Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we return to the more exciting tabloids after taking a week off to read two unbearably boring interviews with Jennifer Aniston and Hillary Clinton.
This week, Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan are screaming at each other, Jennifer Garner is pregnant again, Jessica Simpson’s husband is fucking their nanny, and Prince was murdered. :(
Here we go again.
On Tuesday, Kelly Ripa told the audience of Live! that everything was fine. She and Michael Strahan were fine, she and ABC were fine, and—most importantly—she was fine. But apparently Ripa was so full of shit at the time that it almost started seeping out of her ears, because Star says everything about her morning show is a big fucking mess.
Though several sources had reported that Michael had every intention of telling Kelly about his departure (for GMA) earlier than he had, Star’s sources claim Strahan didn’t tell her “on purpose” because “he doesn’t like her.” Insiders expanded on that schoolyard opinion, saying he’s “mystified by her behavior,” which includes not responding to his “messages.”
Is Kelly the type to passive aggressively turn on read receipts just so people have proof she has chosen not to answer texts she’s read? Maybe. All we know for sure is that Strahan doesn’t like Ripa, and has no intention of telling her about the pool party he’s having this weekend OR the fact that his mom is making those delicious cupcakes baked in ice cream cones.
Summer is almost here, and the proof can be found in today’s issue of OK!, which is all about NANNY FUCKING. That’s right, Jessica Simpson’s 36-year-old husband Eric Johnson is having an affair with their 28-year-old nanny, Jessica knows about it, and they might get divorced because of it. Eric (whom the magazine is quick to describe as “unemployed”) recently “disappeared into the bushes” of Calabasas (that sounds like a horror film) with the nanny for two hours, after which they “shared a good laugh about something.”
What could they have been laughing at?
- Something penis-related.
- Something vagina-related.
- They bumped into Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick, who were also having sex in the bushes of Calabasas.
- The nanny showed Eric a particularly funny BuzzFeed video.
- The nanny made a joke about having “nothing but a t-shirt on.”
- They bumped into Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna, who were also having sex in the bushes of Calabasas.
- Eric pointed out that he and Jessica don’t have a prenup and that he’ll soon own half of a billion dollar fashion empire.
- Eric brought up Ashlee Simpson.
- The nanny brought up Ashlee Simpson.
- They bumped into Kylie Jenner and Tyga, who were also having sex in the bushes of Calabasas.
- Eric told a funny story about Diana Ross.
- The nanny told a funny story about her dear friend, Christine Ouzounian.
- They bumped into Kris Jenner, who was screaming, “ARE MY FUCKING KIDS HAVING SEX IN THESE FUCKING BUSHES AGAIN?”
Here’s something boring to slow your day to a crawl. Jennifer Garner’s “friends” have told Life & Style that they’re “expecting an announcement very soon that Jen is pregnant” and planning to reconcile with Ben Affleck. They know this because someone—perhaps Jen, perhaps Ben, perhaps Matt Damon—has informed them that Ben has been “bringing her breakfast in bed.” This, of course, is code for “having sexual intercourse with intent to impregnate.”
The sex they’ve been having is extra special sex, too, because it’s being had in London, where Ben is busy filming a sequel to the Batman/Superman gay romance released earlier this year. He has apparently hired “the best doctors to take care of Jen’s needs while in London,” instead of just asking Matt Damon to do everything like he did the last two times.
But the most shocking bit of news to come out of this story? Wait for it:
“Jen’s rep denies that she is pregnant and reconciling with Ben.
Said a “P.I. who has worked on a wide range of prominent criminal cases:
“If someone overprescribed medication for Prince, in my opinion, it was murder.”
And we’re done here.
Lisa Marie Presley is head over heels in love with Tom Cruise. Wait, no, I read that wrong. They’re at war over scientology. They’re not in love. Silly me. What’s happening is that Presley, who grew up in the church, “is secretly opposing the controversial religion and its leader—and Tom, 53, is caught in the brewing battle.” She reportedly wants to “take down” David Miscavige and expose all the church’s secrets, which “means trouble for Tom.”
A Scientology “war” isn’t as exciting as a public love affair between those two, but it’s close.
I Love When People Wistfully Refer to the Time Period When Mark Wahlberg Committed an Act of Race-Fueled Violence and Blinded a Man as His “Wilder Days” of the Week:
- Dane Cook “has had way too much Botox.”
- Camilla thinks Kate is trash, so she’s trying to get William to break up with her.
- Gigi and Bella Hadid “have been approached to be the next-generation Bond Girls.”
- Paris Hilton has no friends.
- Eva Mendes has no interest in marrying Ryan Gosling, even though she’s pregnant with their second baby.
- Madonna and Guy Richie have “hashed out their issues” for Rocco’s sake.
- Kate Hudson’s friends have hired her a matchmaker.
- Everyone at Star thinks Allison Williams is too skinny.
- Kerry Washington is pregnant because she and her husband are so happy together you don’t even know!!!
- Kaley Cuoco is getting married to that jockey.
- Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom had a big fight at Coachella after she caught him checking another woman out.