This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Boyfriend Beats Her

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I fall down the celebrity tabloid rabbit hole. This week we learned about Lindsay’s reality show, Taylor & Jake’s true romance, and Britney’s domestic violence and abortion news.

Life & Style
“I’m Having A Baby!”
The story here sets up the idea that Jessica Simpson is pregnant, noting that she wore a “flowy, figure-concealing” T-shirt, vomited backstage at The Early Show and complained of an “uncontrollable bladder” on Jimmy Fallon’s program. Plus, she “gave into her cravings” the night before Thanksgiving “by devouring everything from the starter bread to the chocolate soufflé dessert.” But wait! At this dinner, she also knocked back three or four drinks. So Jessica Simpson is not pregnant. Still, she said: “There are no babies yet. But I definitely see myself having a family with Eric, so that’s exciting to think about.” The cover line should have read “I’m Having A Baby Sometime In The Next 50 Years.” Moving right along: Snooki had a big birthday party last week, and although Ronnie, The Situation, Sammi, Vinny and Pauly D were all invited, none of them showed up. Only J-Woww represented. You can always count on J-Woww. She is so loyal. Jennifer Aniston wore bikinis while on vacation in Mexico, and the mag finds her ass impressive (see image 7). (Note how the cover claimed she “bares all,” leading us to think she was naked?) LOL headline of the day: “Prince William Is A Groomzilla.” While shooting pictures on the set of Angelina’s film in Budapest, Brad Pitt’s camera was stolen! He put his Leica S2 down to grab one of his other four cameras, and someone walked off with it! The camera was worth $25,000 — and Brad hadn’t had a chance to upload images to his computer. (Think he had any “private” snaps of Angie?) Last, but certainly not least, “Ke$ha’s 15 Secrets” include: “I eat men.” The fashion item she can’t live without? “Glitter diapers.” Also: “I can hold my breath underwater without using my hand, like an aquatic animal.” Trying too hard, or hardly trying? You be the judge. (see image 8).
Grade: F – (off with their heads)

Ok!
“Twilight Baby!”
Inside you’ll find six pages of Twilight-oriented photos — stills from the first two movies, magazine covers starring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, and an actual quote from KStew about filming the pregnancy stuff for Breaking Dawn: “Bella does change a lot. She becomes such a mother.” Please note that the cover brags that this “Collector’s Edition Yearbook” will be “on sale for one week only” — which is how long Ok! is usually on stands. Bonus! A police artist created a digital portrait of what the hypothetical daughter of Kristen and Rob/Bella and Edward would look like (see image 9). She’s cute! She looks like she has her own show on Disney. In a good way. Last, but not least: A sketch of what Princess Diana’s wedding dress designer would create for Kate Middleton IF asked — upon which Kate’s head has been Photoshopped (see image 10).
Grade: D- (mock turtle soup)

In Touch
“Tormented By Kim.”
Kim Kardashian went out with Halle Berry’s ex, Gabriel Aubry, a couple of times, and Halle is “worried” that Gabriel will talk about his relationship with her on camera. Halle is really private, and she doesn’t want her business — or her daughter — part of any Kardashian reality show. In Lindsay Lohan news, she is “reaching out” to Oprah, who is “Lindsay’s new mother figure and role model.” Makes sense, since her mom is White Oprah. Lindsay has been talking to people from OWN, Oprah’s network, about filming a reality show that would start shooting in January. Apparently Lindsay is upset with her mom for doing an interview with Matt Lauer — it seems Lindsay and the Betty Ford people asked Dina not to do any interviews, and she went on the Today show anyway. A friend says Lindsay is actually closer to her father Michael Lohan right now, if you can believe that. The tables have turned! “Stars Battle Cellulite At Every Age” is a four-page, photo-driven piece which features celebs suffering from “lumps and bumps.” Lady Gaga, Kate Hudson, Britney Spears and Katy Perry get their thighs examined. Sigh. Finally: LeAnn Rimes was spotted checking out pregnancy tests at Rite Aid while wearing a hat and sunglasses.
Grade: D (advice from a caterpillar)

Us
“Jake & Taylor In Love!”
Here, you’ll find the complete story of Jake and Taylor’s romance. Literally. Six pages of coffee-drinking and sidewalk strolling and laughing and oh my god we are so happy. We suspect that the reason they keep having coffee dates is because she’s not old enough to drink. Anyway, the story is so detailed you will want to stick a fork in your eye. They went to the Frothy Monkey coffee shop. They sat in a booth by the entrance. She had her arm around him. When they left they were holding hands. I know. Fascinating. You’re dying for more? Well there is so much more. There’s a “Romance Road Map” illustrating how they have traveled to be together. A source says, “She loves how nice and affectionate he is.” He hung out with her family, she hung out with his. There’s even a picture of Taylor walking with Maggie Gyllenhaal and her daughter Ramona. “Taylor is really into kids, and she loves Ramona,” says a source. And in case you think this relationship is not real, the mag reminds you that Jake loves blondes and Southern girls: He dated Kirsten Dunst and Reese Witherspoon before Taylor. Let’s move on. Martha Stewart’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” is just a little smug and better-than-thou. For instance: “When I travel, I like to bring my own fresh lemons, just in case they don’t have them on the plane.” Also: “When I first wake up, before the sun rises, I say hello to all the animals on my farm.” Finally: A-Rod and Cameron Diaz are back on; they were in Cabo recently, swimming and drinking margaritas.
Grade: C- (mad tea party)

Star
“Jason Beat Me Up.”
Sad: Britney’s ex-husband Jason Alexander claims that Britney called him the week of October 10 and told him that Jason Trawick had hit her so hard she had a black eye. The magazine includes a paparazzi shot of Britney taken October 19, and she does appear to have a bruised eye. In a separate incident later in the month, Britney accused Trawick of cheating on her with a young singer he was mentoring, and he hit Britney again. She broke up with Trawick and changed her phone number, and told Alexander that she was dumping Trawick for good. Alexander said, “I thought you were engaged,” and Britney replied, “Was that before or after he beat on me?” Britney also told Alexander that she’d been pregnant with Trawick’s child — but since Trawick had smacked her around while she was pregnant, she got an abortion. Alexander says Britney is afraid that if this news comes out, it will affect her conservatorship, which she’d like to get out of. Poor Brit Brit. In addition to everything else she probably doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to, and this guy she thought she could trust sold his story to Star. Sigh! Moving on: Emma Watson, Scout Willis and Tyra Banks’ boyfriends’ daughter are all suitemates at Brown. Blind item: “Which musically-inclined actor secretly enjoys watching gay porn? He’s straight — and has dated some of Hollywood’s biggest starlets — but there’s something about watching two guys together that turns him on. As for his long-term girlfriend, she knows about his impressive gay porn collection, and she doesn’t mind.” Could it be Justin Timberlake? Lastly, Kendra is moving back into the Playboy Mansion, and Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood has a terrifying new tattoo of her daughter, Leah. Terrifying. (see image 11)
Grade: C+ (swimming in tears)