Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we ingest mind-altering amounts of tabloid gossip, chasing the dragon of Truth. This week: Illuminati heir to the throne Blue Ivy Carter already has diamond jewelry; Cameron Diaz has a new face; Kim Kardashian is dead inside; and Demi Moore has been ingesting all kinds of interesting things.
Life & Style
"I Am So Alone"
Kim Kardashian is "dead inside." And. "The situation has only gotten worse." She recently told "her few remaining friends," "I am so alone." She's devastated by the divorce and the backlash and turning into a hermit: "She stays home all the time. It's like she's afraid to be in public." Obviously we wish her the best mental health, and if that means staying off the radar for, oh, say, five years, well, then, she should do what's best, no? Ugh, anyway, this was the only story of note in this issue. Other subjects were done better by other mags. Although: The cover line, "Ooh, shoes!" is a good one, and there were, indeed, shoes that made me go "ooh" inside.
Grade: F (water)
Ok!
"Twins Again!"
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have had "tenderness in their glances" and "a real joy in their faces" lately because Angie is growing some new Jolie-Pitts. The mag claims "Angie is pregnant with twin boys!" Very exciting, and maybe in 17 years Blue Ivy Carter will be dating both of them? Even more fun are the sidebars on this story: One,"We're Noticing The Signs Of Pregnancy," includes gems like "she's glowing!" and "it's that time of the year." (See Fig. 1) Ladies be getting knocked up right on schedule — just check your lunar cycles, vernal equinox, longitude and TV Guide. The other awesome sidebar is called "The Brangie Bunch." I think Vivienne is Cindy? And Zahara is Jan? And Shiloh is Marsha? Maybe? (See Fig. 2) Bonus quote: "For the first time, they are discussing Angelina giving birth in the United States." And now our nation is on orange alert. Next: Kate Middleton and Prince William had their first fight, because Will went on a hunting and boozing trip to Spain with Prince Harry and some buddies. She was upset he would choose partying with the guys over quality time with her, especially since he'll soon be off in the Faulklands for a few months, and they "exchanged a few choice words," which is upper-crust British slang for "slammed some doors and told each other to fuck off." Moving along: Cameron Diaz's face is a popular subject this week, and Dr. Gerald Imber, who does not treat the star, thinks she had "good eyelid surgery or Botox." (See Fig. 3) Finally, Russell Brand is supposedly pursuing Katy Perry look-alike Zooey Deschanel, sending funny, flirty texts and trying to set up a get-together. Zooey is not amused, says a random insider: "She thinks it would be kinda freaky." Agreed.
Grade: D (seltzer)
In Touch
"Time Bomb!
Demi has hit "rock bottom," and is "literally hiding in shame over how far she has fallen." She's made a fool of herself in front of Rumer's friends — in January she got wasted at a club and started grinding against 90210 star Ryan Rottman, and Rumer had to pull her aside and beg her to calm down. "She constantly flirts and seeks out attention from younger men," says a source who might be Ryan Rottman. "She's always flirted with her daughters' male friends" when they bring them to the house. Plus: She mostly ingests liquids instead of actual food, takes Adderall constantly, has Red Bull for dinner, and is currently in "downward spiral with cocaine and Adderall." Yikes! Next: On a happier note, Teen Mom's Catelynn is ready to get married! She's picked a pretty wedding gown. (See Fig. 4) In Heidi and Seal news, Seal's ex, model Tatjana Patitz, says: He is not a nice person. He has anger issues." So yeah, that whole "Seal is a scary black man" meme continues. Kourtney Kardashian is being "tortured" by Scott "American Psycho" Disick, but not with a nail gun. With name-calling. He makes fun of the weight she's put on while pregnant and calls her "Portney," because she is portly now, get it? I'm not into violence, but I suspect that dude needs a swift kick in the nuts. Here is a headline, presented without comment: "Beyoncé Has Six Nannies!" Oh, and Jay-Z has already bought little Blue Ivy diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet. Lastly, speaking of extravagant gifts, Jennifer Lopez purchased a $10,000 cell phone for her boyfriend Casper, and yes, he has a new number, too, because she didn't like the fact that contact info for some of his old pieces were on his phone. How can Jenny be from the block if she ain't never heard of a SIM card?
Grade: C (ginger ale)
Us
"Demi's Desperate Spiral."
Demi Moore has been partying with Rumer a lot lately — and Rumer was there the night someone made a call to 911 to save Demi's life as she convulsed. "Everyone thought she was going to die," says a source. "It was terrifying." Apparently late nights with Rumer — and chasing Rumer's 24-year-old pal Zac Efron — have been par for the course for Demi. She's in crisis, she turns 50 in November and has no idea who she is or what her life should be, etc. So Demi has "literally inserted herself into Rumer's group of friends." There was the time Zac Efron was out and Demi "tracked him down and just showed up," seeming "wired." She calls and texts Zac a lot, but he's not interested, AT ALL, calling her a "creepy cougar." Meanwhile, Demi mixes pills with Red Bull — in January she drank 10 Red Bulls in one evening. Another night, Scout said she was going to a friend's house, and Demi said, "No! Have them come over here, it will be fun!" Gess she wants to be a "cool mom" like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, but without the velour sweatsuit. Meanhile, Rumer "feels terrible," says a source: "She thought going out and having fun would help her mother through a rough patch." Instead, a meltdown ensued. Sigh. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are trying for a baby. Heidi Klum is upset that Seal is using the divorce to shill his new album. Katy Perry has "reconnected" with old flame Josh Groban. And last, but certainly not least: Madeline Stowe's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" is EPIC VICTORIA GRAYSON FLAWLESSNESS: She loves corsets, she's half Costa Rican, she spends a part of each day in an alternate universe. Amazing. Bow down. (See Fig. 5)
Grade: B (Coca-Cola)
Star
"Will & Jada Split Up The Kids"
Guys, little 13-year old Jaden Smith is living in Philadelphia with Will Smith, and 11-year-old Willow is living in L.A. with Jada Pinkett-Smith. It is "a family torn apart." Jaden has tweeted stuff like "guys life is hard… I'm just so confused right now." And Willow's Instagram captions have been along the lines of "welcome to heartbreak," "life is a blur now," "I am on the brink" and "life is pain." Sob. Moving on. Cameron Diaz "looks like she had a large dose of Botox," according to a dermatologist who does not treat her. "It seems she had Sculptra or Radiesse in the midface to restore volume loss." (See Fig. 6) Next, Snooki is knocked up, according to unnamed sources. "She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family." This development will significantly change the spin-off show Snooki and J-Woww are starring in, so get ready for some sober fun, weird cravings, and baby fashion tips from Auntie Jenni. (Of course, Snooki says she is not pregnant, so whatever. In Johnny Depp news, he is "getting close" to his dark shadows costar Eva Green. "Johnny finds her exotic and fascinating company," says a source who is an idiot. She's French and so is his wife, how is that exotic? Also, she's gorgeous, and we all saw her smoking hot naked body in The Dreamers, so yeah. Lady Gaga wants to have an open relationship with superfox Taylor Kinney. She told him they can both sleep with other people as long as it's just sex… But he doesn't want an open relationship, so "he doesn't know how to react." Um, send him my way, Gags. I'll give him a talking-to. Cough. The Demi Moore story in this issue is detailed and epic, outlining the varied substances she's been putting in her body lately. Here is a sampling of phrases from the piece:
Designer drugs
Nitrous oxide
Whip-its
exhaustion
anorexia
rock bottom
depressed and insecure
starving herself
popping pills
abusing recreational drugs
cocktail of pills
nothing but skin and bones
trying to drown her sorrows by smoking drugs and taking Whip-Its
Also, this quote:
"Sometimes she'd be so spaced out, she'd have an Adderall and Red Bull as a pick-me-up… She would forget to eat… It became nothing for her to have less than 500 calories a day… Most of those calories came from Red Bull."
Some more interesting info, in case you didn't know: Demi's mom was an alcoholic who attempted suicide in the mid-'90s. Demi's biological father was a cocaine addict. Demi's step-father was an alcoholic who committed suicide in 1979. In August, Demi went to visit her sober coach, Pattsy Rugg, "who had been Demi's rock for 26 years." Pattsy died in November, Demi attended the funeral in December, and now, January: Off the rails. I literally had to go to the deli and get a Coca-Cola — full sugar, not diet — after reading about all these stimulants. Demi is a gateway drug! One last thing in this issue, re: Heidi and Seal. Apparently they had a fight in mid-January, and Seal "just lost it." He was screaming and "he pushed her." Says a source. It was the last straw, and the end of my favorite interracial couple. Now I'm living for Idina and Taye.
Grade: B+ (go-go juice)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Ok!
Fig. 3, from Ok!
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Star