Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we play the gossip game on consoles provided by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Brad and Angelina are fighting over wedding plans; Katie Holmes is pregnant because she held a fedora in front of her tummy; and Kim has her eye on Kanye West's sperm.
Though they just got engaged, Brad and Angelina are "already fighting" over the wedding — they can't agree on where and when it should take place, and who should be invited. Their trip to the Galapagos turned into a "wedding summit" where they "hashed out their differences." Angelina wants to get married in France, but Brad is worried that is grandmother, Betty, is too old and frail for a long international flight. You know how this ends, don't you? A terrible fight, that ended with "Brad walking out." Better than his usual method of storming out, perhaps. Hilariously, there's a sidebar on this story called "Galagagos: A Nice Place To Hash Things Out." I smell a genius ad campaign, featuring couples arguing as giant tortoises roll their eyes. Also inside: Kim Kardashian thinks Kanye West would make a "perfect baby daddy." And Prince Harry has a been making a habit of barging in on Prince William and Princess Shinylocks, further proving that the scenario would make a great sitcom. She married into royalty… but didn't count on her brother-in-law being a royal pain in the arse!
Grade: D- (death by zombie horde aka Dead Rising)
Life & Style
"Two Weddings & A Baby!"
Just when you thought we were finally done with the Jen/Angelina storylines: The piece inside is called "Who Will Have The Better Wedding?" Everything is a competition, ladies. As the copy reads,"Angie and Brad have been together for seven years — so getting engaged at this moment, just when Jen's moving toward her own engagement, is suspicious timing." J'accuse! Anyway, the mag details how the two weddings will be different — not that Jen is actually engaged, mind you: Angie will get hitched in France while Jen will say I do in Cabo; Angie's wedding will be chock-full of kids while Jen's will have Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox and Reese Witherspoon. Oh, and regarding the "baby": We're supposed to believe that Jennifer has been "showing off a softer figure and what looked like a baby bump." Also she's been seeing a new OB-GYN, which is a sure sign of pregnancy and not just something ladies who need pap smears do. Also inside: Katy Perry is "rushing into love" with Florence + The Machine guitarist rob Ackroyd, whom she officially calls her "boyfriend." Michelle Williams and Jason Segel were seen in the Museum of Modern Art's courtyard kissing and kissing some more. Finally, you, too, can have a ring kinda sorta like Angelina Jolie's! It's a "steal" at $1200, in a world where "steal" means "rent payment." (See Fig. 1)
Grade: F (death by falling off a floating platform aka Super Mario)
"I'm Sorry I Was Selfish"
Um, I can't with this cover story. CAN'T. Or, you know: Won't. Also inside: Kris Humphries' parents are suing Kim Kardashian for reimbursement of their accommodations for the wedding — and for the gifts, since they believe the wedding was a sham. Meanwhile, Kris went on a "jealous rage" when he was in a club and the DJ played a Kanye song. Ashton saw four women in four days: A "rebound romance" with Lorene Scafaria, a "sexy sleepover" with Rihanna, a Kabbalah Center date with a "dark-haired beauty" and a sushi date with Mila Kunis. Brad suggested to Angelina that they have a double wedding with his parents, who plan to renew their vows on their 50th anniversary in August, but she was all, nope, not gonna happen. "She doesn't know the meaning of the word compromise," a "friend" explains. "They may not ever make it to the altar." My God, imagine the tabloid tornado that would arise if they broke up before the end of the year? "No Ring, No Baby!" is about how Jennifer Aniston is "crushed" that Brad is engaged and she's not. Luckily, Jen has a "sneaky plan" to trick Justin Theroux into marrying her. It started with living together, then progressed into buying a house together, then she introduced him to her famous friends, and next she wants to make sure they shoot another movie together. How to win a guy in ten months! In Lindsay Lohan news, she has been texting Leonardo DiCaprio "constantly," because they used to hook up all the time and she wants a blast from the past, so to speak. Next, "Stars Get Cellulite At Every Age!" zeroes in on the thighs and backsides of celebrities attempting to enjoy the beach (or a car ride) in peace. The copy notes that 90% of women get cellulite… so why showcase it at all? (See Fig. 2) Last, but not least, my personal fave, This Thing Looks Like That Thing (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D (death by driving race car into wall aka Cruis'n USA)
You will find this simply shocking, but Beyoncé's "tips and tricks" for getting "thin fast" have less to do with the veggies and grilled meats she supposedly eats and more to do with the fact that she goes to the gym five days a week with a personal trainer. Kettlebells, cardio, plyometrics, etc. This seven page story also includes earth-shattering revelations like: Jessica Alba snacks on fruit. Scarlette Johansson does boxing drills. Rihanna swims, Leighton Meester does juice cleanses, Lea Michele eats vegetarian and shuns dairy. Also, foods that "whittle your middle" include grapefruit, eggs, dark chocolate, chili peppers, spinach and berries, which, when eaten all together, make you puke your way thin. Let's move on. Kanye and Kim spent a recent day in New York strolling through SoHo, stopping at an ice cream truck, shopping for leather jackets at Balenciaga and having cocktails at the Mercer. Match made in heaven. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher went on a mini-road trip to Carpinteria, CA — 87 miles outside of L.A. — where they shopped at a farmer's stand, ate sushi, and went to dinner. Jennifer Love Hewitt has fallen for her costar (again)! This time it's Colin Egglesfield, who is also in The Client List. "They've been hooking up," says a source. Michelle Williams and Jason Segel are smitten, she's fallen for him hard, they giggle and drink wine all the time, her daughter loves him, he loves kids, all is well. Jennifer Lopez is ready for her fourth trip down the aisle — she wants to marry 25-year-old dancer Casper Smart. I say go for it! Joan Collins has been divorced four times, and she seems fine. Last, but not least, if you want to find love on a reality show, your best choice is The Biggest Loser. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (death by barrel thrown by gorilla aka Donkey Kong)
"Katie's Baby Bombshell"
Katie Holmes is "set to experience baby bliss all over again." Star tries to prove to us that she is harboring a fetus by screaming "She can't hide it anymore!" and showing us pictures in which she is holding a blanket and a hat over her midsection. Ladies: Do not hold hats in front of you! Sure way to get knocked up quick. (See Fig. 5) Also inside: Jessica Biel crossed Cameron Diaz off of her wedding invitate list, telling Justin Timberlake: "That woman is not coming to my wedding." Kate Bosworth is secretly married to director Michael Polish, after dating him for eight months. They had a secret Buddhist commitment ceremony, of course. Demi Moore is "in denial about her health," may have left rehab too soon, and could relapse. Brad Pitt has helped convinced commitment-phobe George Clooney that being engaged is awesome, so DOUBLE WEDDING this summer, y'all! Well, sorta: Brad and Angie will get married in France and George and Stacy will get hitched on Lake Como. And if you believe that, I have some unicorn poop to sell you. Rumor has it Kim Kardashian is not, repeat, not into Kanye West, but just hoping to improve her image after the Kris Humphries disaster. Finally, the mag interviewed Sherry Robertson, whose daughter is Courtney from The Bachelor, and Sherry says ben and Courtney "won't be walking down the aisle anytime soon," and also: "His hair is horrible."
Grade: B- (death by brick pileup aka Tetris)
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from Us
Fig. 5, from Star