This Week In Tabloids: Katherine Weds; The Jolie-Pitts Continue To Exist

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Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the debauched party at which we liberally imbibe in celeb gossip. Hollywoodland was rather quiet this week, which is great, since we're still hungover from New Year's Eve. Two of the five tabs want us to lose weight; two feature Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (now and in the '90s) and the last one has all the details you never wanted to know about Katherine Heigl's wedding. Too bad no one is newly knocked up, since that's the real cash cow these days. With the amazing Intern Sharon as an enabler, we suffer through the veisalgia of OK!, Life & Style, In Touch, Star and Us, after the jump.

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"My Dream Wedding" Uh, Katherine Heigl got hitched. Not sure why they chopped her husband's head off on the cover. OK! opens the six page story thusly: "As the pink and peach hues of the winter sun began to set over the snow-covered mountains nestling around the Stein-Erickson Lodge in Park City..." Yeah, thrilling. Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens share hair care products! The Kerastase hair mask keeps them looking frighteningly pretty.
Grade: D- (pounding headache)

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Life & Style
"At Home With The Jolie-Pitts": The family eats a lot of fast food and Brad wakes up at 5 a.m. to change diapers. Great way to start the day! Also inside: Lindsay Lohan's ex, Riley Giles, sold his story to UK tab News Of The World for $30K. He claims LL is a nymphomaniac and offered to sell private photos of her. And, in the picture of him and LL printed in the mag, he's totally giving the shocker. Sigh. Adnan Ghalib, the paparzzo Britney invited back to her hotel room, says the two of them just talked — she feels hurt and deceived by everyone she knows. Pals Sam Lutfi and Alli Sims have been giving her the silent treatment. Poor Brit. Plus: The engagement ring Reggie Bush gave Kim Kardashian cost $500,000 and is ten carats — she wouldn't accept anything less than seven.
Grade: C- (nausea)

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In Touch
"Slim For The New Year": This yawn-inducing six page story is about how celebs have slimmed down: Jessica Simpson is thinner than when she was with John Mayer because she eats a grapefruit in the morning and sashimi for dinner; Lauren Conrad eats healthy meals from Whole Foods; Carrie Underwood keeps a food diary. Newsflash: No one cares. Also inside: Britney is hooking up with a paparazzo, wearing pink wigs and shopping at midnight because she's desperate for attention. Oh, and the stuffed toy horse she bought for her 1 and 2-year-old sons is made for children over four. Katie Holmes is spending all of Tom Cruise's money: "She drops thousands of dollars every time she goes into a store," says a source. "She wasn't like this when she first started dating Tom. She used to buy her clothes at the Gap." Oh, snap! Mischa Barton's credit card was declined at the Apple store in Pittsburgh (where she's filming an indie thriller); Pamela Anderson and hubby Rick Salomon are in couples therapy; Jay-Z and Beyoncé have matching love tattoos on their ring fingers: the roman numeral four, for "forever." Britney's cousin Alli Sims is hoping to get her own reality show that would be like a female Entourage. "Can You Believe They Dated?" reminds us of weird couples like Janet Jackson and Matthew McConaughey, Conan O'Brien and Lisa Kudrow and Matthew Perry and Julia Roberts.
Grade: C (sensitivity to light)

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"Before They Had Stylists" Fourteen pages of before and after photos — old versions of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Keith Urban and Reese Witherspoon are hilarious. It's even more interesting to scrutinize the shots and see pre-nose job noses — we're looking at you, Kate Hudson and Fergie! Also inside: Katherine Heigl told a pal she wanted to get pregnant on her honeymoon; Jen Aniston and Courteney Cox are friends again after a feud; Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez are sleeping in separate beds — she's so uncomfortably pregnant that she can't sleep and it's driven him into a guest room; Justin Timberlake got a new mattress because Jessica Biel didn't want to sleep on the same bed as his old girlfriends. Plus: Reese Witherspoon asked Jake Gyllenhaal what he wanted for his birthday and he replied, "You." Barf. The Hills' Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge are friends again — they called a truce and sealed it with a hug. "Lindsay Moves In With Big Bucks Gal Pal" is a quick story about how LL is living with Courtenay Semel — her dad is the chairman of Yahoo. LL and Courtenay "hang out and spend Courtenay's money" and might be lezzie? "I've seen them holding hands when they're out together and kiss each other hello and goodbye on the lips," says a friend. Oh, and Robin Wright Penn broke it off with hubby Sean Penn when she went to his hotel room and found him drunk on champagne with a couple of Russian girls. Brad Pitt's mid-life crisis involves getting Restylane injections and smoking behind Angie's back. Plus, he was seen smoking a joint (a "fattie") with Jackass Steve-O. Puff, puff, pass! Nicole Richie's pregnancy hormones are making her insane: She passed out recently, she's been snapping at Joel and he came home and found her scrubbing bathroom grout with a toothbrush not long ago. Brit is trying to convince Jaime Lynn to move in with her — she thinks they could have a blast raising their kids together! "Jamie Lynn is so scared and confused right now, she's actually considering it," a source says. Oy!
Grade: B- (fatigue)

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"2008's Diets That Work" Bo-ring. Kimberly Locke lost 40 lbs, yay! No carbs or alcohol, though, boo. LeAnn Rimes exercises constantly, Lauren Conrad works out with Audrina. Plus: Crash diets! Curb Your Enthusiasm's Cheryl Hines claims she ate only apples for two days. "It's the diarrhea diet," she says. "I don't recommend it." Plus: Apparently Britney's new guy, Adnan Ghalib, is married. Whoops!
Grade: D- (vomiting)


Related: For Celebrity Magazine, Pregnancy Is a Bonus [New York Times]


Le Kangourou de Kataroo

1. Thank you Jezebel, for another reason to live on a still hung-over Wednesday.

2. Riley: Why shock her, when you can spock her?! (This would be more effective with the accompanying pictures and friends that get the inside joke).

3. I would spend all of Tom Cruise's money too. I love the Gap as much as anyone, but if I can upgrade? Just sayin...

4. My girl friends and old roomies make/made out all the time. We are not lezzies. We wished we were, but we all like men too much and could never get past the make out session.

5. All pregnant women's hormones make them go crazy. I had to help my sister scrub the grout in her bathtub with a toothbrush, and had to talk her out of mowing the lawn. It's called NESTING people.

6. I'm on the New Year's diet. Similar to being a drunkorexic, it involves being hungover all day so you can't eat.