This Week In Tabloids: Ellen DeGeneres Is Quitting Hollywood. Let's Celebrate That!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where new girl on the scene Joan Summers will be staring into the void, and listening to it explain the intimate details of Meghan Trainor’s wedding reception to Spy Kid Daryl Sabara. She wore sneakers and leggings because she’s a regular and relatable human person! The Spy Kid-turned-Man danced to “Pop! Goes My Heart!,” the iconic theme song to noted romcom Music and Lyrics.

Apologies for introducing myself in the third person. Let’s dive in to what the tabloids say!

Star:

The big story this week, apparently, is that Angelina Jolie’s been stalking David “Becks” Beckham. According to “multiple sources” the divorceé has become obsessed with Becks after her recent trips to London. Gasp! And also boring! Moving on: 37 tabloids covered Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s Very (Surprise!) Heterosexual Wedding but Star was the only one brave enough to drop in the fact that their cake was infused with “weed oil.” Per usual, the grownups at the magazine forgot to ask the important question: Was it CBD? What an extremely missed opportunity for a branded sponsorship!

Also, everyone is Very Worried for Selena Gomez, who’s alleged by Star spies to have relapsed while partying at the Firefly Bar in Studio City, CA. A followup: what’s Selena doing all the way out in the Valley at a restaurant that advertises gift cards and kids-eat-cheap specials on the front page of their website? I’m very worried for her! A tipster also tells the magazine that dancer-turned-professional boyfriend Sam Asghari got Britney Spears a boob job for Christmas! Their source is an Instagram video, it seems, but this is new media! Everything counts!

Kimye is still on the brink of divorce and it’s all Drake’s fault! Star alleges KKW wants former MAGA brand ambassador Kanye in a hospital and is threatening to leave him with the children and surrogate in tow. Regardless of my feelings about the Kardashian Fit Tea Federation—let’s stop employing psych wards as weapons in our gossip rags? Maybe just for 2019! What else?

Not a week goes by without a rude story about Jennifer Garner’s love life. This week she’s buying her own engagement rings!
Star claims that noted former teenager Sofia Richie is trying to “baby trap” Scott Disick. THIS MAN SHOULD BE IN JAIL!
Irina Shayk is also feuding with Bradley “Jackson Maine” Cooper over their nonexistent engagement. Shocker!
There’s also a spread on HOLLYWOOD SUPERHEROES notable for being full of men who’re certainly anything but (Alec Baldwin I’m looking at you).

OK!:

Not a week goes by without rumors that Beyoncé is splitting from noted outfit-of-the-day photographer and occasional rapper Jay-Z. Girls can only dream! The root of their problem, it seems, is alleged lovechild Rymir Satterthwaite. Beyoncé is At The End Of Her Rope (who isn’t) and is struggling to find it in her to stay. Outside of the enormous wealth, recent stadium tour, and three kids… at least! I almost forgot Jessica Alba! Her divorce with former-producer turned luxury sock designer Cash Warren is a tale as old as time. She’s sick of being the moneymaker! He doesn’t have a job! Thank god OK! doesn’t forget to plug Alba’s The Honest Company and its 1 billion dollar valuation. Those baby sunscreen lawsuits can’t hold them down!

In other news, Kendall and Kylie are supposedly still fighting about net worth. It seems like her Proactiv Heroics didn’t help Kendall bridge the gap. Sad! Angelina Jolie and Stefani Joanne Angelina “Ally Maine” Germanotta are reported to be fighting for Liz Taylor’s Cleopatra crown. Here’s a catfight I’d like three seats to, please! (One for me, one for my drinks, and one for the takeout I’ll definitely be walking into the theatre with.)

Famous Rachels Brosnahan and Ray are apparently BFFs. Choices!
Khloé “Apostrophe Over the E” Kardashian bought a big house and
Lori Loughlin’s daughter released a makeup collection?
There’s a spread on divorced co-parents. Good for them! My only thoughts? Imagine Christmas dinner with Brad Falchuk, Dakota Johnson, Chris Martin, and Goop. Jinkies!
Can we please make Chris Pratt not famous again so I can get him and Katherine Schwarzenegger out of my face?
Royal Buddy Cop Comedy Kate and Meghan are still faking it! I wonder if The Queen will FaceTime ‘em from the bench of her gold piano to lay down the law!
Britney Spears and Sam Asghari are planning on eloping! (Imagine the choreographed dancing at that reception…)

Life & Style:

The big story this week is Ellen Degeneres is finally quitting Hollywood. I imagine the wave of relief I felt at this sentence is akin to the residents of Middle Earth watching the Eye of Sauron crumble. The big scoop here? Apparently wife Portia Di Rossi thinks Ellen can do better than handing checks to Instagram gays and viral moms. Same, Portia! Sources tell Life & Style that it’s been a rocky road for the couple: Between Portia’s recent fall from a horse, an alleged 2014 stint in rehab, and all the trappings of being super rich billionaires, the only fix is a “band-aid baby.” Of course! The solution to all married peoples’ problems are children! My main beef with this is the assertion that two lesbians simply cannot live a happy and complete life without a nuclear family. Here’s tabloid relationship math: 1 Woman + 1 Woman = Babies! Because women want to be mothers! It’s opaque and frankly homophobic! Regardless, Rachel Zoe wore it better than Katharine McPhee in what can only be a coupling dreamt up by the residents of WeHo still crying to reruns of “The Rachel Zoe Project.”

Fashion Nova Ambassador Kim K asked the star of hit movie Second Act J.Lo for marriage advice. Here’s her take on keeping it fun and funky with boyfriend A-Rod: “[We’ve] never been happier, mainly because I’m the one who wears the pants in our relationship.” That tracks! There’s a seemingly planted story from someone probably named Mila Kunis about Ashton “Mr. Mom” Kutcher. He helps coordinate the nannies! Also, is anyone else excited for the s***-show that is this apparent Beverly Hills, 90210 reunion? The menaces at Life & Style can’t help but mention Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott’s impending financial ruin. Here’s to hoping it saves them in ways Hibachi grill burn lawsuits-turned-settlements can’t!

Sophie Turner is apparently fuming at Priyanka Chopra stealing her wedding bell jush. If you remember, Priyanka’s wedding dress consisted of 2.3 million mother of pearl sequins and took 1826 hours to make. (All news outlets are required by law to report these #facts.) Her plans to top her future sister-in-law? A castle wedding! I’m hoping the best for everyone involved.

Sponcon queen Lea Michele recently “defied gravity and goosebumps […] helping spread the holiday cheer with “Old Navy & Lyft,” a corporate partnership I can only imagine was forged in the flames of hell.
Human Instagram account Kylie Jenner & Denim Empress Khloé Kardashian are locked in a BRIDE WAR… good for them!
There’s a Lying Vixen Bachelorette Temptress out to ruin Virginal Bachelor Colton Underwood’s heart. Demi Burnett’s crime against humanity is claiming to be an interior decorator and actually being a cashier at Pottery Barn.
We finish out with a spread on Bethenny Frankel’s WORST YEAR EVER! Who else is looking forward to Season 11 of RHONY?

In Touch:

Finally, a palate cleanser! We’re treated to another Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth wedding cover. Honestly, what else can be said of heterosexuality at this point? As I’ve covered the important details already, In Touch’s big scoop here is Billy Ray hates Liam. Does the man even have enough personality to foster hatred in the Cyrus clan? Mogul Rihanna wore it better than a Victoria’s Secret model and Naomi Campbell supposedly left Bebe Rexha bruised and battered in the Valley somewhere. Fire your stylists, babe! If Jeremy Scott already sent the supermodel the sample, find something else!

In breaking news, the Kardashian Fit Tea Federation is shuttering their “suite” of lifestyle apps. I’ll refrain from being snarky and wish them all the best 🙂 Ansel Elgort got the “gay going through a breakup” bleach job and Target-exclusive designer Joanna Gaines was bullied as a kid.

Apparently Dancing With Stars alums Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd are staging a comeback. Did they ever leave?
There’s a spread to remind us that temporary Canadian Meghan Markle wears expensive dresses. The true crime the royals commit is spending all that money and still being boring!
Rita Ora stepped out in Carrie Bradshaw’s newspaper dress.
We end on two whole pages dedicated to “The World’s Hottest Andrews” but it’s actually just Joanna Newsom’s husband Andy Samberg 10 times.

Us! Weekly:

It’s accepted as fact that Us! Weekly is the only #RealNews, so I’ll be rounding it out here each week.

Jonathan Van Ness stepped out in Ariana Grande cosplay and everyone’s wearing denim for the winter! Us! Weekly was the only outlet brave enough to acknowledge Kristen Stewart’s gay-ness. Proud of them! In a bizarre twist, Katie Holmes is starring in a film adaptation of airport bestseller The Secret. Kimye is doing their darndest to distance themselves from allegations by Victoria Monét that Travis Scott stole songs from her writing partner by having another baby! Shannon Beador is still locked in one of the most frightening divorces in recent memory. David Beador took time off from watching his ex on TV to file motions to prohibit Shannon from drinking, a storyline plucked straight from television. Stay strong, Shannon! January Jones tried to have her 40th birthday bash at Lisa Vanderpump’s iconic PUMP location. Her words: “We called and called, and no one called me back!”

Pete Davidson is still bleaching his hair and we’re all supposed to pretend that he’s doing just fine! OK!
There’s a headline about “Modern Family” Kourtney Kardashian, Scott Disick, and FORMER TEENAGER Sofia Richie. A source claims: “Things are totally fine.” Sure, Jan!
Dua Lipa is described as an “Adidas ambassador” in a feature on her workout regimen. Semi-rude but also true.
And lastly, Rosario Dawson gave some much needed advice to upcoming Rent star Tinashe: “Have fun with it!”