This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Asked Brad Pitt To Be A Character Witness Against Angelina Jolie?!

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where international fugitive Joan Summers is reporting live from an undisclosed location in the wake of last week’s installment. Fearing that the Alliance of Romantically Unsatisfied Heterosexuals would make the first move, my editors thought it best to temporarily relocate me somewhere warm and sunny. Thank god for gay rights!

Let’s dive in.

In Touch:

Here’s a question to ask your friends the next time their boyfriend’s around and you need something relatable to talk about: “When the aliens find the irradiated junkyard formerly known as Earth, who will they think Meghan Markle was?” My guess is “Religious Leader Who Led To The Collapse Of Modern Civilization”. In fear of breaching my own moratorium, however, let’s move on: Hair person Jennifer Aniston and goatee activist Brad Pitt hung out at her 50th birthday! Despite peddling rumors that the two are secretly engaged and expecting a baby girl, In Touch devoted two meager pages to her birthday bash. Absurd! As I’m covering the bulk of the event in this week’s Us Weekly, I’ll leave In Touch’s fantastic blurb on “THE NO SHOWS!” below:

So much for “continuing their cherished friendship.” Despite the vow they made when announcing their divorce last year, Justin Theroux, 47, wasn’t among the exes who attended. Other no-shows included Jen’s pal Emma Stone and one time protege Selena Gomez, both of whom seem to have taken Justin’s side in the split.

I love the mental image of Instagram algorithm Selena Gomez and Emma “The Favorite for Best Picture” Stone in a Brooklyn bar rubbing Justin Theroux’s massive back tattoo while he refreshed his social media that night

Moving on, there’s an excellent photo series documenting Melissa McCarthy being carried by bodyguards while in a gown and Nikes. The Can You Ever Forgive Me? Actress, leaving a BAFTAs after party at Grosvenor House, was apparently too tipsy to make it up the stairs. Being in the same room as Viola Davis and Glenn Close has the same effect on me, Melissa! We’re also given a helpful list of “Potential Ben Affleck Girlfriends”:

Jennifer Aniston: “They definitely had chemistry as longtime lovers in 2009’s He’s Just Not That Into You”
JLo: “The original Bennifer!”
Jenna Dewan: “If JLo isn’t interested, she could at least introduce him to this stunning, freshly divorced 38 year old.”
Mindy Kaling: “The 39 year old played the A-Lister in an off-Broadway play.”
Amber Heard: Maybe he shouldn’t give up his Batman cape!
Sienna Miller: “He not only starred in a series of steamy sex scenes with Sienna, […] some of the scenes took nine hours to film!”
Charlize Theron: “Step aside, Brad!”

Serious journalism aside, Chris “Hillsong isn’t Homophobic!” Pratt “proves you’re never too old to play with Legos” and Pink laid down next to a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. It’s reportedly hers, but there’s little evidence to prove it. Glenn Close made out with her dog at an awards ceremony, proving wealth and age can’t stop white women from french kissing animals. Jennifer Garner, channeling the quiet rage of a Ben Affleck ex, took a boxing class the same week Tori Spelling was photographed dry humping Dean McDermott in a boxing ring. Everyone is making choices all the time!

What else?

Taylor Lautner called the paparazzi on himself while hiking for some Tropicana #spon. (Taking a page out of Mandy Moore’s playbook.)
Someone named Dua Lipa had her photo taken.
Priyanka Chopra was photographed stumbling out of popular LA hotspot Craig’s.
Nobody wants to date anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood.
Teddi Mellencamp describes Meg Ryan as “one of those people you like being around.”

Ok!:

Considering I’m writing this post yoga, I’ll do my best abstain from overtly rude comments (in the spirit of #mindfulness.) Recent Bradley Cooper divorcee Jennifer Lawrence is engaged to a man named Cooke Maroney. Despite sounding like a Tina Fey character from one of the worse seasons of 30 Rock, I’m happy that this rich lady is marrying a rich man. After a little digging, I discovered his parents are equally wealthy ex-Manhattanites who moved to Vermont and started a farm. It’s what you do when your dad gets bored of being Senior Vice President and Head of American Paintings at Christie’s. Another fun connection: Cooke Maroney represents Lena Dunham’s dad Carroll Dunham, a man made famous for repeatedly painting the exposed vaginas of cartoonish, faceless women. (His wife “rescues” Japanese sex dolls by dressing them up as suburban wives and photographing them. Fun and totally normal family!) Here’s the official “5 Things To Know About Cooke Maroney”, per Ok!:

He’s an NYU grad with a degree in art history and economics.
He’s the director of the high-end Gladstone Gallery, where he represents Lena Dunham’s dad and Björk’s ex, Matthew Barney.
He’s frequently seen partying in the Hamptons, a requirement of anyone with an Economics degree from NYU.
Laura Simpson, a civilian, introduced the pair.
He’s obviously from New England (and therefore perfectly matched with former horse farm dweller, Jennifer Lawrence.)

For those that dozed off, welcome back. Let’s pivot to more pressing news: Target exclusive Joanna Gaines wants the world to know her life isn’t perfect! In a dissertation for the post-capitalism manifesto, Magnolia Journal, she writes on the creeping dread around social media turning human beings into marketing devices. “What happens when we don’t think our real life looks as good as someone else’s? We make adjustments.” Facetune is shaking! But how does she find solace from the encroaching evil of late capitalism and Instagram #spon? “The beautifully imperfect view that’s unfolding right in front of me. No edits required.” Put THAT on some reclaimed wood and sell it in Home Goods, Joanna!

Elsewhere, somebody named Kourtney Kardashian wore a bun to the AMFAR gala and former perm Julia Roberts wore a caped vest. The Good Place fan Dax Shepard, photographed cleaning his ATV, admitted he wants to “raise offroaders.” I can smell the Monster energy drink from here! I will not be discussing the sexist allegations that Naomi Campbell is a “cougar”, nor will I indulge Seth Meyers publicly thirsting after Rihanna. (STAY AWAY FROM HER! GET A JOB!) Let’s round this out on the feature of “Single Royals Still Looking For the One!”:

Princess Sirivannavari: “The “fashion designer” is a prizing winning equestrian and badminton pro, […] though it helps when sitting on a throne is your fallback career!”
Prince Albert Von Thurn Und Taxis: This 35 year old German has the need for speed!”
Princess Beatrice: “Sarah Ferguson’s 30 year old daughter is eighth in line for the throne!”
Prince Azim: “The 36 year old from Brunei is known for his epic bashes […] where goody bags have included a Kenyan safari!”
Arthur Chatto: “When he’s not […] showing off his muscles on Instagram, he spends his time going on outdoorsy adventures!”

Eat the rich!

Life & Style:

I absolutely love that Amal Clooney and I have something in common: We’re not afraid to play dirty! According to sources, George Clooney and Amal haven’t been the same since the birth of their children. Are you bored? I am! We’re also told that Miranda Lambert, clearly famous in circles I don’t frequent, has disappeared. News to me! Apparently her troubled love life is to blame for her break from the public eye. According to sources, she’d much rather spend time with her rescue dogs than around other celebrities. On this, Miranda and I relate immensely. There’s also reports that the Unholy Trinity of Teresa Giudice, Lisa Rinna, and Sarah Jessica Parker are locked in a power struggle over the right to be godmother to Andy Cohen’s new baby, Benjamin. Tipsters claim the housewives are battling it out with outrageous gifts while SJP is wielding her baby fashion expertise to impress the new dad(dy). My money’s on Rinna, but feel free to cast your vote in the comments below!

In other news, Judith Light wore it better and Kristin Cavallari fired her assistant on national television. Nene Leakes, on behalf of everyone everywhere, exposed Lisa Vanderpump for swooping in on the bar now known as Pump. According to the queen of Atlanta, she’d called the animatronic Pumptini for advice on opening a bar in a vacant lot in WeHo. Lisa disavowed the property, insisting it was a bad deal, before purchasing it herself and opening Pump. Shady! Former Ryan Murphy intern, Lea Michele, threw herself a “bachelorette bash” with matching #BRIDESQUAD bodysuits for the whole crew. I’d love to see Pinterest board! Elsewhere, Michelle Williams claimed she’s irrelevant (a lie!) and Victoria Beckham offered a threat: “I’ll always be a Spice Girl.”

What a light issue! Instead of my usual “what’s left”, enjoy this list of teachers turned celebrities! (And while you’re at it, support the Oakland Teachers’ Union Strike!)

Hugh Jackman taught gym at England’s Uppingham School for Boys.
Jon Hamm taught high school drama at Burroughs High School. (a 9th grade Ellie Kemper was one of his students!)
Sheryl Crow taught music at Kellison Elementary School.
Sylvester Stallone taught physical education at the American College of Switzerland.
Sting taught a variety of classes at St. Paul’s First School in northeast England.

Us Weekly:

Thank god, it’s our final lap! Let’s start with the biggest news of the week: Brad Pitt crashed Jennifer Aniston’s 50th birthday party! According to sources, the most famous divorced people in the world first reunited in 2016, after the death of Jen’s mother Nancy Dow. “Brad contacted Jen after her mom died and she was touched that he knew what a difficult time it was.” There’s also a shocking claim that Jen”wanted to let Brad know she’d be a character witness” in his divorce from Angelina Jolie “because of the serious allegations being made against him.” I’m so shocked by this that, for once in my life, I don’t have anything rude to say! More importantly, however, is a fabulous blurb dedicated to Reese Witherspoon falling down the steps of the Sunset Tower Hotel.

Considering the dreaded Pre-Oscars Silence has officially turned Hollywood into a worse version of The Quiet Place, there’s not much left!

Céline Dion was spotted in tiny sunglasses.
Bethenny Frankel wants to know if Pete Davidson shoots diamonds from his dick.
I’m requesting a moratorium on “the path to getting married” preceding blurbs on Gwen “Let’s Not Talk About My ‘Bindi’ Era” Stefani and somebody named Blake Shelton.
There are troubling rumors that life size Bratz doll Kylie Jenner is considering a second child.
Jackson “Bradley Cooper” Maine was photographed holding a forlorn looking BAFTA.
The Bachelor Man is afraid nobody will love him.