This Week In Tabloids: Closer Is the Most Important Magazine on Newsstands Right Now
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where, after THINKING the new magazine shop would be just FINE, finally decide to GIVE UP ON THEM after they decide to NOT STOCK THE TABLOIDS until a VERY LATE HOUR, forcing us to travel SORT OF FAR via an UNRELIABLE TRAIN to the BEST MAGAZINE SHOP IN NEW YORK CITY, whose employees have NEVER LET ME DOWN.
Plus, they stock Closer, which I will be covering this week due to surprising demand!
Let’s get this party started.
OK!
ASHTON & MILA OVER ALREADY?
Wow, I’m so upset. Are you? Let’s get through this heartbreak together, shall we? OK, so insiders say Ashton and Mila have been “arguing nonstop,” which suggests the insider must be with them “nonstop.” Who’s with them nonstop, you ask? Wyatt, their 1-year-old daughter. So anyway, Wyatt has also accused her mommy of reading through her daddy’s emails, and says when daddy accused mommy of spying, mommy “freaked out.” And because they can’t trust each other anymore, their marriage is probably going to be over soon. In the meantime, she’s hiring a “granny nanny” to watch Wyatt because Christine Ouzounian ruined it for everyone else.
Speaking of marriages that are over, Drew Barrymore’s marriage to Will Kopelman is over. Sources say division of Barrymore’s $140 million fortune will be complicated, as they apparently didn’t have a prenup. Which. Will. Never. Ever. Make. Sense. To. Me.
And Also:
- On-set insiders at The Voice claim Legendtina Aguilera is a “nightmare,” which doesn’t surprise me.
- Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t wash her hands after going to the bathroom, which doesn’t surprise me either.
- Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg’s marriage is “falling apart,” which doesn’t interest me.
- Gisele and Tom Brady are “living a lie,” which used to interest me, but no longer does.
- Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are leaving New York and moving to Los Angeles, which probably doesn’t even interest them.
Grade: C- (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds move in next door and won’t even come to your parties.)
In Touch
LAMAR DESTROYED BY THE KARDASHIANS
The good news (and true news) is that Lamar is finally doing better. So let’s be happy about that. Now on to the fake news, which I will not be spending much time on: THE KARDASHIANS DESTROYED HIM. Yep, it’s all the Kardashians’s fault. A source says, “The family will gets what it wants, no matter the cost.”
But enough about that. Angelina Jolie left Brad Pitt! Yep, just up and left him. She took her bags and got outta dodge. She packed her knives and went. She sashayed off the runway. Since “verbal battles” between them had “become commonplace,” she decided she’d had enough of the fighting. A source says they’ll keep this hush-hush for a few months (they’ve got to promote By the Sea, after all), but that it’ll be made official by year’s end.
And Also:
- J Woww’s wedding was perfect, apparently.
- Kendra Wilkinson is filing for divorce from Hank Baskett.
- There’s a story about Leah Messer losing custody of her kids, meaning the Teen Moms are still famous.
- Nick Jonas is “begging” Kate Hudson to move in with him, which means I’m begging Kate to accept.
- Jessica Simpson is “dead set” on making a “musical comeback,” but her whole family is all, “Nahhhhh we think rehab’s a better choice.”
- Wear palazzos, you bozos!
- Wear burnt orange or I’ll start calling you Bevo.
- Get a faux bob or I’ll do the opposite of faux lob something at your head.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: C+ (You think you see Halle Berry on the street but it ends up being Henry Berry.)
Star
BLACK WIDOWS: HOW THE KARDASHIANS DESTROYED THEIR MEN
And I’ll be skipping these stories for several reasons.
Who do we think this is about?
And Also:
- Hayden Panettiere is going to rehab for her alcohol problem that may have been exacerbated by her postpartum depression.
- Cuba Gooding Jr. has been spending plenty of time “drowning his sorrows” at O’Brien’s Irish Pub in Santa Monica, in case any of you live in Santa Monica and want to go grab a selfie with Cuba Gooding Jr.
- A Ricky Gervais fan with bad eyesight approached David Beckham at SoulCycle in LA and called him RICKY. David was annoyed. Ricky was flattered. I’m confused.
- Nick Jonas may be having sex with everyone on the planet, so congrats everyone!
- Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell are engaged but PLEASE don’t tell anyone.
- Sandra Bullock was spotted buying Kama Sutra books at Barnes & Noble.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: F (Someone mistakes you for Ricky Gervais.)
Closer
JUDGE JUDY: INSIDE HER $250M EMPIRE
And so it is…just…like you said…it would be. Life goes easy on me…most…of the time. OK, I’m finished. Look at this magazine!! I mean, it’s the best tabloid based on the cover alone. The headline is positive as hell and the gossip is barely gossip and now it’s time to turn the page. Aw, the table of contents is sweet! A photo of young Debbie Reynolds. A photo of old Henry Winkler. A quote from Hillary Swank in which she says, “You only have one life and if you’re not doing what you love, what’s the point?” Thanks for the advice, Hil! Now it’s time to explore this wonderful publication a little more.
Ooooh, a fashion section, just like Closer’s more popular younger cousins! Cate Blanchett? Stunning in white. Diane Lane? Stunning in red. Katey Sagal? Stunning in violet. Kate Walsh? Stunning in black. And, oh my goodness. WHICH GENERATION WORE IT BETTER! This matchup is between Salma Hayek and Jordin Sparks, who are both in “colorful chiffon gowns.” Guess which generation one. C’mon—go ahead and guess! I’ll give you one shot.
Next up, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are happy, David Cassidy pleads “not guilty in hit-and-run,” Lisa Loeb is happy, Butch Patrick is happy, and 83% of readers think Christmas cheer begins too early. What a spread.
Ooooh, the Judy cover story! Wait. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. There are no insiders! There are no close sources! Almost all of this is based on things JUDY AND OTHER PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL NAMES TOLD CLOSER. Oh, how wonderful. Fabulous, even! I feel like I’m on a different planet filled with shuffleboard courts and mahjong tables. Judy is worth over $250 million! Judy only shops at Brooks Brothers when things are on sale! Judy describes herself as “an unremarkable” law student! Judy “spoils her grandkids rotten!” Ah, how pleasant that was.
Next up, a short piece on Dolly Parton being sick. She’s fine though, so don’t worry your pretty little hearts too much. Flip the page, and we’ve arrived at a spread on Rock Hudson, in which 91-year-old Doris Day tells Closer, “Rock was one of my best friends,” and never once mentions his sexuality.
Oh shit! Here’s Debbie Reynolds “dishing dirt on Hollywood!” Get ready for some real gossip, everyone. She says “married men made passes at her,” can you believe it?! She also said no one was worse than Buddy Hackett. Reynolds writes that he “put his hand up [her] skirt and down [her] blouse at the same time.” She also claims “Desi loved Lucy, but couldn’t resist ladies and liquor.” Oh snap!
And Also:
- Olivia Newton John loves Red Rock Canyon!
- Heidi Klum loves Halloween!
- Frankie Avalon loves cooking!
- Julia Roberts and Danny Moder love each other!
- Barbara Niven loves her back yard!
- Barbara Walters loves “figure-flattering coats!”
- Melody Thomas Scott loves her rescue pup Reilly!
Wrong Answers:
Grade: A (More essential for your coffee table than The New Yorker.)
Appendix:
Fig. 1 – Closer
Fig. 2 – In Touch
Fig. 3 – In Touch
Contact the author at [email protected].