Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we round up all our Besties For the Resties, go to the Taylor Swift show, run into our favorite celebrities, befriend all of them, text them casually for the next few weeks, start hanging out IRL a couple months later, appear in each other’s Instagrams, and go to the Oscars with one of them, because that’s just what happens in LA! This week, Kylie thinks her fans are “gross,” Josh Duggar dug a porn star, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson can’t find Chet, and the Kardashian sisters have so many sex tapes.
Now let’s hop in an Uber and get going! Actually, hold on. Can you accept my Uber fare split first? Yeah, just click through. I know, but it would just be easier if we split it now and didn’t worry about giving each other cash later. Yes. But that’s why the fare split feature exists. It’s easy. You just accept. Ugh, give me your phone. Tap this, then this, look. See? There. It’s split. We’re finished. I’m not rude I’m making things easier for both of us! I don’t want to talk about this now. Back to the tabloids.
KYLIE MEANEST GIRL IN HOLLYWOOD
This is the best cover I’ve seen since taking over Midweek Madness. The secondary stories aren’t very interesting, but the Kylie one—in headline/bullet form—is just unfathomably good. She thinks her fans are gross! She’s the meanest girl in Hollywood! Her ex-friends hate her! She lied about being pregnant! She thinks Khloe is ugly! SHE THREW HER BIRTHDAY GIFTS IN THE GARBAGE! She threw them in the garbage! This is how you sell magazines, magazine people. I want to buy every copy of this in town and wallpaper my apartment in it. I want the first thing I see every morning to be a pink circle, tilted about 20 degrees, that says, “MY FANS ARE GROSS.” But enough about the cover—let’s open it up and get more details! Kylie thinks she’s her family’s “fastest rising star,” but sources say “she’s demanding, arrogant, and incredibly rude.” The source also says that—unlike her sisters—she’s very mean to her fans. “At events...she actively avoided them, [and] on social media, she mocks them.” But fans aren’t the only targets of her meanness, she’s “pushed almost all [of her friends] to the side” and “people are starting to steer clear of her.” She also “trashes Kim for copying her style, [is] cruel about Rob’s depression, calls Khloe ‘the ugly sister,’ and threw 18th birthday “gifts she found tacky straight into the trash.”
And now, the rest of it. Joe Guidici has been partying like crazy, much to the detriment of his daughters. Sources say he’s a “completely unfit parent” and his children are “all scared to death of him.” You know the whole Kelly Rutherford/Daniel Giersch/kids thing? Well that’s still going on, and OK! says Kelly has a “shady past,” including an ex-husband she abandoned after he fell ill. You know what? I don’t want to write about this anymore.
- Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich have “insane chemistry.”
- Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green “rarely shared a bed.”
- Ryan Reynolds is “really invested” in the success of his Deadpool co-star Brianna Hildebrand, whatever that means.
- Amy Poehler refuses to be photographed with her boyfriend, Nick Kroll.
- Bradley Cooper and his newest best friend Irina Shayk are moving in together.
- Jen and Justin are “loving” couples therapy.
- Chris Pine is constantly cheating on Vail Bloom.
- Vail Bloom is someone’s name.
Grade: B+ (You go through Kylie Jenner’s garbage and find a lot of great stuff to take home.)
OTHER WOMAN TELLS ALL: JOSH DUGGAR CHEATED WITH ME
Well what do you know? In Touch has another Duggar exclusive. They interviewed a porn star named Danica Dillon who claims she “had sex with Josh in March and April,” and that he didn’t wear a condom. “Although the sex was consensual, she adds, ‘It was very traumatic. I’ve had rough sex before, but this was terrifying.” Dillon passed a polygraph test “conducted by In Touch by a top certified polygrapher.” The piece includes a picture of her, in lingerie, smiling happily while clutching a framed photo of Josh. Cool, now I want to barf. Moving on. One Direction is probably going to go from separated to officially broken up soon, because sources say they’re fighting constantly. “They don’t even attend recording sessions together anymore. Everyone is done.” Once Harry leaves, the band will collapse on itself like some kind of black hole, and then we’ll be able to travel through it to find Zayn alone on a distant planet in a distant universe. What else, what else. Oh! Jared Fogel is disgusting and not worth reading more than four words about. What ellllllse. Newly single Gwen Stefani “doesn’t want a boyfriend, she wants a daughter.” So she’s adopting a baby girl soon. Apparently Gavin didn’t want a fourth child, and now she’s free to do whatever she wants. Caitlyn Jenner was been doing whatever she wants, too, and what she wants to do is drink a lot. At a recent event, a very hammered Caitlyn allegedly “acted like a total wino” and “polished off a couple bottles of chardonnay all by herself” and soon became “totally disheveled.”
- Every famous person is flyboarding.
- Every famous person is at Disneyland.
- Kim Kardashian set Kourtney up with Drake?
- Orlando Bloom is obsessed with buying underwear.
- Jordin Sparks is obsessed with eating pickles.
- Brian Austin Green wants Megan Fox back.
Grade: C- (You go through Kylie Jenner’s garbage and find the gift you gave her.)
Life & Style
LAMAR & SCOTT’S KARDASHIAN TELL-ALL: CHEATING, COCAINE & SEX TAPES
Scott Disick and Lamar Odom are “privy to nearly a decade’s worth of family secrets” and “are using the info to write a tell-all.” An insider says “they both feel played” and have enough dirt “to destroy the family’s brand and careers forever.” A celebrity publisher claims they could get as much as $5 million from the potential book deal, and there’s apparently plenty of dirt to fill its pages. For example: the entire family pops pills 24/7, Kris drinks vodka like it’s her job, “Kylie and Kendall were pushed to have Botox and fillers on a regular basis from a young age,” and everyone “taunts” Rob for being overweight. All it needs is a name. How about, uh, Catching Up With the Kardashians? No? OK, next topic. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are back together! We’ve downgraded to Bennifer 1.0! Or is that an upgrade? Honestly, it’s not software I’m interested in using, so let’s move on again. Mila Kunis was spotted eating lunch in NYC recently and was drinking water, and that means she must be pregnant! It also means I’m pregnant! And my coworkers are pregnant! Yes, you heard it here first: all of Jezebel is pregnant! The whole planet is pregnant! Congrats, everyone! We did it!
- Rumer Willis keeps having anxiety attacks.
- Madonna acted like a diva somewhere.
- Miley doesn’t want Stella Maxwell to move in with her.
- Brad is “jealous is Angie’s friendship with Billy Bob.” I am, too!
- Oh! Another report about Orlando Bloom being obsessed with underwear!
- Wear embellished hoop earrings this week or I will embellish your hoops, whatever that means.
- If you don’t colorblock this week, I just, haha, I just like, I might be done with you? For good? Honestly.
Grade: C+ (You go through Kylie’s garbage and she screams, “MY FANS ARE GROSS,” from her window.)
TOM & RITA’S HORROR: THEIR SON GOES MISSING!
Welp, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson lost Chet Hanks! They up and lost him. He’s gone! Have you seen him? Because they haven’t in over a month! This “Star Exclusive” claims Chet disappeared after a “cryptic” Instagram post on July 23 in which he wrote, “Getting the f**k out of Dodge for a in...Gonna go get my mind right. I’ll be back!” The fact that I just saw a photo of Tom and Rita looking happy as ever at a Carly Rae Jepsen concert makes me think they’re not concerned. This whole situation screams ***R E H A B*** to me, right? In which case, good for him! But what do I know? I’m not Star! Next! Duggar news. We’ve already covered it, so next! Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend, James Harden, is a “player” and Khloe should watch the hell out. She’s “crazy about James,” says a source, “and has already told him she’s in the relationship for the long haul.” Hold your horses, Khloe, because James has allegedly been cheating on you with a woman named Rochelle Relf, who is a 23-year-old student from Australia. Aren’t they all?
- Scott Disick is broke.
- John Stamos is off the wagon.
- Ariana Grande is going bald.
- Terrence Howard is “insane.”
- Kirsten Dunst and Garrett Hedlund are “engaged.”
- Alicia Vikander broke up with Michael Fassbender.
- Wear blue this week or you’ll never be happy again.
Grade: D+ (You go through what you think is Kylie’s garbage for a few minutes and then you realize it’s actually Tyga’s garbage.)
Fig. 1 - In Touch
Fig. 2 - Life & Style
Fig. 3 - Star
Fig. 4 - Star
Fig. 5 - Star
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.