Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which in which we take a mental vacation to the land of celebrity gossip, via the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: InTouch wrote a disgusting and disgraceful article in which they fabricated Robin Williams' suicide notes; OK! put the phrase "Kim: YES, I'M FAT" on their cover; and Beyoncé is still going to divorce Jay Z. Woof. This is a rough one.
YES, I'M FAT
Kim Kardashian recently tweeted that she would like to lose 15-20 pounds; translated into hideous tabloid-speak, that is, "YES, I'M FAT." According to a source, she is now embarking on a Robin Thicke-esque quest to "get her body back." Kim Kardashian, incorporeal consciousness floating through space, embarks on desperate quest to #GetHerBodyBack. Also, as part of her quest, she is apparently going to "undergo a veritable pupu platter of cosmetic procedures," which is a sentence a person really wrote. Sure! Moving on: Hank and Kendra are pretending to get back together for their reality TV show even though she will never trust him again because he cheated on her and shatter their relationship eternally. Sounds fun! Tune in!!!! Elsewhere in the mag, Kristen Stewart is trying to make the moves upon Jennifer Lawrence's ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hoult; specifically, the article cites the ~sushi date~ K-Stew went on with Nicholas like a month ago that other tabloids have already used as evidence of a Torrid Affair. AT LEAST MAKE SOMETHING FUN UP. Very lazy, OK! editorial staff. I'm disappointed. Finally, uh, all three Olsen sisters are getting married to their various men by the end of 2014, which sounds like a logistical nightmare and a breeding ground for eternal resentment. Fortunately for the Olsen clan, it is definitely not true (Ashley is not engaged; no one has picked a date; having three weddings in four months is pure madness). But can you imagine the oversize wedding ponchos they would all wear in succession?
GRADE: F (getting locked in a gas station bathroom for several days in the midst of a road trip with no sustenance save for a slightly damp roll of toilet paper)
Life & Style
AT WAR WITH THE QUEEN
Kate Middleton and her mother-in-law, the Queen of England, are not getting along. So Kate is sticking it to her, as one does, by redecorating a mansion in the countryside and then moving there once it has new fireplaces and stuff. The Queen is fighting back my leasing a helicopter so she can visit whenever. Classic method of sparring with one's in-laws. In other news, Miley Cyrus and her entourage wreaked havoc on a peaceful fancy person hotel in NYC, causing Life & Style to venture that she's "out of control again." According to a source at the hotel, "Miley Cyrus, 21, and her entourage descended on the Greenwich [Hotel] like a pack of wild dogs." I assume this means they were chewing and/or peeing on the leather sofas. Other examples of her recent bad behavior: she let a fan touch her chest; she and her friends did karaoke until 3 a.m. and "ordered a lot of beer while doing so." UH-OH!!!!! WE GOT A REGULAR BACK OF MAENADS OVER HERE. The best part of this article, by far, is the graphic (Fig. 1) insisting that she went "from looming to lighting up." As if the two were mutually exclusive. Elsewhere in the mag, we have an "exclusive" story about how Hank refuses to leave Kendra's house but they are working through things maybe, just in time for their tv show. Ok, guys. Suuuure. And, finally, Solange has convinced Beyoncé and Jay Z to undergo couples' counseling but it's not really working. Beyoncé wants out, says a source.
GRADE: D- (a theme park based on the Twilight saga, but, like, very literally. Basically just a high school that gets rained on a lot in which the popular kids are really snobby.)
I'M FINALLY PREGNANT!
Miranda Lambert is not actually pregnant. However, she did once wear a loose-fitting shirt in public, meaning that "everything points to Miranda being pregnant." This is perhaps the most tedious Unsolicited Uterus Update of late; congrats, Star. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston went on a long rant about plastic surgery during a recent interview, and there are whispers that it was directed at Courteney Cox. "Sometimes I wish I could beg the people I know, who I am very near and dear to, to not touch their face," said Jen. "I am grateful to learn from their mistakes... I see them, and my heart breaks." DAMN, JEN. OUCH. In other news, Miley Cyrus and Scarlett Johansson are engaged in a death battle over who gets to play Dolly Parton in an upcoming biopic. Apparently, Dolly Parton doesn't think that Miley possesses the acting chops. Maybe that's why Miley is so into wearing wigs all of a sudden? Method acting? Is that how that works? Next: Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence are texting and Bradley Cooper's girlfriend is jealous. The contents of the texts are "flirty," says a source. I hope they're sexting about Bradley's American Hustle perm. And, finally, today in WHAT???!?!!!: apparently one of the girls from HAIM was dating Jonah Hill? They were first introduced at a party thrown by Adam Levine? But Jonah grew too jealous? I bet they really broke up because they were too embarrassed to tell people how they met.
GRADE: F (Coachella)
Will Beyoncé divorce Jay-Z: the eternal question. According to a source on the backstage crew — who will probably be fed into the "Drunk In Love" fog machine if exposed — Bey often "seemed to angry with Jay" and would "ignore him or pointedly not laugh at his jokes." Multiple sources allege that Beyoncé plans to end her marriage to Jay Z once their joint tour ends; according to one insider, she's already drawn up the press release that will be sent to the AP if she goes through with the divorce. Also, she is asking conscious uncoupling guru Gwyneth Paltrow for advice on how to trick the public into thinking you don't hate your ex at least a lil' bit. Intrigue! In other news, Jennifer Aniston took Justin Theroux to Bora Bora for his birthday, where they read books. In case you were wondering. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow went on a "flirty" date with a Glee producer, which is not news because we've heard it before, but she reportedly ate "shrimp drizzled with smoked bacon sauce," which is? Smoked bacon sauce is newsworthy, I think. Elsewhere in the magazine, Taylor Swift revealed in an exclusive interview that she chilled with Baby Suri one time and they ate sushi and did their nails and talked about their lives (ok, fine, Katie Holmes was there too, but it would be so fun if T-Swift and Suri got manicures together just 'cause).
GRADE: C- (a rustic cabin haunted by really boring ghosts)
INSIDE HIS FINAL HOURS
This is absolutely disgusting: InTouch is claiming that "a source" has revealed to them Robin Williams' last words and the contents of "a number of suicide notes" he left. I'm not going to repeat either of the two because, seriously, fuck that — but it's obvious that no one close to Williams would have spoken to a tabloid the day after his tragic passing, and, furthermore, law enforcement officials have said that he didn't leave behind any note or notes. Abhorrent. Immediately following this shitstain of an article is a report that Kris Jenner has a drinking problem, followed by a report that Khloe Kardashian is "binge-drinking and blowing up," followed by an infographic of celebrity nose jobs ("did they or didn't they?"). Pure, unadulterated trash.
GRADE: F- (a little resort town built upon the Fatberg clogging up London's sewer system)
Fig. 1, Life & Style