinates me most about their relationship is how obviously managed it is.

“The anti-drama courtship […] ‘is the most stable relationship she’s ever had’- due in large part to their down low dating, which they only come out and publicize for special occasions (like a loved up outing at the Vanity Fair Oscars party).”

While I normally curb my tin-hatting, it is an odd strategy to keep your relationship private by exclusively showing up to heavily publicized events. I can see the machinations of their publicists so clearly! Further in is a badly disguised “source” speculating on JLo’s future wedding within days of the A-lister making her engagement public. And are you worried for Sandra Bullock considering she “SAID NO TO THE RING?” Her drama-filled rejection of a $5 million wedding band was, in actuality, her attempt to make their alleged engagement “about their feelings for each other, rather than something flashy.” Two publicists in Party City disguises and a misleading headline? It must have been a slow news week!

Let’s consciously uncouple from the cover and dive in to my favorite tabloid fixture, “Where Are They Now?” I’m told that Saved By the Bell had Millennials everywhere trapped in its Saturday morning clutches. It also ended in 1993, a full two years before me and my Gen Z cohorts crawled up from hell to ruin your favorite things. This should be fun!

Tiffani Thiessen: The ex-Cooking Channel host recently released a cookbook.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar: He has two first names and stars in television show about vampires.
Elizabeth Berkley: She achieved universal superstardom in 1995 with a starring role in Showgirls and ascended from our mortal plane.
Mario Lopez: He hosts Extra, a syndicated newsmagazine watched at gas station pumps and nail salons across America.
Dustin Diamond: He’s been much busier than his former costars! Not only did he release a sex tape filmed by stunt doubles in 2006, he stabbed a man in 2014 and violated his parole in 2016!
Lark Voorhies: After a strange interview surfaced in 2012, her mother informed the press her daughter had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Voorhies later dispelled her mother’s allegations, revealing a difficult battle with Lupus. I’m wishing her the best!

Moving on, I’d like to address an unending series of sponsored content I’ve been subjected to in every major tabloid. As I’ve previously mentioned, Eva Longoria and Camila Mendes staged photographs for an Old Navy check. Not only have the same tabloids run these photographs for months, they fail to mention these “photo ops” are endorsed by Old Navy. We’ve seen Instagram influencers get the FTC smackdown for failing to disclose #spon, so when is the tabloid reckoning? Even more insidious is the clever rollout of releasing each photo in individual issues before pairing them up for “Who Wore It Better?” While extremely savvy, it’s an unsettling reminder that celebrity culture has fully enmeshed itself in the mass market consumerism that’s tearing our planet apart.

What’d I miss?

Mama June is unfortunately returning to television.
Julianne Moore is “pretty happy.”
Anyone want to start a prayer circle for Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell?
Cindy Crawford gave a interview on parenting advice that thinly veiled the nepotism fueling her children’s careers.
Teddi Jo Mellencamp promoted her “accountability coaching” services.
Nicole Richie outed herself as the only Richie with a sliver of sense. According to friends of the family, “Nicole wants [Sofia Richie] to […] cut her losses” and dump noted creep Scott Disick.

Life & Style:

Skipping past this cover, let’s discuss the allegation that Megyn Kelly is “plotting her return to television.” Maybe she’s looking to renovate the crypt she haunts and already burnt through her “Blackface Is Totally Ok” severance fund? Maybe she’s cut ties with the Santa Claus Is Definitely White Lobby and needs the money to pay her white woman membership fees? Regardless, sources claim her current plot involves arguing with Donald Trump on national television in the run up to the 2020 election. It would, at the very least, secure her a seat among the International Alliance of Chaos Merchants! At the worst, culture writers everywhere would overload the Hot Take Industrial Complex and destroy the internet completely. It’s my least favorite choose your own adventure game to date!

There’s also an uncharacteristically scathing takedown of the Kardashians in defense of Jordyn Woods. Here’s the allegations Jordyn might come forward with, according to sources:

Tristan Thompson repeatedly cheated on Khloe Kardashian, their relationship was manufactured, and he resents her for “controlling his life and career.”
Kris Jenner constantly fights with and manipulates her daughters while “boozing it up.”
Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott are engaged in endless screaming matches.
Each sister has revealed to Jordyn how competitive they are each other, routinely bad mouthing the others. (Show me siblings that DON’T do this!)

What’s brilliant about this particular gossip? “Here’s what Jordyn might say” is the perfect segue into detailing the well known rumors haunting the Kardashian Klan without implicating Jordyn in the reveal. Two birds meet one stone! Finally, without much else to this issue:

Rachel Brosnahan was formerly a wrestler!
Kristin Cavallari is juggling “a reality show, a lifestyle brand, and three kiddos.”
Ellen Degeneres is “eyeing a replacement” from a shortlist including Ellie Kemper, Neil Patrick Harris, and Chrissy Teigen. Don’t make me choose!
Camila Cabello was told by God in a dream that her fans were mad at her.

Us Weekly:

I won’t pretend to have closely followed his career, nor will I bore you with 90210 anecdotes you’ve already heard. But having recently lived through a similar death of someone as equally young and vibrant, Luke Perry’s passing struck a particularly deep chord in me. The only thing we can do in this life is to live with intent and cherish the time we’re blessed to spend with friends and loved ones. That being said, I have a rule on never following up an In Memoriam with needless snark. It’s quite literally the least I could do.