This Week In Tabloids: Can You Imagine Mariah Carey Watching Someone Pee On You?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has reemerged from hiding in the wake my one-sided feud with Kris Jenner and her ~~Horcruxes~~ daughters. Will I be forced back into hiding after this week’s explosive allegations?

Her spies are everywhere, so I’m legally required to inform you of the risk to your Twitter mentions reading this column brings. Ready to dive in?

In Touch:

Let’s be bad girls and skip this cover entirely. Hold my hand while we do it! Girl power! Feminism!

Getting to the real news this week: Racism (and greed) wins again! Danielle Bregoli, 15 years old and famous for saying things that made uncool adults like me upset, is receiving $900,000 for a makeup endorsement! The real scandal here, in my honest and rude opinion, is having the same eyebrows as my high school enemy. The last time we spoke was during an altercation in a Walmart parking lot, an anecdote which reveals my trashy past and spiritual kinship to the young menace. Sad for both of us! Moving on, we’re still talking about Kylie Jenner and her Egg Enemy. Calling it now that inside the egg is Kris Jenner’s newest child employee, the first of its kind grown using meme technology and viral infamy! I’m also slightly bewildered over a story involving a 13-year-old Katy Perry “humping” a tree she named Tom Hanks. While she’s understandably lacking in press for anything other than recent haircuts, I’m mostly sad that this is her first recorded crush.

And in an issue that brought me the same dread as reading the New York Times Opinion pages, there was one bright spot: a list of celebrities that love The Bachelor!

Famous dog owner Kaley Cuoco
Former Barbie actress Amy Schumer
Lea “One L” Michele
Jennifer Lawrence
Heterosexuality spokespeople Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher
Anna Kendrick
Kate “2 Leggings for $24” Hudson

Isn’t it beautiful? Simply listing these names is ruder than anything I could possibly write! Thanks for saving me time, In Touch.

Let’s finish with a blind item sandwiched between a sad-looking picture of Ben Affleck and Ariana Grande’s venti-sized ponytail. Guess Who!

“This reality star has had so much plastic surgery lately that it’s become the elephant in the room. Her costars and much younger employees, who are usually very outspoken, whisper about her new face, but no one is brave enough to bring it up. Not yet anyway.”

I’m guessing this is Dorit Kemsley dishing on Lisa Vanderpump of the House Sur, First of Her Name, the Unbothered, Queen of Pump and Its Easily Manipulated Employees, Khaleesi of Small Dogs Everywhere, The Breaker of Ratings, and Mother of TomTom, let me say this: who cares if she’s a Botox Belladonna or Juvederm Junkie? Her job is delivering quality television to the living rooms of gay podcasters and Jezebel writers everywhere. She’s killing it! (Tune into Vanderpump Rules every Monday on Bravo.)

Ok!:

I heard a story that Diane Von Furstenberg, upon creating the wrap dress, whispered into Anna Wintour’s bob: “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” Despite this, who can say if she foresaw her cursed namesake becoming a vehicle for unflattering photos announcing rich people’s fake tabloid pregnancies? How far the former spokesobject of the Nordstrom Rack-TJ Maxx Outlet Alliance has fallen! I’d also like to briefly discuss an interview with Rami Malek on his role in Bohemian Rhapsody, a movie directed by alleged pedophile and child rapist Bryan Singer. Here’s a choice excerpt:

Ok!: The reaction to your performance and the film has been incredible!

Malek: I’ve been so fortunate! But I had a lot of help and people who really believed in me.

If only we all could be fortunate enough to work with a nefarious alleged predator who’s dodged accusations of rape throughout his prolific filmmaking career. At least he enriched studio executives and actors in the process! Here’s Rami Malek telling on himself some more:

“Playing this human being was the greatest gift. This whole experience has been so fulfilling, so rewarding, and so life-affirming. I almost don’t even want to do anything else because it feels like it’s all downhill from here.”

Once again, I feel like it’s important to mention that Bryan Singer directed the majority of Bohemian Rhapsody and was the recipient of its Golden Globe win for Best Picture! Therefore, the “life affirming” experience here was under the tutelage of an alleged rapist. Glad to see that #MeToo had a lasting impact on this year’s award season!

In more important news, we’re finally told where they’ve been hiding the kidnapped ‘90s heartthrobs! (Who’s “they,” you ask? It’s a Tinseltown Mystery I’ll take to my grave.) Look at all the things these white men accomplished while locked in a cave for 20 years!

Jonathan Taylor Thomas is an overachiever, reminding us he has degrees from Harvard AND Columbia. Home Improvement won’t stop terrorizing my life!
Freddie Prinze Jr., star of Scooby-Doo, wrote a cookbook. Selma Blair famously loves the linguine with clams and mushroom risotto!
Matthew Lawrence is still in hiding.
Andrew Keegan grew a mustache and started a cult.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt married a NASA robotics engineer.
James Van Der Beek took a photo for the Dawson’s Creek reunion.

There’s still so much to cover! Hilary “Watch Younger on TV Land” Duff was photographed somewhere in the valley while Hugh Jackman was paid for an appearance at a watch-industry convention. He really is the Greatest Showman! I was also reminded that chaos merchants Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jimmy Fallon reenacted Hamilton on The Tonight Show. Paging Ishmael Reed! Here’s the rest:

Goop reminds us she’s coparenting.
I cannot escape my blood enemies Chris Hillsong Pratt and someone apparently named Katherine Schwarzenegger.
Rob Kardashian is dating Blac Chyna’s enemy, a move clearly orchestrated by the Momager to get his name out there again.
Anne Hathaway’s son hates her singing voice.

Life & Style:

I’m taking a baby announcements sabbatical to dive into the stellar lineup on the cover of this week’s Life & Style. In gossip pulled right from my subconscious, Stefani Tied With Glenn Close Germanotta and Julia Roberts are feuding after a snub at the Critics’ Choice Awards. According to spies, the former ‘90s perm job ignored the Vegas crooner in favor of a hug with Jackson “Bradley Cooper” Maine. His girlfriend, supposedly named Irina Shayk, was nowhere to be found. We’re also told that Hibachi grill burn victim Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are struggling to make ends meet in the wake of their enormous debt and recent order to pay American Express $88,000. I never thought I’d be saying this, but let’s send a prayer out for Sharknado to come back. They need the made-for-television money now more than ever!

Mariah Carey’s blackmail saga is, quite obviously, the most important gossip of the week. The elusive chanteuse is suing her former assistant (Lianna Shakhnazarian) for blackmailing her with “private videos” that would be “personally and professionally damaging.” The assistant has filed a countersuit alleging the bodysuit fanatic allowed former manager Stella Bulochnikov to brutalize her, urinate on her, and repeatedly hurl racist epithets. Thank god for real news! After scouring the court filings and leaks, I have a few questions.

What exactly could videos containing “personally and professionally damaging” videos contain? The singer and her camp deny a sex tape. Weed? A stunning read of Mariah Carey’s #1 enemy Ariana Grande? Cocaine with Andy Cohen backstage at WWHL? (Kathy Griffin said it first!)
Wait, Stella URINATED on the assistant in front of Mariah and both kept their jobs!? Rich people—they’re just like us!
Stella, the urinator herself, filed a now-dismissed lawsuit in 2018 alleging the Glitter star is a drug addict who gets naked frequently. Same! Interestingly enough, it was dismissed (with prejudice) a mere week before the ex-assistant’s latest court filings. Considering Mariah and Stella are both implicated in the suit, could they possibly find themselves on the same side of the bench this time around.

God bless The Good Wife for my rudimentary understanding of our nation’s legal system!

In worse news, Gawker famous Kristen Cavallari and Kendall Proactiv Jenner wore the same dress. The venn diagram between them is rapidly approaching the shape of a circle! There’s also allegations that Paris Jackson has entered a treatment program after a cryptic Instagram message to her fans. Frankly, the most shocking allegation of all is the assertion that she’s the “Princess of Pop.” What did I miss?

James McAvoy wants to remind you every day should be Valentine’s Day
Rumors are swirling that The Biebers are planning a second wedding. The sponcon possibilities are endless!
Serial cheater Jax Taylor and Brittany “I’M ENGAGED!” Cartwright threw their prenup out.
JLo is the most in-shape she’s ever been from all the sex with Shark Tank guest A-Rod.
I was subjected to a spread on Dancing With The Stars romances that felt like an excuse to print Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd’s wedding photos again.

Us Weekly:

Thank god, we’re almost done. I’d like to begin the final lap with a reminder that I’m a card carrying member of the Leah Remini Stan Association. She’s changing the world and taking down an ALLEGEDLY corrupt pyramid scheme ALLEGEDLY harming the lives of people across the world. It’s the same organization John Travolta and Kelly Preston are on the cover of this week’s Us Weekly (ALLEGEDLY) shilling for! As a proud socialist, I’m shocked that there are people in the world who brag about regularly flying their private planes to locations easily accessible by mass public transit. Moving past my usual cries of “EAT THE RICH!,” what truly gave me whiplash was a quote sandwiched between the details of their weekly family dinner. Hold on tight!

A typical day at the Travolta home’s Jumbolair Aviation Estates – if you can call living in a private community for plane owners typical- starts with coffee. […] From There, John, a skilled pilot with five planes – the family’s $5 million property has its own runway! -flies everyone to Scientology headquarters 100 miles away in Clearwater, Florida.”

A few paragraphs later, the writer describes Scientology as “having its fair share of critics and skeptics.” Here’s where I genuinely saw red, as it’s not just simple criticisms currently plaguing the Church of Scientology—take, for instance, the multitude of allegations contained in Remini’s explosive A&E series Scientology and the Aftermath, including allegations that the church covered up the rape allegations against Danny Masterson. Us’s hedging is a weak deflection from the press storm around Scientology; there are certainly paragraphs detailing the Travolta’s mundane private life and careers. But going four pages into this profile without bringing up any of these issues is a disservice to readers. I’m coming to realize it’s the inherent problem in entertainment journalism. We need to bring the heat when questioning the lives and choices of people who largely affect the world they live in. We also need to de-prioritize proximity and access! These people rely on gossip bloggers to further their careers. Press the issue! Direct action and organizing works! Unionize against press agents everywhere!

Give me a moment to catch my breath. For your sake and mine, let’s round it out here:

Hugh Grant had his car broken into.
Sam Smith is wearing an eyepatch as the latest gay accessory trend after straight men discovered pierced ears and bleach jobs. Just kidding, I guess he has an eye infection?
The Property Brothers remind us they want to be magicians.
Robert Pattinson wore a big scarf.
Vanessa Hudgens posed in a suit.
Hilary Clinton apologist Lena Dunham wandered the streets of Los Angeles with no shoes on.
I’m living for the fact that Jillian Michaels and Andy Cohen are beefing over the Keto diet.